Wednesday, June 30, 2010

How NOT to meet women - Part 3

I had to lighten things up a little bit today. I'm tired of being sad.

Got an email from a guy who's profile says....wait for it.....

Need cherished?
Need a man?
Need money?
Self righteous?
Never satisfied?
Over weight?
A lot of makeup?
Divorced 2 times?
Taking birth control?
Drink wine over beer?
Need fine dining over a pub?
Always in a dress?
Can't throw a ball?
Always need "I love you"?

Any of the above....cya later.

Golfers only please!

OMG, I laughed out loud. Now there's a guy who knows what he DOESN'T want in a woman.

However, I think it's pretty clear that what he really wants is a dude he can golf with.  Boobs optional.

Too frickin' funny.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Still hanging in there

This has been a tough week. Mom has been in the hospital a week today, and my sisters and I are there all day every day with her. We go in shifts but it's hard on all of us, trying to balance work and hospital time but we are doing it.

Mom had the kidney tube removed yesterday and a stent put it, and afterwards she told my sister "I'm done, no more". She just wants to go home (to the nursing home) to see her friends. I think she just wants to say goodbye, and that's okay.

She still has a little bit of an appetite so I think that means she's not quite ready to leave us yet. I'm told that's the first thing to go, when her body stops wanting or needing food. So I think we still have a couple of weeks with her. But who knows, these things are unpredictable aren't they?

Thank you all for your love, thoughts and prayers. My family appreciates it, and personally it means the world to me. I've made so many friends with this blog, and each of you has touched my life in a very special way, and for that I'll always be grateful.

I'll keep you posted as the roller coaster ride continues....

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, June 26, 2010

It's harder now.

My mom is dying.

On Wednesday the doctors were unable to drain her kidney as they discovered that her blood platelets were extremely low, and her spleen was very much enlarged. She was also developing fluid on her lungs.

My family and I talked to the doctor frankly about what to do next, and came to the agreement that they would give her platelets and do the kidney draining procedure in an effort to rid her body of the toxins and see if it would jumpstart her kidneys again (now both are not working) and maybe even flush the 9mm stone out.

Nothing that is wrong with my Mom is reversible. She isn't going to get better. She has started failing quickly this past 48 hours. Anything we do at this point is now just prolonging her death....not extending her life.

The doctor suggested that we take her back to the nursing home and call hospice in, and let nature take it's course.

We have agreed.

To be honest, I don't think she'll leave the hospital. They intend to keep her through the weekend but I will be surprised if she makes it that long. She no longer want to eat, barely drinks, and is mostly sleeping.

We have all accepted that it's time to let go, and that it's just a matter of days or maybe a couple of weeks until her body shuts's coming and it's coming quickly.

I sat there last night watching her sleep, and in my mind a movie was playing....little snippets of times spent with her. Things from when I was little, or a teenager, or even just the past couple of years. I smiled, and laughed, and cried.

Pray for her, please. That her body lets her spirit go to be with Daddy and Linda. I know they are waiting for her.

P.S.  The picture above was taken on Christmas 2008, when Jordan got his Mac Book and we were having fun with Photo Booth.  Mom was amazed that we could look at the computer and take a picture of her, me, and my sisters Sue Ellen and Patty all together.  I love this one.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Mom and the Meet & Greet, etc.

Mom's surgery yesterday was an epic fail. Her kidney was totally obstructed and they could not get the scope or laser in to break up the boulder stone. Her kidney is full of urine that is "sweating" out into her body now, and so they have to go in and manually drain it today, and then in a few days try the procedure again.

It was really tough on her yesterday, clearly the anesthesia was difficult for her. She's having a very rough time, and it breaks my heart to see her either in pain, or just so agitated.

I just pray that this turns out however she wants it to, and what is best for her.

In other news....the Meet & Greet scheduled for Tuesday obviously didn't happen since I spent that entire night in the ER with Mom. He's going to be out of town for a couple of weeks so it's been postponed indefinitely. Which is fine....meeting a guy right now is the last thing on my mind.

One good thing I'd like to mention....I'm so very happy to announce that yesterday my buddy Jaded was blessed with a beautiful little girl. She and her husband have lost two daughters, and I'm just thrilled for them that their dreams have finally come true. Congrats to them all.

