Friday, February 18, 2011

Seven Years.


(Our last picture together. Ignore the wedding dress...I do!)

In loving memory of my sister Linda. There hasn't been a day in the past seven years that I haven't thought of you, and missed you like crazy.


I know Jordan misses her too. From the time he was a baby, she was his "Nina" (he couldn't say Linda when he was little, so he called her Nina, and then it sorta stuck as a description of who she was to him....as in "that's my Nina". And he was Gordo....(not really my favorite nickname for Jordan!) and I was "The Jewel".


I know I tell you guys all the time how much I miss her. I can tell you with total honesty that time doesn't heal anything, it just helps you accept your new normal without someone. I think of Linda every day, and I feel her with me all the time. There is a very big hole in our family where she should be, and our lives have never been the same without her. And I miss her like nobody's business.


So today, I hope she's in heaven with a box of her favorite red wine, a pack of Merit cigarettes, and some Carly Simon blaring on the radio, and knowing without a doubt how desperately we wish she were here.


You are loved, my dear. Today, tomorrow, and forever.

Love, Jewel and Gordo

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Do NOT Try This At Home. I Repeat....DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME


First and foremost...Jordan, if you are reading this, exit out of it now and go to class. This is NOT for your eyes. Trust me on this one.

Okay so yesterday was Valentine's Day, right? A day for lovers. And something crazy happened to two people very close to me..... "my friends" Angelina and Brad. (No, it's not Michael and me. I would never divulge something this personal about US in a public forum. It's Brad and Angie. Go with it.)

This was Brad and Angie's first Valentine's Day together and as such, Angie thought it would be fun to spice things up a bit during their sleepover.

So she got Brad the above referenced KY Yours & Mine as a gift. Now, according to the box, here's what's supposed to happen:

His excites. Hers delights. Together feel them ignite. What is it? It takes two lubricants to make chemistry, to make magic, to make love. An invigorating warming sensation for him. A thrilling tingling sensation for her. Put the two together for a totally new, unexpected experience. It's more exciting. More satisfying. More everything.

Sounds fantastic! They decided to give it a whirl!

Cut to their bedroom, and things are heating up if you get my drift. So there they were, all primed and ready to rock, so Angie puts Brad's stuff on him, which is supposed to generate the "warming" effect, and he applies hers, which is the anticipated "tingling" effect and off they go.

Fairly quickly Angie remembers thinking "OK, I don't really feel tingling. It's more cold than anything else." But she carries on, and waits for the tingling to start, assuming Brad is feeling the "warmth" that his was supposed to deliver. Meanwhile, she's getting colder and colder down there, like somebody is rubbing an ice cube all over her.

After about 5 minutes, Brad stops and says "Baby, I don't feel anything" and Angie was like "I know! I don't feel tingling or anything either" and he says "No, I mean I don't feel *anything*. I'm numb". LOLOLOLOL

Angelina started laughing and said "OMG, so am I! I thought it was just me! It's so cold down there, yet it's like a burning cold if that makes sense!!", to which Brad responds "Tell me about it, I feel like I'm fucking Peppermint Patty" and they officially lost it. At this point they were laughing so hard they were crying, and lamenting how their "special first Valentine's night" hadn't quite turned out the way they planned.

So after about 15 minutes, Brad says "OK let's see if it's worn off an we can make something happen now" and attempts to head south, thinking he will rev Angie up with a little foreplay, at which time she starts screaming "No, don't do that! You'll end up with your entire mouth numb like you've just had a root canal!" The visual in both of their heads of him coming up for air with a face full of Novacaine sends them into convulsions of laughter and promptly puts an end to Geezer's Gone Wild Night.

Eventually they give up on the idea of their sexy Valentine's romp, and decide that at this age, it's best to stick with the tried and true stuff and leave the experimenting to the younger crowd.

Consider this a public service announcement. You're welcome.


Monday, February 14, 2011

You give me a raging heart on.


Happy Valentine's Day, baby! You color my world with love....

(OMG, seriously....I've become "that girl", who is cheesy and sickening on Valentine's Day? Egads. For those of you hurling on my blog right now, I feel you. I'd do the same if it wasn't me who's all smushy and lovey dovey and crazy mad for this man!)

Ain't love grand?

Friday, February 11, 2011

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I am sooooooooooo trying this tonight.



You have NO sense of humor if this doesn't make you laugh out loud today!


Recently I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went down...

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.  I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:


When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said...


What's for dinner, Zorro?"





Wednesday, February 2, 2011

This happens to me all the time....

