Seven Years.

(Our last picture together. Ignore the wedding dress...I do!)

In loving memory of my sister Linda. There hasn't been a day in the past seven years that I haven't thought of you, and missed you like crazy.

I know Jordan misses her too. From the time he was a baby, she was his "Nina" (he couldn't say Linda when he was little, so he called her Nina, and then it sorta stuck as a description of who she was to him....as in "that's my Nina". And he was Gordo....(not really my favorite nickname for Jordan!) and I was "The Jewel".

I know I tell you guys all the time how much I miss her. I can tell you with total honesty that time doesn't heal anything, it just helps you accept your new normal without someone. I think of Linda every day, and I feel her with me all the time. There is a very big hole in our family where she should be, and our lives have never been the same without her. And I miss her like nobody's business.

So today, I hope she's in heaven with a box of her favorite red wine, a pack of Merit cigarettes, and some Carly Simon blaring on the radio, and knowing without a doubt how desperately we wish she were here.

You are loved, my dear. Today, tomorrow, and forever.

Love, Jewel and Gordo

Do NOT Try This At Home. I Repeat....DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

First and foremost...Jordan, if you are reading this, exit out of it now and go to class. This is NOT for your eyes. Trust me on this one.

Okay so yesterday was Valentine's Day, right? A day for lovers. And something crazy happened to two people very close to me..... "my friends" Angelina and Brad. (No, it's not Michael and me. I would never divulge something this personal about US in a public forum. It's Brad and Angie. Go with it.)

This was Brad and Angie's first Valentine's Day together and as such, Angie thought it would be fun to spice things up a bit during their sleepover.

So she got Brad the above referenced KY Yours & Mine as a gift. Now, according to the box, here's what's supposed to happen:

His excites. Hers delights. Together feel them ignite. What is it? It takes two lubricants to make chemistry, to make magic, to make love. An invigorating warming sensation for him. A thrilling tingling sensation for her. Put the two together for a totally new, unexpected experience. It's more exciting. More satisfying. More everything.

Sounds fantastic! They decided to give it a whirl!

Cut to their bedroom, and things are heating up if you get my drift. So there they were, all primed and ready to rock, so Angie puts Brad's stuff on him, which is supposed to generate the "warming" effect, and he applies hers, which is the anticipated "tingling" effect and off they go.

Fairly quickly Angie remembers thinking "OK, I don't really feel tingling. It's more cold than anything else." But she carries on, and waits for the tingling to start, assuming Brad is feeling the "warmth" that his was supposed to deliver. Meanwhile, she's getting colder and colder down there, like somebody is rubbing an ice cube all over her.

After about 5 minutes, Brad stops and says "Baby, I don't feel anything" and Angie was like "I know! I don't feel tingling or anything either" and he says "No, I mean I don't feel *anything*. I'm numb". LOLOLOLOL

Angelina started laughing and said "OMG, so am I! I thought it was just me! It's so cold down there, yet it's like a burning cold if that makes sense!!", to which Brad responds "Tell me about it, I feel like I'm fucking Peppermint Patty" and they officially lost it. At this point they were laughing so hard they were crying, and lamenting how their "special first Valentine's night" hadn't quite turned out the way they planned.

So after about 15 minutes, Brad says "OK let's see if it's worn off an we can make something happen now" and attempts to head south, thinking he will rev Angie up with a little foreplay, at which time she starts screaming "No, don't do that! You'll end up with your entire mouth numb like you've just had a root canal!" The visual in both of their heads of him coming up for air with a face full of Novacaine sends them into convulsions of laughter and promptly puts an end to Geezer's Gone Wild Night.

Eventually they give up on the idea of their sexy Valentine's romp, and decide that at this age, it's best to stick with the tried and true stuff and leave the experimenting to the younger crowd.

Consider this a public service announcement. You're welcome.

You give me a raging heart on.

Happy Valentine's Day, baby! You color my world with love....

(OMG, seriously....I've become "that girl", who is cheesy and sickening on Valentine's Day? Egads. For those of you hurling on my blog right now, I feel you. I'd do the same if it wasn't me who's all smushy and lovey dovey and crazy mad for this man!)

Ain't love grand?

More fun for your typographical pleasure

Happy Friday!

I am sooooooooooo trying this tonight.

You have NO sense of humor if this doesn't make you laugh out loud today!


Recently I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went down...

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.  I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:


When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said...


What's for dinner, Zorro?"

This happens to me all the time....

For those of you with iPhones, you know how easily the auto correct spelling feature can get you in trouble! Here's a few great examples of what can happen...

Have you had any funny missteps with your auto correct features?

Personalized Tote Bags – Simply Bags

Thanks to my friends at Simply Bags, I am now a stylin' bag lady!

Check out my new sexy black tote!

How cool is that? It's got my monogram and everything!

This bag is great, it's huge and has plenty of room for whatever you need to carry. I plan on taking it on the cruise with me next month!

Seriously, it will make a great carry on for the plane ride because it is so roomy, and I can stash all kinds of things in it. It's made out of a heavy canvas'ish material, has a zippered top, and a couple of pockets inside. I love it!

