Tuesday, December 27, 2011

How can this kid be 21 already?

I swear, it was just a couple of years ago he looked like this.


Time flies when you're having spawn.

To my son on his 21st birthday....know that you are loved beyond words, that your Mom is more proud of you than anything she has ever done in her life, and that my wish for you is to one day be 85 years old, surrounded by your wife and your children and your grandchildren (and maybe even some great grandkids), and know that this year, 2011, when you were 21....was the start of the most amazing years of your life.

I love you with all my heart. Happy birthday, bug.

Love, Mums.

Friday, December 23, 2011

It's that time again...the Office Xmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And, don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ....You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?


Forget about the gifts exchange, no gift exchange is allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money, and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party (the days are so short this time of year), or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men; each gender will have their own table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food thus we suggest for those people with blood pressure problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics since the restaurant is unable to supply "no sugar" desserts.


Did I miss anything?


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up ike Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? Please?????????

Also, the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail, sent to your home.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #*&^@*^Holiday Party

I have no#&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@ do I care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your @ #$^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now !HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die, you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!


Thursday, December 15, 2011

A Christmas Wish...Granted

I found this letter I wrote to Santa in 2008, and I am proud to say that he finally granted my wish last year. Santa Rocks!!!!

So write your letters, folks....eventually you'll get what you wish for!


Dear Santa,

I know I haven't written for awhile, but I thought this was a good year for us to reconnect. We've had a bit of a tumultuous past, you and I, but as I've grown up and matured, I have come to realize that I shouldn't expect to find happiness with a guy who travels with reindeer and plays with elves.

So, I want to take this opportunity to tell you that I forgive you for that whole Barbie Dream House debacle of 1969. Even though I was very specific about what I was looking for....the beautiful pink 4' tall model, 12 rooms, a master bath jacuzzi big enough for Ken and Barbie, three car garage for the Barbie Dream Car, Ken's Jeep, and a guest spot...I know it was too big to fit under the tree but if you recall I asked that you please put it on the left side of the tree so that as I ran into the room on Christmas morning, it's the last thing I saw.

Santa, you sat right there in the mall, looked me in the eyes and said "Julie, your Christmas will be dreamy...ho ho ho". Dreamy = Dream House in my 8 year old eyes.

Imagine my surprise when, in lieu of a beautiful Barbie Dream House on Christmas morning, I woke to find some horrible Barbie head with hair that you pulled out of her skull so it "grew"! Oh, and then you applied neon blue eye shadow to her eyes and this sticky gross "lipstick" in a God awful shade of pink to her clearly collagened lips. Seriously? This was your idea of my Barbie dream????? For years I refused to wear my hair in a ponytail for fear somebody was going to pull on it and I'd end up with yellow plastic hair down to my ass.

I digress. The reason for this letter is that I'd like us to make amends with each other. Let's call a truce, shall we? Obviously I haven't asked for a lot this past 40 years. But this year, there is something I really, really want, and I think you and I can work together to make it happen.

What I'm looking for this year is a great guy. Let's face it, after my ex, my bar is set pretty low. He is NOT a hard act to follow. I have a list of the specific qualities I'm looking for in a romantic partner which I will forward to you later, however to summarize I'm just really asking for the important things...passion, honesty, integrity, a sense of humor, financial stability, romance, etc. He can be a good solid 5 in the looks department, because frankly I consider myself about a 6 on most days, and you know that women always want to be the pretty one in a relationship.

Please note...I have a 4' tree. Please, please, please...do not attempt to put him under it. I'm not looking to date a midget.

If you can find it in your heart to grant my Christmas wish this year, I promise I will forget all about the Barbie Dream House.


P.S. If you could make him well endowed, that would really sweeten the deal. Thanks!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

How can Christmas be 18 days away?

Seriously? It's less than 3 weeks til Christmas?


Monday, December 5, 2011

Nothing like a surprise wedding to shock the masses!

Just wanted to take a moment to congratulate my dear sister separated at birth friend Linda Lou on her surprise wedding last week, to the handsome and always entertaining Mike!

Congratulations on pulling off the surprise of the year! Michael and I wish you a lifetime of love, health and happiness together.

Love you guys!!!!!

Now, throw the fucking bouquet my way, will ya?

Friday, December 2, 2011

To All Who Survived.....

This was emailed to me recently, and I loved it.  I remember these days with a smile on my face, and more than a few scars from bicycle accidents, etc.  These were the good old days, and I wish my son had grown up this way...

To All Who Survived the 1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!

First, we survived
Being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank
While they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, 
tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep
On our tummies in baby cribs
Covered with bright colored
Lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, 
locks on doors or cabinets,
And, when we rode our bikes,
We had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads.

As infants and children, 
We would ride in cars with no car seats, 
no booster seats, no seat belts,
No air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes..

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day 
was always a special treat.

We drank water
From the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, 
from one bottle, 
and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes,
White bread, real butter, and bacon. 
We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar.
And we weren't overweight.

Because we were
Always outside playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, 
as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
-- And, we were OKAY.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps
And then ride them down the hill,
Only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, 
we learned to solve the problem..

We did not have Play Stations, Nintendos and X-boxes. 
There were no video games,
No 150 channels on cable,
No video movies
Or DVDs,
No surround-sound or CDs,
No cell phones,
No personal computers,
No Internet and no chat rooms.

And we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth,
And there were no lawsuits from those accidents.

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, 
Switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand,
And no one would call child services to report abuse.

We ate worms, and mud pies made from dirt,
And the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, 
22 rifles for our 12th, 
rode horses,made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and
- although we were told it would happen - 
we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes
Or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell
Or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts
And not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to 
Deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out
If we broke the law was unheard of. 
They actually sided with the law!

These generations have
Produced some of the best risk-takers,
Problem solvers, and inventors ever.

The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion
 of innovation and new ideas..

We had freedom,
Failure, success and responsibility,
 and we learned how to deal with it all.

If YOU are one of those born
Between 1925-1970

You might want to share this with others
Who have had the luck to grow up as kids 
Before the lawyers and the government 
Regulated so much of our lives 
For our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids, 
So they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house 
with scissors, doesn't it ?