For those of you with iPhones, you know how easily the auto correct spelling feature can get you in trouble! Here's a few great examples of what can happen...

















Have you had any funny missteps with your auto correct features?


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Personalized Tote Bags – Simply Bags

Thanks to my friends at Simply Bags, I am now a stylin' bag lady!

Check out my new sexy black tote!


How cool is that? It's got my monogram and everything!

This bag is great, it's huge and has plenty of room for whatever you need to carry. I plan on taking it on the cruise with me next month!

Seriously, it will make a great carry on for the plane ride because it is so roomy, and I can stash all kinds of things in it. It's made out of a heavy canvas'ish material, has a zippered top, and a couple of pockets inside. I love it!

Bob and his wife have a fabulous selection of personalized bags on their website and are very reasonably priced. They should be charging way more for the quality of these bags!!!

Be sure to check out SIMPLY BAGS and tell them your favorite bag lady (me!) sent you.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Hot Damn I'm Happy


Like seriously, dude. I'm happy as hell.

Not only in my romantic life (which is fanfuckingtastic), but just overall. I'd do one of those little Lucky Charms side heel clicks if I were only coordinated enough and wouldn't break something in the process!

Yesterday I closed a house, and was reminded again how much I really do enjoy selling real estate. And that commission check certainly added to my joy as I deposited it into my bank account today. I really need to work on marketing myself this year, and getting a few more transactions under my belt. It's a great source of additional income, and something I enjoy doing. Hello Captain Obvious....so go DO IT.

Our cruise is 54 days away, and I am getting SO FRICKIN EXCITED! We're looking into excursions at the various ports now. The itinerary changed a bit, instead of being on at sea on my actual birthday, we'll be in Costa Maya, Mexico. So we'll find some fun little thing to do there. The next stop in Belize, I found a great zipline/rappelling tour thing that we've gotta do!

(Forget the fact that I'm scared of heights, and the zipline soars over the treetops of the rainforest!)

I don't have any overwhelming desire to "swim" with dolphins, and I don't know how to scuba or snorkel, but there are a kajillion other options at the various ports, so I know we'll have a blast.

AND...we booked our airfare Sunday and I really am happy about that....I've been watching flights daily for the past month and could never find anything under $450 per person for us. Sunday, I decided to check as we were watching TV, and with a little compromise on time, we booked them for $250 each. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The nice thing is that we get off the ship at 8am on Sunday the 27th, and then will have all day in New Orleans (Hello Bourbon Street!) to enjoy the sites and then fly out Monday morning.

Let's see....what else....


Oh yeah, my beloved boyfriend TEXTED ME today.

Now, you may not find that newsworthy, until you understand that he has refused to text for the entire six months we've been together. He doesn't like it, he doesn't want to communicate that way, and he's flat out said...NO, I won't do it. (You have to realize, he would really prefer to not even carry a cell phone, and the one he has is like the Pinto of cell phones...old and beat up and not technologically advanced at all!) I text him on occasion because he'll read them, he just won't respond.

So today I'm driving along in my car and my text goes off, and when I picked up my phone and saw his name and the message, for a minute it didn't dawn on me *what* it was....then all of a sudden I was like "OMG, I just got a text from Michael!" And then I almost wrecked my car. LOL

The best part was that it was a cute little text reminding me of something that happened this past weekend, so not only was it sweet that he was thinking about me, and sweeter that he was making me laugh with what he said, but sweetest of all was that it came via TEXT.

My God, there is hope after all. Hahahahahahahahahaha. (If you're reading this blog post, I love you, honey! Thank you for the text and I promise if you send me more, I won't turn every one of them into blog fodder!)

I love my life. And I *love* being happy.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Admitting you're an asshole is the first step.


Just got a comment on my other blog post from some complete fucktard quirky little fella at a blog about boycotting American women:

"I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!"

Dear Boycotter:

Thanks for the comment. And allow me to say, with all due respect....fuck off, pencil dick. Chances are there isn't an American woman out there who has any desire to deal with an idiot like you.

Love, Julie.

Gotta love the crazy commenters.


Thursday, January 13, 2011

Attention Cruisers!

Our cruise is 66 days away.


I am not prepared! I'm excited, but not prepared! I don't really know what to expect, and I worry about getting seasick!

So we're going to be on the Norwegian Cruise ship "Spirit". Have any of you been on it? Talk to me about cruises you've taken. Give me tips, hints, shortcuts, things I should know. I have to book us flights to New Orleans, what time should we return....if the cruise docks at 8am how quickly we will be off it and able to get to the airport?

