Monday, August 30, 2010

What do you mean?


There are at least eight words in the Mars/Venus dictionary that can be taken two different ways. Memorize them, there will be a quiz later.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while naked.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A picture truly is worth a thousand...OMG's.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly present to you....

The Thailand Vagina Tree.


There just really are no words.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Love, Lust and Marriage


Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- When your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in what's on TV tonight

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage - You only leave the house when your spouse comes home.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Proof positive, I was indeed married.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Happy birthday to my youngest older sister!

The youngest of my three older sisters is having a birthday today.


(This is us last year at the American Idol tour)

Happy birthday, Patty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you very much and hope you have a great day!!!!!!!!!!


Friday, August 20, 2010

Happy 86th Birthday, Mom

I'm so blessed to have you here for one more. I love you with all my heart.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

It's never too late to live happily ever after.

Once again, I am still swamped at work and recycling old blogs to amuse and entertain you. This one was from a year ago, and I am very happy to say that I definitely think it's never to late to live happily ever after! As some of you picked up on in my post Monday, I am "quietly dating" someone again. Will fill you in soon....

Meanwhile, enjoy this rewind from August 17, 2009. Cheers!


One of my readers commented last week and asked me what I thought about this:

At our age, is it still possible to have that "happily ever after"?

She said:

I am just 50 and have been in serious/not so serious relationships since my divorce [almost] ten years ago. I am (in my own mind and have also been told) attractive, financially stable, sweet, decent, sexy, etc. A good catch perhaps? Truthfully, I suppose that is true. I am not the helpless "I need a man" whining type. Nor, do I depend on a man to fulfill me or to "make" me happy. I have good relationships with family and friends. I like my life. Perhaps the best way of summing up my relationship potential is to state that the men I have had serious relationships are still good friends.

So ------- I hear this a lot. Do you?

- don't settle
- you deserve a man who treats you like a queen
- someone is out there who is just for you

Truly I am a realist. I am not counting on having a relationship. I am not counting on someone to grow old with. I am not counting on anything. I am merely wondering if it's even possible. I am incredibly curious about this.

At age 50 we have lived life. The men I know have lived their lives. We have scars. We have had experiences; good and bad. We have raised our children. We've lived independently for a while. With all of this:

- is it realistic to think that we can put past experience behind us and choose to love again?
- is it realistic that a man of my age would even have the desire to put me and our relationship as the focus of their life?
- are there even any men like that out there?
- do marriages happen at this age?
- is it realistic to think that good late-in-life relationships occur? work? last?

I wonder if at this time in my life I should just share sex/companionship/conversation with a man and leave it at that? Have no further expectations?

As I said before, I am happy now with life as it is but smart enough to realize that a good relationship would enhance my life. I just want to know the reality of later in life relationships; if they even exist. And if they do, what they are like.

Sincerely, Single in Cali.


Dear Single:

God, I hope it's possible. If not, I'm going to be really disappointed.

Like you, I am (or so I'm told) attractive, sweet, funny, sexy, and while I may not be rolling in the dough, I am paying the bills and able to buy the occasional Coach purse, or travel to visit my blogging buddies in other states. (Watch out, Paula. I'm looking for a passport stamp. You and Germany are next!)

And like you, I do hear the same things from my friends. I shouldn't settle for less than what I want in my next relationship. I deserve to be treated like a queen after being run over by the bus that was my ex-husband. And yes, I always hear "Mr. Right is out there, and he'll come along when you aren't looking."

Well, when do I stop looking?

What is the time limit from my last date til when I officially give up all hope? Is there a countdown clock going on somewhere that every time I go out on yet another prospective partner job interview date, it resets itself and just waits for me to give up all hope on finding that guy that I could care enough about to give 'happily ever after' one more shot?