Bob and his wife have a fabulous selection of personalized bags on their website and are very reasonably priced. They should be charging way more for the quality of these bags!!!

Be sure to check out SIMPLY BAGS and tell them your favorite bag lady (me!) sent you.

Hot Damn I'm Happy

Like seriously, dude. I'm happy as hell.

Not only in my romantic life (which is fanfuckingtastic), but just overall. I'd do one of those little Lucky Charms side heel clicks if I were only coordinated enough and wouldn't break something in the process!

Yesterday I closed a house, and was reminded again how much I really do enjoy selling real estate. And that commission check certainly added to my joy as I deposited it into my bank account today. I really need to work on marketing myself this year, and getting a few more transactions under my belt. It's a great source of additional income, and something I enjoy doing. Hello Captain Obvious....so go DO IT.

Our cruise is 54 days away, and I am getting SO FRICKIN EXCITED! We're looking into excursions at the various ports now. The itinerary changed a bit, instead of being on at sea on my actual birthday, we'll be in Costa Maya, Mexico. So we'll find some fun little thing to do there. The next stop in Belize, I found a great zipline/rappelling tour thing that we've gotta do!

(Forget the fact that I'm scared of heights, and the zipline soars over the treetops of the rainforest!)

I don't have any overwhelming desire to "swim" with dolphins, and I don't know how to scuba or snorkel, but there are a kajillion other options at the various ports, so I know we'll have a blast.

AND...we booked our airfare Sunday and I really am happy about that....I've been watching flights daily for the past month and could never find anything under $450 per person for us. Sunday, I decided to check as we were watching TV, and with a little compromise on time, we booked them for $250 each. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The nice thing is that we get off the ship at 8am on Sunday the 27th, and then will have all day in New Orleans (Hello Bourbon Street!) to enjoy the sites and then fly out Monday morning.

Let's see....what else....

Oh yeah, my beloved boyfriend TEXTED ME today.

Now, you may not find that newsworthy, until you understand that he has refused to text for the entire six months we've been together. He doesn't like it, he doesn't want to communicate that way, and he's flat out said...NO, I won't do it. (You have to realize, he would really prefer to not even carry a cell phone, and the one he has is like the Pinto of cell phones...old and beat up and not technologically advanced at all!) I text him on occasion because he'll read them, he just won't respond.

So today I'm driving along in my car and my text goes off, and when I picked up my phone and saw his name and the message, for a minute it didn't dawn on me *what* it was....then all of a sudden I was like "OMG, I just got a text from Michael!" And then I almost wrecked my car. LOL

The best part was that it was a cute little text reminding me of something that happened this past weekend, so not only was it sweet that he was thinking about me, and sweeter that he was making me laugh with what he said, but sweetest of all was that it came via TEXT.

My God, there is hope after all. Hahahahahahahahahaha. (If you're reading this blog post, I love you, honey! Thank you for the text and I promise if you send me more, I won't turn every one of them into blog fodder!)

I love my life. And I *love* being happy.

Admitting you're an asshole is the first step.

Just got a comment on my other blog post from some complete fucktard quirky little fella at a blog about boycotting American women:

"I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!"

Dear Boycotter:

Thanks for the comment. And allow me to say, with all due respect....fuck off, pencil dick. Chances are there isn't an American woman out there who has any desire to deal with an idiot like you.

Love, Julie.

Gotta love the crazy commenters.

Attention Cruisers!

Our cruise is 66 days away.

I am not prepared! I'm excited, but not prepared! I don't really know what to expect, and I worry about getting seasick!

So we're going to be on the Norwegian Cruise ship "Spirit". Have any of you been on it? Talk to me about cruises you've taken. Give me tips, hints, shortcuts, things I should know. I have to book us flights to New Orleans, what time should we return....if the cruise docks at 8am how quickly we will be off it and able to get to the airport?

Talk to me, peeps.

Weekly Weigh In

OK I've been back on Weight Watchers for a week, and today was my first weigh in.

I'm proud to report that....

I lost 3.1 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay me!!!!!!!!!!!! I can live with that!

Hello 2011. I've been waiting for you!

2011 is going to be an AMAZING year for me.

I can just feel it.

Don't you love it when you already know something will be fantastic, and it turns out even better than you dreamed?

That's what this year will be for me.

Just wait and see.

In other news, the Cruise Diet has officially started! We have 74 days until we take off to the Caribbean for my 50thForty Tenth birthday, and we have both gained weight in the five months we've been together!

What happened to working all that weight off with sexercise????????? LOL I should be 120 lbs by now!

He's put on 10, I've put on 5, and neither of us are happy about it. So he's doing portion control and I'm officially back on Weight Watchers, and we'll see if we can hit our goals by the time we leave March 20th. I think his is 15 lbs, mine is 20.

So, back to 2011....

Yeah, it's gonna rock. Don't ask me why, or how, or what's going to happen. I know, but I'm not telling. I'm creating my own fantastic life as we speak.

What's the New Year got in store for you? Tell me here and now, and then at the end of the year I'll post everyone's comments and we'll see who really created the life of their dreams!!!!!

Ready....go!