I think that's it for now. I'll be back with an update on Mom tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Mom Situation

As you probably read on Facebook yesterday, Mom is back in the hospital. This time she has two kidney stones, one which is 5mm that she passed yesterday and is now in her bladder, the other is 9mm which is huge. (Actually she has a bunch of little ones in her kidney as well) This big stone is sitting on top of her ureter trying to pass, and of course that's like trying to shove a quarter into a straw so it's not going to happen. But what it's doing is blocking the urine from leaving the kidney therefore making the kidney "sweat" urine which is now going into her body and will cause her to become septic and kill her. So they have to do something to try and break it up but her options are limited considering her age and overall health. Waiting on the urologist to see her and figure out what to do. She also has two spots on her lower lung lobes that are pneumonia.

I'm torn between wanting her to survive this and wanting her to let go. I know, we all know, this is just different signs of her body shutting down. All the things that keep going wrong are part of that. I just don't want her being in pain. We were at the hospital until 12:30 and back again at 7am, and I'm so tired right now, it's so emotionally draining to go through this.

Ugh. I need a drink or 12.

Keep her in your prayers, ok? For whatever the outcome….whatever is best for her. If she needs to let go, I’m okay with it. I just don’t want her to suffer. She has said numerous times this past few weeks, she's ready to go be with Dad and my sister. And if that's what she wants, I want it for her.


Monday, June 21, 2010

I have a case of the Mondays.

Not that it was a bad weekend by any means.

Just too short.

Since my trip last month to Vegas didn't feel much like a vacation, I'm ready for another one. We are so incredibly busy at work and it's just the start of what's going to be the next four months from hell...not only several major installations in and out of the country, but we are moving our offices in September as well.


On the dating scene, I do have a "meet & greet" tomorrow evening. Seems like a very nice, normal guy. Gainfully employed, children out of the house, consistent in his words so far. So, we'll see how it goes.

I'm a little discouraged on that front. From the experiences you single ladies are having out there (and have left me comments about), to the ones I am having of my own, it seems that the number of seemingly normal, well adjusted available men is a very low one. I don't get the whole misrepresenting yourself, lying about your situation, or posting pictures that were taken 15 years and 50 pounds ago. It's going to come to light the second we meet so why bother with all the smoke and mirrors?

See, this is what kept me with my ex for the past five years. At least I *knew* him, I knew where he comes from and what he's made of and when he's lying! I knew why he was divorced and what his ex wife would say about him. (and I knew he had great taste in women, at least THIS woman. LOL) I knew his mood swings and his financial situation and knowing all these things gave me a comfort level that I don't have now. Granted, it wasn't perfect by any means and I want far more out of a relationship than what ours had morphed into, but at least I knew what I was dealing with.

I'm finding myself frustrated by either meeting guys who are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too attentive when they haven't even met me yet (good night texts are NOT necessary at that point!) or those who are interesting but can't seem to carry on a conversation to save their lives. I actually had one guy last week who had emailed me, and I responded, and we went back and forth like twice, and then I logged off because frankly, I had better things to do than sit on POF and exchanged benign banter with somebody who isn't asking me anything, but rather just exchanging trivia about himself. So he sends me another email saying "Obviously you aren't interested, since you quit responding."  For the love of God, it has been 10 minutes since my last email.  No lie!  I couldn't even respond to that.  I still can't.

I'm going into tomorrow's meeting with zero expectations. That way, there's only one way to go and that's uphill from there.

I am really just annoyed with this whole being single again and having to do this fucking dating thing. This wasn't in my plans at almost 50 years old.

Why did everything I thought my life was going to be at this age, take such a dramatic left turn? Ten years ago when I met my ex, I saw the rest of my life in the future and it looked pretty damn good. And now, it's nothing like it was supposed to be, or I thought it would be. I'm not saying it's bad, don't get me wrong. My marriage/divorce was a huge changing point in my life, and I learned a whole lot of lessons that evidently the Universe thought I needed to know. In fact I was practically beat over the head with many of them, just to drive the point home.

OK Universe, so I learned them. Now what? Any chance we can start practical application now?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Don't mistake my kindness for stupidity. Or, How Not To Meet Women, Episode 2.

A week or so ago, I met a guy online who I was instantly attracted to.  His first email to me made me laugh out loud. His profile was great. And he was not hard on the eyes by any means. (And tall! 6'5", which made all 5'8" of me very happy!) On the negative side, he had a child under the age of ten, which it is NOT my preference to date anyone with kids still living at home (where you've gotta deal with custody issues and crappy ex-wives not wanting you to "stepmom" their kids, or having to go to a thousand fricking little league games a week).  And....he is separated from his wife, not yet divorced. He made it a point to let me know that the divorce has been filed, it's just a waiting game for the court date to roll around.

Not my ideal situation, but he was so funny and interesting that I was willing to consider it because the pros seemed to outweigh the cons.

So, we exchanged a lot of emails, then texts and phone calls, and made a date for this coming Saturday night.

