Saturday, May 29, 2010

And the winner is....

Light red!

It feels good to be "me" again!!

-Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, May 28, 2010

Pick a color....any color....

Getting my hair colored after work and getting rid of this blonde crap. Yay! Thinking about being a redhead again. After all that was my "natural" hair color for 25 years. And I was good at it. It suited my personality!

But then again I've been just about every color...

Really dark (she took my "coffee color" seriously):

Ugly boring brown:

Reddish brown:


My Cruella DeVille look:

Just an odd color:

Carrot Top:

Sweet Jesus, am I blonde or brunette? Put the same color on both sides of my head, lady!

Worst Blonde Ever:

Who I want to be when I grow up:

What do you think? Pick a color...any color....I've been 'em all!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The next Survivor is going to be awesome!

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and take either music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget enough money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time - no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Emergency Room.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a school function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside, and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn themselves with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished, and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, backaches, headaches, have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:30 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size, doctor's name, the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear, and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years, eventually earning the right to be called Mother!

Yeah, I can't WAIT to see this.  (By the way, I know there are a lot of single Dad's who currently do all this, and kudos to them....)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I've got a hole in one.

I don't write this stuff, people. I just plagiarize it.

Some new golf terms to use when you're out on the course...

A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.

A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.

A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water.

A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.

An 'O.J.'- got away with one.

A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.

A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver.

A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.

A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole.

A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right.

A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds.

A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read.

A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out.

A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist.

A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.

A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I'm still....Lost

Watched the finale last night and am still confused. I swear those people who wrote that show were either geniuses or high as fricking kites.

However, this made me laugh out loud. Especially the first alternate ending....


Monday, May 24, 2010

So here's the scoop.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on...

I have not been totally truthful with you guys this past couple of years about being "single".  And the reason for that is because I've been involved with my ex the entire time.  For the past five years, in fact, since our divorce.  Some of my real world friends know this, a few of my blogging buddies do, but I'm tired of hiding and pretending to be someone I'm not.  Pretending like I'm single and looking and just haven't met the good guy yet.  (OK well technically that is true, because I am single and looking, but still!)

I'm telling you this now, because the relationship has finally run it's course.  In Vegas. LOL  Yeah, most people go there and start relationships, I go there to end mine.  But it's ironic really, because we honeymooned there so I guess it is appropriate.

I should have ended our relationship with our divorce like normal people do, but I didn't. And over the years it became habit more than anything else. He gave me with someone to do things with on the weekends, to travel with, etc. It was no grand marital reconciliation, I think it was more a case of "not bad enough to leave, not good enough to stay".  

Relationship purgatory, if you will.

I've been easing out of this for months, recognizing awhile ago that we were really just nothing more than friends who had been married once and were so used to being together that we were just too ingrained in the habit to stop wasting each other's time and move on.  And the need to move on kicked into high gear back in January when I met a really great guy, and I was in no position to pursue anything because of the situation I was in. (And damn, that pissed me off!)

Honestly, the idea of dating scared the shit out of me.  But when I met someone who really interested me and I was too embarrassed to say ""Hey, I need to close this door before I can open another one, can you hang in there with me for a few weeks while I extricate myself from this?", well that's when I realized I had to change my situation and fast, because precious time was slipping away and there are perfectly great guys out there getting snatched up by other women who are smart enough to actually divorce their husbands when they divorce their husbands. LOL   But it still took me 5 months to do it!  I just had to get really, really tired of not getting my needs met, and get my head and my heart on the same page.  And that finally happened. (And yes, Penny....I mean it this time.)

Anyway....that's why I came home from Vegas early, on Thursday night. Well, that and my Mom of course.  However, her situation was not life threatening, and I could have stayed until Saturday as planned.  But I just couldn't.  Emotionally, I hit a wall on Wednesday, and I had that moment where you realize that you're really just DONE.  When I got the call Thursday morning that my Mom was going back to the hospital, I knew it was a sign from God or the Universe or Oprah that I needed to get my sorry ass on a plane back to Columbus, so I did.

And I've gotta tell you, I feel amazing.  I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.  I feel like I have been stagnant for so long, and now I'm happy and excited about what my future holds for me,  for the first time in many, many years.  I have hope, and that's something I haven't had since 2005.

I'm telling you all this because part of my "starting over" is coming clean and being honest about who I am and what I'm doing.  I've been too ashamed to admit that I was still dating my ex, so I just didn't talk about it and instead, gave you all the impression that I had no involvement with him.  I am sorry that I mislead you, and I hope that you will forgive me.  I promise not to do that again.

I am all about being my authentic self now, and part of that is admitting my flaws (and I've got lots of 'em, trust me), identifying and correcting my weaknesses, and making the changes necessary to have the life and love I've only allowed myself to dream about.  