And when I do finally give up, and accept that I may be alone for the rest of my life...how soon does Dr. Right finally drive up in his Porsche? (I'm being sarcastic...FYI)

Yes, I have baggage. My marriage wasn't always easy, and my divorce broke my heart. And thanks to the way it ended, I will probably have a really, really hard time trusting a man again. But I am willing to try.

I'm ready. And I think it is realistic to believe that there are men out there who are willing to put their own past experiences behind them and fall in love again too.

Now, that being said...I sure haven't found one yet!

But here's the thing, everybody's experiences are different. My bloggy friend CCD had a divorce every bit as horrific as mine (and more so), and she's happily in love and getting married again. But then again, another of my blogging buddies just broke up with her boyfriend who I thought she'd be with forever. I know a lot of my readers are single again and some have gone on and found great guys, and others are in our same position...wondering if there really is someone out there for us.

I don't "need" a man. But I want one really badly. I just miss everything about the concept. I miss having a partner, a best friend, a lover, a companion. I miss being special to another person.

So to answer your question, yes I think later-in-life relationships exist, and they can be very good. I have seen it happen! I try very hard to be positive about it, and in the meantime, while I wait for whoever-he-is to find his way into my life, I am doing things for ME. Taking care of myself, my health, my finances, etc. Learning to be happy with me, so that I don't ever feel like it takes a man to give me that happiness.

But don't take my word for it. My readers have tons of experience in this area. So I am asking them to let us both know their experiences with life after divorce, and relationships at this age....

Readers....do YOU believe it's still possible to have 'happily ever after' once you're past 45?

Monday, August 16, 2010

Finish the sentence. I dare you....

OK, I'll play.

Hi, my name is: Julie...Jules...Anastasia Beaverhausen...Helena Handbasket...Regis...Mom...Jewelry....depends on who's talking to me or what board I'm on!

I've never been to: Spain. But I kinda like the music...

I hate it when: I look in the mirror, expecting to see a 30'ish year old hot mama, and instead there's some old'ish woman looking back at me! Honestly, it shocks me every single time! I'm fast approaching the big FIVE OH, and my face looks every second of it. But my mind is still somewhere in my 30's! I need the two to make peace with each other!

The one person who can drive me nuts is: My ex. Just knowing he's breathing can make me insane. LOL Never in my life has anyone known every possible button to push like he does. Good news is I haven't seen him in three months. I'm much more well adjusted now!

When I'm nervous: I can't sit still. I pace. I shake my right leg. I bite at my fake nails. And my bottom lip. And I breathe really hard. (Ironically I do most of these same things during sex.) (I think.) (I can't really remember that far back.)

The last song I listened to was: "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves". Random, I know. I was scanning Sirius stations on the way into work and it was on the 70's one.

If I were to get married today my maid of honor/best man would: Nobody. I'd be at the drive thru wedding chapel in Vegas.

My hair is: As big as I can get it. I haven't outgrown the 80's mall look yet. However it keeps getting thinner as I get older, so height is becoming an issue.

When I was 5: My older sister told me that I was adopted and made me cry. Then she said "Oh for God's sake, if you were adopted we'd have sent you back by now!" And that made me cry harder. Bitch.

Last Christmas: I have no idea what happened last Christmas. Hell I can't remember last weekend.

I should be: Making millions as I type. But I'm not. Blogging doesn't pay well.

When I look down: I wonder where my feet are.

The happiest recent event was: Jordan getting accepted at UC. It's the most exciting time of his life and it makes me happy.

My current annoyance is: Lack of real estate clients. How am I supposed to pay off my bills and travel if nobody is buying/selling houses? Come on, people. I need a stimulus package of my own!

I have a hard time understanding: Euchre. I just can't grasp it. Seriously, I am not *that* stupid but that game confused the bejeezus out of me.

There's this girl that I know: Who needs to kick her husband's ass from here to Cleveland. I'll help. He is making ME never want to get married again.