I was really looking forward to it. He was the first guy in this recent foray back into the dating pool who has really intrigued me and made me actually want to meet him.

So last Thursday evening as we're talking, he makes a comment to me that he's dropping by his Mom's house on his way home from work, right? He's even on the phone with me as he walks into her house, yells "Mom? Are you home?" and I hear her yell back.

It's all good, he's a dude who visits his Mom.

Sunday night, as we're talking on the phone again, he says "Oh, by the way, in the interest of being totally honest with you, I should mention that I do live with my Mom right now. Yeah, I'm "that guy". But it's only because when I moved out of the house, I moved in with her until the divorce is final, the house sells, and everything is finalized from my marriage."

Ding ding flag.

And I thought to myself....Okay. I can understand that. But you just told me three days ago that you were dropping by Mom's to visit, even made a big show of it. Did you just move in with her in the past three days?

Then later in the conversation he mentions that he's at his ex's house doing yardwork (why??) and says that she won't do it and he wants the house to sell so he goes and does it.

Hmmmm.  Okaaaaaay. I guess I can see that as well.

During this conversation he repeats a story he had just told me on Thursday, and I'm starting to figure out quickly that he's clearly having these conversations with more people than just me, and he's forgetting who he's said what to.  I have no doubt he forgot that I was the one he was talking to when he "dropped by to see Mom", because then when he told me he lived with her, it was like he'd never mentioned his mother before.

I didn't talk to him on Monday and on Tuesday he emailed me that he'd been busy working and moving and I finally said "Dude!  First you were visiting Mom then three days later you were living with her, and now you're moving again?  What's up with that??"

His response was that he works from home, and his home office is in his ex's house, but she's a teacher and now that school is out she doesn't want him there during the day plus he hadn't really moved all his stuff out of the house so he was moving the office and the rest of his personal things, and the realtor was coming to sign papers today, and that he had told me his life was in flux but I seemed okay with it.

There were so many red flags flying by now that it looked like Switzerland was being represented at the Olympics.

And again I thought to myself..... NO.  What you led me to believe was that you lived alone, your divorce would be final any time, and your house was already up for sale.

So I responded that I didn't realize it was quite *this* in flux, and was his divorce actually filed or was that part of the "ongoing flux" as well?  He carefully dodged the divorce question and said I needed to listen to my heart and I seemed to be having second thoughts about this relationship (remember, I've never met the guy so there is no relationship at this point) and at that point I got really annoyed and said "My heart doesn't tell me anything at this point, you and I haven't even met so my heart isn't involved.  My head however, certainly has questions.  And it notices you didn't answer the one about the divorce....?"

As you can probably imagine, his next email said he was "pretty sure the paperwork would be completed in the next week or so" (c'mon, I've been divorced.  If you haven't signed papers and gotten a firm court date, you haven't even FILED.  I'm not an idiot!) and then....wait for it....

"You are interrogating me and that is not a good sign.  I don't think we're a good match.  Good luck."

I laughed my ass off.  Busted the guy out for lying about numerous things, and yet I'm the bad guy.  Dude, I had a cheating husband.  My bullshit radar is finely tuned.  It's all about the details for me and if your stories don't match up or there are big gaping holes in it, I'm gonna ask you about it.  If you're trying to date me, I have that right to be clear on what I'm getting myself into!

What is with these guys???  Ugh.  I am not happy with the selection of men out there.  So far what I've seen are too many guys with their lives a complete mess, and I don't want to pick up the pieces of the shit storm you've created in your own damn life.  


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

How NOT to meet women. Episode 1.

Ah yes, back in the dating pool. It is giving me SO much blog fodder.

Today's episode features this guy....his email to me is entitled "Hi Sexy" and says:

Hey you sexy, georgeous, well endowed babe!

I like your profile. We should chat sometime soon. If you like, send me an IM over on yahoo. I'm Golfer***. Let's talk and see it there is any chemistry then maybe get together and "see what comes up"!

Well Captain Obvious, while yes, I am all of those things you so carefully outlined in your email, I'm also not interested in, as Jimmy Buffet would sing, the sharks that swim on the land.

Can't you feel 'em circlin', honey
Can't you feel 'em schoolin' around
You got fins to the left, fins to the right
And you're the only bait in town

My eyes are up here, dude. Look north.

Is it any surprise this guy is not looking for a relationship, but just casual dating? LOL


Sunday, June 13, 2010

The Cutest Mom Ever

Red hot mama

The nursing home took pictures of all the little ladies and they are lined up on the wall heading into the dining room.

I'm so glad I have this. It's my mom's personality to a tee. I always want to think of her like this. Smiling and having fun.