And you know I'll blog about it every step of the way.  I hope you'll take this journey with me.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Stay tuned

My blog post featuring true confessions will be late posting tomorrow. My laptop just died, my charger is at work, and it's way too much to type on my iPhone!

Check in later tomorrow mornings, and let's see if truth really does set me free.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, May 21, 2010

Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Leaving Las Vegas

My mom is in the hospital again. Blood clots in her legs. I'm told it isn't urgent enough for me to come home early.

But I've never been one to do as I was told.

Truth is I'm really not enjoying Vegas much this trip. I've been here too many times now and the thrill is gone. I was bored after two days. I was ready to jump off the faux Eiffel Tower after four days. The idea of being there two more days was making me crazy but I felt like such a loser changing my flight just because nothing about staying in Vegas appealed to me.

And my travelling partner and I...well let's just say my heart and my head are now on the same page. As Linda Lou would say, let Purgefest 2010 begin.

It's not been a good trip.

So when I got the call about my mom this morning I was pretty sure it was the Universe telling me to get on a damn plane and go home and save myself two more days of unhappiness in Sin City.

My flight leaves in an hour.

I have some very important things to change in my life going forward. It's time to shake things up, and make the new start I've delayed for five years now.

I'll be back with a new blog post Monday confessing some sins and telling you about my plans for the future.

Viva Las Vegas. It's been fun but it's time for some new scenery.

See y'all Monday. Have a good weekend.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Won $85.15 playing Fireball last night. Yay!!

That will pay for at least seven of these damn $12 margaritas poolside.

Cabana boys are NOT cheap.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, May 17, 2010

When Architects Drink

Yes, it's a real building in Vegas. The soon to be Cleveland Clinic.

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, May 16, 2010

And we're off.

I'm at the airport waiting on my 6:45 flight to Vegas.

I've pregamed with two double Ketel One's on the rocks and a Xanaxi should be good for the flight.

I'm a nervous flyer if you couldn't guess

We get into Vegas at 10:15. Probably won't do much tonight other than check into the hotel (Planet Hollywood) and chill out

Will update tomorrow with pics poolside.

And maybe one of a cute cabana boy if there is one.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, May 15, 2010

A note to self.

Friday, May 14, 2010


A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF, but before she could say "Fuck!," the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.


So, yay it's Friday! That means in 48 hours I'll be heading to Vegas!

We get in Sunday night around 10pm Vegas time, and leave the following Friday on the red eye coming home.

Monday morning I'm having breakfast with my dear friend Linda Lou before she hits the road for all points East. I can't wait. Cannot believe it's been a year already since I saw her last.

I plan to spend an hour or two at the pool at Planet Hollywood every day, basking in the desert sun and working on my tan lines. Now that the orange spray tan is gone, it's time to get a real one! I've been going to the tanning bed for the past week trying to get a base tan so that I don't fry out there, but never fear...I'll have plenty of sunscreen on!

Not sure what we'll do the rest of the week. Considering a side trip to the Grand Canyon, never been there so that could be fun. Or maybe an overnight into LA. Who knows? No specific plans other than just relaxing and enjoying a week away.

It's been a stressful couple of weeks. Mama needs a cocktail. And if a cute cabana boy delivers it pool be it.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

It's All About A Fly.

There is a very important moral to this story at the end so pay attention.

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, 'Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking, 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking, 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab the fish!!'

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I can tell you there's more.....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,(as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time) Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich....then I can have mouse for lunch.'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..

The mouse ducks....

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story...

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I'm officially a bag lady.

Thanks to my friends at Simply Bags, I am now a bag lady!

Check it out:

How cool is that? It's got my monogram and everything!

This bag is great, it's huge and has plenty of room for whatever you need to carry. This one is their Beach Tote, and I'm taking it to Vegas with me this weekend.

Because you know there is PLENTY of beach in Las Vegas. Just no ocean. Haha

Seriously, it will make a great carry on for the plane ride because it is so roomy, and I can stash all kinds of things in it. It's made out of a heavy canvas'ish material, fully lined with a zippered top, and cool rope handles. I love it!

Bob and his wife have a fabulous selection of personalized bags on their website and are very reasonably priced. They should be charging way more for the quality of these bags!!!

Be sure to check out SIMPLY BAGS and tell them your favorite bag lady (me!) sent you.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The roller coaster has slowed down

The hospital sent Mom back to the nursing home last night. I snapped this picture because I didn't get one of us together on Mother's Day.

She's happy to be "home".

They said there is nothing more they can do for her. She has a "slow leak" in her bowel due to diverticulitis, and it cannot be fixed without surgery....but she is not a candidate for surgery due to her advanced age and health.

So I guess we just take this day by day, monitor her blood count and go from there.