The thing I want to buy is: A new face. I never thought I'd be bothered by lines and wrinkles but I'm telling you, this past year my face has driven me nuts. As one of my friends said...it's matured tremendously! LOL I'm saving for some work, I'm just telling you now. I have become *that* vain.

If you visited the place I'm from: And the police were called, they'd be dispatched to you by my BFF Cheri.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: Lotion and body spray. Yeah, something that trivial is newsworthy.

Most recent thing someone else bought me was: He brought Greek salads over and we hung out watching TV. It was a nice evening.

My middle name is: Denise. If I were a boy it would have been Denephew.

Last night I was: Clearing out my DVR and getting caught up on my favorite shows.

If I was an animal I'd be: A black bear. Let's face it, I like fur, I look good in black, and I have no problems whatsoever laying around all winter long.

Tomorrow I am: Get a pedicure after work. Yay!

Tonight I am: Going to probably see That Guy Again.

Finish the sentence...I dare you.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Is there a "y'all" at the end of hostile?

I'm swamped at work and have no time to write new blogs, so I'm rewinding back to August of last year and reposting this one for your amusement:


So the other day I did a blog post about Paula Deen being President. One of my long time readers from Georgia (you know who you are, but to protect you in this instance I won't mention names) sent it to me via email because she knows my love of ATP (All Things Paula).

Like many emails I get, I blogged about it. There was no link or reference in the email that stated it had previously been posted on another blog, or I'd have given credit where credit is due. Nor did it seem to make sense to preface the post with "Hey, my friend Susie got this from her friend Sally who forwarded it from Debbie who forwarded it from Kathy who got it from Kelly....blah blah blah". It was an email, for heaven's sake. We all get many joke emails a day. Do you know the origination of every one that you get?

Then I received a comment on the post from a person who owns a blog saying I was stealing from her and violating her copyright, etc.

I wrote to this person and apologized and said that I had received it in an email, thought it was funny and blogged about it. (For the record, while it was amusing, it needed tweaking, so I added my own comments to the end of it as well.) I offered to link back to their site, or remove it entirely.

Frankly, I was thinking to myself, you might wanna take me up on the link back offer. Nobody should turn down free advertising!

The response I received was rather surprising. It started out with "Greetings" then quickly turned to calling me a liar about how I received the information (that it did not come via email but rather I went to the site and stole it), continued with accusing me of taking credit for work that wasn't mine (which I never did) and ended with veiled threats of being sued for claiming something as my own that isn't.

Wow. Hostile!

I really didn't mean to piss anybody off with it. I just thought it was a mildly cute thing to post. Funny thing is, if someone posted one of my blogs on their site, I'd have been flattered that they thought it was entertaining enough to use, and would have simply written them an email saying "Hey, that's my original post, please make sure you say that on your blog or link back to me."

(Except for that time when the Bike Smut guys posted part of my discussion with the exercise bike. To their credit, they did link back to me, but unfortunately I really didn't want my blog being associated with bicycle porn! I send them a nice email asking them to remove it and they did.)

Getting all whipped up about an honest mistake really isn't necessary. Especially when this could have been turned into an advantage for the other blogger. I have lots of followers and tons of daily readers who probably would have gotten a kick out of his/her blog, if I'd linked to it instead of deleting the post altogether.

Funny thing is, in looking at his/her site, they put a link at the end of every post that says "E-Mail To A Friend". So I'm thinking to myself...if you don't want people emailing your blog posts to others, thus opening yourself up for it being copied elsewhere....you might want to remove that link!

And I have to wonder....does the owner of that site have written permission from Paula Deen to use an image of her and draw a mustache on it, as her blog header?? Or from Racheal Ray who has horns drawn on her head? I see numerous pictures in their blog posts that have clearly been taken from other sources. C'mon, who thinks this blogger is Paula Deen's personal photographer? So wouldn't using someone else's photographs on your blog (especially stock photos such as the ones in the header which can be found all over the web) be stealing as well? Isn't that just what he/she accused me of doing?

And then I saw it.