Talk to me, peeps.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Weekly Weigh In


OK I've been back on Weight Watchers for a week, and today was my first weigh in.

I'm proud to report that....

I lost 3.1 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay me!!!!!!!!!!!! I can live with that!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Hello 2011. I've been waiting for you!


2011 is going to be an AMAZING year for me.

I can just feel it.

Don't you love it when you already know something will be fantastic, and it turns out even better than you dreamed?

That's what this year will be for me.

Just wait and see.

In other news, the Cruise Diet has officially started! We have 74 days until we take off to the Caribbean for my 50thForty Tenth birthday, and we have both gained weight in the five months we've been together!

What happened to working all that weight off with sexercise????????? LOL I should be 120 lbs by now!

He's put on 10, I've put on 5, and neither of us are happy about it. So he's doing portion control and I'm officially back on Weight Watchers, and we'll see if we can hit our goals by the time we leave March 20th. I think his is 15 lbs, mine is 20.

So, back to 2011....

Yeah, it's gonna rock. Don't ask me why, or how, or what's going to happen. I know, but I'm not telling. I'm creating my own fantastic life as we speak.

What's the New Year got in store for you? Tell me here and now, and then at the end of the year I'll post everyone's comments and we'll see who really created the life of their dreams!!!!!

Ready....go!

Friday, December 31, 2010

Julie takes a look back at 2010




~ What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?  Finally changed my way of thinking.  Started believing in myself, and creating the life that I had always wanted to have but somehow never did.

~ Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I resolve to stop making resolutions. I suck at them. They last about 20 minutes into the New Year. This year, I figure if my resolution is to make no more resolutions, I'm good to go.

~ Did anyone close to you give birth? Like, physically close to me? No, I have not actually witnessed childbirth this year. My immediate family has not expanded, but I have nieces and nephews getting to that age where the thought is undoubtedly crossing their minds!

~ Did anyone close to you die?  Amazingly enough, no.  My Mom is still with us, and we never dreamed she would be,  They sent her home from the hospital in June with "two days to two weeks" to live.  It's been six months now and yet it's truly still just a day to day thing at this point.  She's more than ready to go.  I just wish God would listen to her prayers.

~ What countries did you spend time in this year? Um, I'm pretty sure I've been landlocked this year. My passport has nothing on it.  (That will change in March though!) Went to Vegas in May, and that was pretty much my only vacation this year.  Work kicked my ass and kept me too busy to take time off.

~ What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? A booming real estate business so that I can pay off bills, for helping Jordan with college, and adding stamps to my passport.  Continued growth with my "change your thoughts, change your life" as some days I still revert back to negative thinking out of habit.  And my love relationship getting better and better every single day.

~ What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?  Well, I re-met the love of my life in August, and in September my son went off to college.  Those were two pretty big events in my life this year.  Both life changing but in good ways.

~ What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Letting go of my past finally, and making room for true love to come into my life.  I wish it hadn't taken me so long, but everything happens when it's supposed to, and clearly this was the right time.  I walked away from that situation in May, and spent the summer learning to be happy with just me.  And then I started dating Michael August 7th.  And the rest is history!

~ What was your biggest failure?  I don't believe in failure.  Some things may not have worked out the way I planned or hoped, but some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

~ Did you suffer any serious injury or illness?   Nope.  Feeling good!

~ What was the best thing you bought?  An early plane ticket home from Vegas...it was the end of an error.  It was by far the best $400 I have ever spent in my life.

~ Whose behavior merited celebration?  My son, of course.  He's doing great at UC, maintaining his mega weight loss from last year, and just makes me proud every single day to be his Mom.

~ Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed? Who am I to judge?  My ex was always the source of appalling behavior for the past ten years, and earlier this year was no exception.  But in retrospect, I  am grateful that he is who he is, because he did me a favor by acting in ways that were so unacceptable to me that I had no choice but to move on.  And in doing so I fell madly in love with "the one that got away" 13 years ago.  So, for that I thank him.  And I wish him well.  Bwahahahahhahaha.

~ Where did most of your money go? Credit card bills. And Starbucks. I have an addition to iced caramel macchiatos, skinny, upside down. A big chunk went to getting my kid out the door and off to school, and now I pay child support to him.  LOL  It was cheaper to keep him at home!

~ What did you get really, really, really excited about?  I was very excited for Jordan to go off to school, only because I knew how excited he was about it.  I was afraid the empty nest might kill me, but turns out that it wasn't empty after all with my new man here all the time!

