Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Do NOT Try This At Home. I Repeat....DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

First and foremost...Jordan, if you are reading this, exit out of it now and go to class. This is NOT for your eyes. Trust me on this one.

Okay so yesterday was Valentine's Day, right? A day for lovers. And something crazy happened to two people very close to me..... "my friends" Angelina and Brad. (No, it's not Michael and me. I would never divulge something this personal about US in a public forum. It's Brad and Angie. Go with it.)

This was Brad and Angie's first Valentine's Day together and as such, Angie thought it would be fun to spice things up a bit during their sleepover.

So she got Brad the above referenced KY Yours & Mine as a gift. Now, according to the box, here's what's supposed to happen:

His excites. Hers delights. Together feel them ignite. What is it? It takes two lubricants to make chemistry, to make magic, to make love. An invigorating warming sensation for him. A thrilling tingling sensation for her. Put the two together for a totally new, unexpected experience. It's more exciting. More satisfying. More everything.

Sounds fantastic! They decided to give it a whirl!

Cut to their bedroom, and things are heating up if you get my drift. So there they were, all primed and ready to rock, so Angie puts Brad's stuff on him, which is supposed to generate the "warming" effect, and he applies hers, which is the anticipated "tingling" effect and off they go.

Fairly quickly Angie remembers thinking "OK, I don't really feel tingling. It's more cold than anything else." But she carries on, and waits for the tingling to start, assuming Brad is feeling the "warmth" that his was supposed to deliver. Meanwhile, she's getting colder and colder down there, like somebody is rubbing an ice cube all over her.

After about 5 minutes, Brad stops and says "Baby, I don't feel anything" and Angie was like "I know! I don't feel tingling or anything either" and he says "No, I mean I don't feel *anything*. I'm numb". LOLOLOLOL

Angelina started laughing and said "OMG, so am I! I thought it was just me! It's so cold down there, yet it's like a burning cold if that makes sense!!", to which Brad responds "Tell me about it, I feel like I'm fucking Peppermint Patty" and they officially lost it. At this point they were laughing so hard they were crying, and lamenting how their "special first Valentine's night" hadn't quite turned out the way they planned.

So after about 15 minutes, Brad says "OK let's see if it's worn off an we can make something happen now" and attempts to head south, thinking he will rev Angie up with a little foreplay, at which time she starts screaming "No, don't do that! You'll end up with your entire mouth numb like you've just had a root canal!" The visual in both of their heads of him coming up for air with a face full of Novacaine sends them into convulsions of laughter and promptly puts an end to Geezer's Gone Wild Night.

Eventually they give up on the idea of their sexy Valentine's romp, and decide that at this age, it's best to stick with the tried and true stuff and leave the experimenting to the younger crowd.

Consider this a public service announcement. You're welcome.


Trisha R Jackson said...

Funny stuff but man, I was totally coming here to find out that you were announcing that you were pregnant.


Allison said...

LMFAO, Julie....totally something that would happen to me.

Julie said...

@Trisha...NOT FUNNY. I will throw myself off the cruise ship if I am 50 and Pregnant.

dcr said...

thanks for saving me some money and wasted effort!

FRANNIE said...

Peppermint Patty! OMG I couldn't stop laughing after that.

Danica said...

Now that cracks my shit up!!!!!!!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Wow, that is NOT what they advertise! Thanks for the laugh. Or the warning.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

That's hilarious! Maybe Brad and Angie needed to apply and wait an hour or so???

Jamie said...

Again, an out-loud, real laugh at four am..and always from your blog. Thanks for the beginning to my day, and thanks for the warning.

Hugs, friend. :)

Anonymous said...

seriously....I am crying laughing so hard, thank God no one is at work yet, whew!! Did you maybe apply his stuff on you and your stuff on him? anwyay, thanks for public service annoucement or should I say pubic announcement???????

love ya!
Jill from NY

Cher' Shots said...

Experience is always the best 'public service announcement' or is that 'pubic'?? rofl
'hugs from afar'

jessica said...

HYSTERICAL. I have not tried the 'yours and mine' line, but i have tried the one labeled warming and the one labeled tingling. Which is the same stuff just marketed differently. And can i just tell you it works wonders for us. I just L-O-V-E the tingling...so i guess we've just been lucky.
But I agree, tried and true is always a safe bet.
I remember the last time we tried to be romantic...I set off the smoke alarm...and it wasn't the sparks from all out lovemaking but the candles that set them off.

Fragrant Liar said...

Aaaaaahahahahaha, I have been catching up on your blog. What a bunch of funny iPhone screwups, and lots of other funnies.

I tried this product, and it just could not live up to its name.

Glad to see you are doing so well!

Tatum @ Many Moments Of Me said...

Great hilarious story! Love it!

gayle said...

This is so funny!! Now I'm really afraid to try it! IT's been sitting under my sink for several months.