The link asking for Paypal donations to help with the web hosting fees on this site. LOL...that's the funniest thing I've ever seen!!!! Hell, who knew it was appropriate to solicit your readers for money to keep your blog online? I average 7,000 blog hits a month. If you'd all send me a dollar every time you visit my blog, I can quit my job and do this for a living!!!! My blog would be SO MUCH MORE FUN if you guys would just support me financially while I write it.

I'm still laughing at that. It takes some pretty big cajones to ask your readers to "donate" to your blog. Wow. Seriously, who does that? And would you even read a blog that did??

So anyway....I have removed the infamous Paula Deen post from my blog.

If you want to read more, the link to that site is....oh wait, I don't want to get sued for posting the blog address without permission. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Monday, August 9, 2010

Maggie and Pappy birthdays....for the 29th year in a row.

So on this day, I usually post something like THIS to wish my Dad and my niece Maggie a happy birthday.

This year, Dad would have been 87 today, and Maggie is 29. Gasp! Twenty nine? How is that possible???

Maggie always had birthday cakes that said "Happy Birthday, Maggie and Pappy" and my Dad loved sharing his birthday with her.


Ah, those were the days. Dad loved all his grandchildren, but I think he and Maggie were especially close. He never enjoyed birthdays so much as he did after she was born on his.

The birthday girl had a dinner party last night and being the true princess that she is, she wore her crown:


If Daddy had been there, he'd have worn one right along with her.

Happy birthday, Dad. I love you and miss you every single day. Make Linda buy you a beer today.

And happy birthday, Maggie. I'm so proud of you, you are such a beautiful woman in every way....and I couldn't love you more if you were my daughter instead of my niece.

Party on, rock stars.

Friday, August 6, 2010

If time flies, when do I start having fun?



Look at the count down up at the top on the right..

My son *thinks* he's moving out in 40 days.

He doesn't realize I'm grounding him to his room til he's 30. LOL

40 days. 40 days are all I have left of my Mom Job. Now, I realize my parenting doesn't end when he moves out. But in a way it does. Things change. I won't know where he is and what he's doing and who he's doing it with all the time anymore.

(Humor me, I realize I only *think* I've known these things the past few years, but just go with me on this, ok?)

Chances are he's never going to move back home. Oh sure, he'll throw me a bone and come home on holidays and in the summertime (maybe...he's already considering staying in Cincinnati during the summer)....but more than likely after graduation he may not even come back to Columbus, or stay in Ohio.

So 40 more days are all I have until my life changes as much as his does.

If nineteen years have flown by this fast, 40 days will be over in the blink of an eye.

I'm not ready.

I need a wine IV. Stat.


Monday, August 2, 2010

You're never too old to hold Mommy's hand....


Mom and I sat and talked yesterday during our visit, and she had reached out and grabbed my hand like this. We sat for the longest time, holding hands and I just listened while she talked about my Dad, and my sister Linda, and her sister....all those who are in heaven waiting on her.

I kept looking down at our hands, and thought about being a little girl and holding Mommy's hand.

I remembered being in the hospital when I was really young, maybe 5 or 6, and my mom sitting beside me on the hospital bed, my little hand in hers, and assuring me I would be fine, and she and Daddy weren't going anywhere.

I remembered being 13 years old and trying out for cheerleader and not making the team, and crying my eyes out, and Mom holding both my hands in hers and telling me that it was okay, I could try again next year.

I remembered her standing by my hospital bed the day I had Jordan, and as I held my son, my mom held his little hand and mine, and said how proud of me she was, and that she knew I would be a wonderful mother.

I remembered the day I woke my Mom up eight years ago to show her my engagement ring, and she held my hand tightly and said "I'm so happy for you. My prayers have been answered."

Holding her hand yesterday reminded me of so many wonderful things about my Mom. Things I will cherish for the rest of my life.

And this picture will always remind me how much love I've felt my entire life...holding Mommy's hand.