~ What do you wish you'd done more of?  Live in the moment.  I'm a worrier, always have been, but it was even worse this past ten years with my ex because I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and my life to explode around me again at his diabolical hands .  Once he was out of the picture, it took me a long time to just...relax.  Especially being in a new relationship.  Rather than constantly looking for land mines, I wish I'd just been able to trust right off the bat that he wasn't going to do the things my ex did.  It took me several months before I could exhale.  And now I trust again, I believe in love again, and I will get married again.  Six months ago I don't think I could have said anything of those things honestly.

~ What do you wish you'd done less of?  Working.  I mean, I need the paycheck, but I discovered this year that a lot of my "on call" status at work was simply due to me not having a life!  I made work my 24 hour a day job, and this fall when Jordan left for school and Michael and I were cementing our relationship, I lost all motivation to make my job anything but a 9-5 deal.  No more staying late, no more responding to emails on nights and weekends.  I've even stopped some of my textual relationships.  LOL  I have better things to do with my time now!

~ Did you fall in love in 2010?  Oh.  Yes.  I.  Did.  Madly, truly, deeply!  And I am thankful every day for it.  He's an amazing man, he makes me laugh and treats me like a queen.  He's everything I ever imagined my partner to be (which is why he was always my "one that got away" for the last 13 years) and I'm so grateful to have a second chance at happily ever after.  Long Live Turtle Power.  (It's a private joke.)

~ How many one-night stands? Duh, just one.  It's on the right side of my bed.  Oh wait, not that kind of night stand?  Then the answer is a proud "NONE".

~ Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?  I don't hate. That level of internal poison causes wrinkles that I can't afford to have! There are a couple of people that I am not overly fond of but karma will take care of them. Meanwhile, for me, living well is the best revenge!.

~ What was the best book you read? 'Infinite Possibilities:  The Art of Living Your Dreams' by Mike Dooley.  It's all about changing your thoughts and creating a new life for yourself.  I am living proof that it works.

~ What did you want and not get? Botox. And Restylane. Hey, I'm being honest. My face has fallen further than Obama in the polls.

~ What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Well I was 49 on my birthday in March, and I have no idea what I did!  But I can tell you where I'll be on March 22, 2011.  I'll be turning 50 on a cruise ship in the Caribbean!  Woohoooooooooooooooooo!

~ What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If I'd lost the rest of the weight I started losing in 2009.  I fell off the wagon, and haven't been able to get back on.

~ What political issue stirred you the most? Don't get me started. We are all entitled to our opinions, but I don't force mine down your throat and I'd really appreciate you not forcing yours down mine. Thank God for the delete button in emails.  For the record, I am a registered Democrat. I voted for Obama.  If you have a problem with him, discuss it with the rest of your Republican friends, and keep your conspiracy theories to yourself.  I didn't forward a bunch of shit about George Bush to everyone back in the day, so give me the same courtesy please.  Thanks.  In a related note, if God forbid Sarah Palin gets elected President, I will be relocating to another country.  But no worries, I won't email you about it.  You'll be getting enough from your friends wondering what kind of mess you've gotten yourselves into and how to get out of it!

~ Who did you miss?  I miss my sister all the time. So many things I want to share with her. I want her to see Jordan and be as proud as I am. Life is just not the same without her.  I also miss seeing my son every day!  We talk on Face Time (it's a Skype like thing on our iPhones) a couple of times a week when he's away at school, but when you've seen somebody every day for 19 years, going a few weeks without seeing them is tough.  Especially on a mom who's life has revolved around her kid for so long.  But I survived it, and even learned not to text him every night to make sure he was safely in his dorm room so that I could go to bed and actually sleep.  LOL

~ Who was the best new person you met?  OK he's not a "new" person, but after 13 years apart, and each of us being in long term...."unsuccessful" relationships (that's a nice way to put it!),  Michael and I are not the same people we were back when we dated before.  So meeting up again was in a way like meeting a new person, who just happened to be very familiar.  It was great not having to go through the awkward "getting to know you" phase of dating, though!

~ Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010. Anger and bitterness ages you faster than anything. This year I have really let go of my past, forgiven those who wronged me, and started looking forward with excitement and anticipation.  My life has done a 180 this year, and while there have been a lot of changes in it, I can honestly say I have never been as happy as I am right now.

~ What sums up this year? (a word, a quote...?)  Joy.  Bliss.  Happiness.  At Last.

Happy New Year, readers! My wish for you all is that 2011 brings you the life you've dreamed of, and that you have a healthy and prosperous New Year!!! Thank you for the light you shine into my life and I hope that I bring something to yours as well.