She will be 86 in August. Hopefully she will still be here to celebrate it. If she is, I'm buying her a red hat and a boa.

She should always have one, don't you think?

Friday, June 11, 2010

You can't be serious.

Dude, how do you EVER expect to get a date with a profile like this?  (For the record, this picture is NOT him.  As far as I know.....)

His name is...Captain Quirk.  Of course it is...

Ground control to Major Blond, Red, or Brunette. Get ready for take off with the prince of the cosmos, the one and only, the famous superSTAR, Captainnnnnn Quirk!!!

Sure I may come off as a "space cadet", but I'm quite the responsible nut, once you get to know me. (hence the rank of Captainnnnn..nnn"

Some say that I'm love "Enterprise" since I have my own business, but that may be why my brain is so full of star dust.

OK OK OK seriously

I live by the Golden Rule. My faith has been very important to me since I was a child.

Divorce struck 2yrs. ago. Was a bummer, yes, but I'm ready to enjoy life again. I am not that pretty or ugly, but know how to respect and treat a lady.

I'm not in a hurry. Life is topsy turvy but good. SOOOO Say Hi to the Captain. A little quirky ? Sure. A lot of fun...definitely!!

First Date
Well,,,hmm,,,we could fly to the planet Starbucks for a snort of their delicious, somewhat bitter, and over-priced space fuel,(I'll have mine with Milk..yway please) where we could compare notes on our latest interstellar journeys. Kick back, take it out of warp speed, and see what happens. Maybe become friends, or maybe sign on to soar to the stars ...together...God Bless and thanks for reading.

Negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full. Keep flying right on by....

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Official Man Laws

Ladies, if you know an offender, report him to me immediately. If guys are writing these rules for themselves and still not following them, they need punished.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29: The only time two men are allowed to hold hands is if one is dangling over a cliff... and only then if family.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Idiot Sightings

Thanks for the laugh, Danica!!!!

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.


My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS


My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.


How would you pronounce this child's name?


Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."



They walk among us ..... and they VOTE

Monday, June 7, 2010

If loving you is wrong....I don't wanna be right.

Yes, it's Whipped Cream flavored vodka.

This, along with Diet A&W Root Beer, is like a party in my mouth.

All is officially right in my world now.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Happy birthday, Molly!

Thirty and fabulous, baby!!!

This is my niece, and she's a prosecuting attorney in Virginia. And on Sunday, she turns the big Three Ohhhhhh!

Having a party for her tonight since she's home for the week. Will post wine soaked pictures later.

Have a wonderful birthday, honey. I love you much and am very proud of you.


Friday, June 4, 2010

A sad update....

You may remember this post about my buddy Sarah's niece, Mattie.

I'm sad to tell you that little Mattie passed away Wednesday afternoon.

My thoughts and prayers are with Sarah's family as they deal with their loss.

Her obituary, in part, says:

On June 2, 2010 our precious Angel Mattie Elizabeth Powell age 5 of Fayette, OH earned her wings and flew home to be with the Lord. Mattie had a great day. She played, did crafts, took pictures and gave Mommy and Daddy Hugs and Kisses all before taking a nap. When she woke up she was in the presence of the Lord. Mattie fought a courageous 2 ½ year battle with brain and bone cancer. Mattie had a beautiful smile that filled the room with joy. She touched many lives in her short lifetime.

You can't leave a better legacy than that. Godspeed, beautiful girl.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Seriously? Who does this?

This is a sign posted in the tanning bed rooms at the place I go....and it's over the trash can:

Say what?

With my curiosity piqued, I asked them if this was *really* an issue (I actually thought this might be a joke)....and turns out, yes it is.

And the signs don't deter people from peeing AND/OR pooping in the trash can.

Let me say that again....IN THE TRASH CAN.

I just have to ask...........why?????? And who does this?

How bad do you have to go to the bathroom that you can't hold it for the 10 seconds it takes to get down the hall to an actual toilet?????????

Do people suddenly get the urge to go in the middle of tanning, and rather than stop the bed early, they jump out, pop a squat over the trash can, and get right back in before their 15 minutes of fake sun is over?

Hell why not just pee on the tanning bed while you're in there. The heat will probably evaporate it, and they have to clean the beds off between customers anyway.

What's the weirdest sign or thing you've seen recently?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Know them, and follow them. Because I said so.

I dunno who wrote the damn thing, but I like it.  Whoever this guy is who actually did write it, give him my number.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years and that's because you don't particularly like them!  Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days.  He's mowing my lawn.

New Rule:  Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. Stop it.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I don't even know if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to meet you dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh on your body. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"