I feel a little better with her being back at the nursing home only because she's with her friends, and the staff fawns all over her and everybody loves her, and I know how happy that makes her. I'd rather see her there than laying alone in a room in a hospital, because we cannot be there with her 24 hours a day.

Thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts this past few days. My family and I greatly appreciate all the wonderful healing energy you put out there in the Universe for us, and for our Mom. We know our time with her is limited, but once again she's proven herself to be a tough old bird, and she's not ready to go yet.

And that's perfectly okay with me.

Monday, May 10, 2010

No real change to report.

Just a quick check in to say, nothing new to report.

Mom is still in ICU although she's in a step-down unit now. She's still bleeding from somewhere but they cannot determine where. We give her blood and her levels go up, and then they go back down. On Friday, her kidneys had shut down and she was running a fever, but they are working better now and the fever is gone. Saturday was a good day, she appeared to be stable, no blood loss, levels were around 10 where they should be and we felt maybe we'd turned a corner and were headed in the right direction.

Sunday morning brought news that her blood level was 7.9, the lowest it's been. Seems we turned back around that corner and took a major leap in the wrong direction.

Last night after giving her 2 pints of blood she was back up to 11.1, but then this morning she was back down to 10. So clearly all we keep doing is topping off her tank and then she runs out of gas again.

It's been a roller coaster to say the least.

I don't know where we go from here. All I know is that the feeling of dread follows me everywhere. My stomach is one big knot. I actually had the start of an anxiety attack in the grocery store yesterday, and was doing Lamaze breathing in the frozen foods trying to calm myself down.

Oh, and I'm supposed to be leaving for Vegas on Sunday. Maybe. That of course, depends on what the situation is then.

The doctors anticipate sending her back to the nursing home as soon as her blood stabilizes, but will not do so until then. They say the nursing home can do the same blood tests they are doing and monitor the levels as well. I don't feel as confident about her being there as I do in the hospital, even though they've taken very good care of her so far....still, the hospital provides a dedicated nurse to her, where in the nursing home they are already short handed.

I don't know.

Part of me wants her to get better, the selfish part that isn't ready to let go of my Mom. Another part of me wants her to just let go, because she has little quality of life as it is. She sleeps 20 hours out of 24 a day, she's basically up for meals and that's it. It's become very difficult to take her out for holidays and things because she can barely stand, so getting her in and out of a car is very difficult.

I would not want to live that way. And I know that she doesn't either. Because it isn't "living". It's existing.

I want what is best for her. Stop this back and forth shit, let's figure out what's bleeding and IF it can be fixed with minor repair. If it can't then we know what our options are.

I. Just. Want. To. Know.

This limbo is killing me.

Friday, May 7, 2010

I guess I know where I'll be spending Mother's Day

My mom was rushed to the ER yesterday as she was hemmoraging. After 10 hours there, and another two waiting for her to get scoped, they've determined that she was bleeding inside her colon but not sure exactly where. The bleeding has stopped, which is why they can't pinpoint where it was coming from. They had to give her a blood transfusion, and she's in ICU right now. Now today, they are concerned that she's not putting out enough urine even though she's had plenty of IV hydration. That makes me wonder if her kidneys are shutting down?

We have to make some decisions as her family as to what course of treatment to take. She's 85 years old, and pretty frail, although in pretty good health physically, her heart and lungs are strong, etc. The surgeon tells us this bleeding will recur, and continue to recur, it's basically either a result of blood vessels in the colon bursting (from old age) or diverticulitis. The common fix is surgery, but at her advanced age she's really not a candidate for that. So the question becomes do we continue to transfuse blood into her when it happens, which is basically just prolonging the inevitable, or do we do nothing and let nature take it's course?

And how do you make that decision about your mother, or anyone you love for that matter?

Yesterday was a tough day. Today we are dividing up shifts at the hospital among my sisters and me. I'm going into work for the day (assuming nothing bad happens), and then my shift starts at 4pm. We're really just in a holding pattern, waiting to see if she starts to bleed again and then figuring out what to do from there.

So I'll be spending Mother's Day in the hospital with my Mom. It may be our last one together. I'm not counting her out yet, though....she's a tough little bird. She's had us convinced more than once that she was moving on and she rallied and stayed with us. I just want what is best for her, and I've turned her over to God and put her in His hands. After all, He knows far more than I do about what's best.

My wish for all of my readers who are mothers, is that you have a wonderful day on Sunday celebrating with your children. And if you are lucky enough to still have your mother here with you, please cherish every second you have with her.

Happy Mother's Day a little early, ladies.

I love you, Mom.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

A Survival Guide for Pooping at Work

I couldn't help myself, I had to post this. I try not to engage in too much gross humor on my blog but this one just begged for attention! We've all been there....

A Survival Guide for Pooping at Work

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office, so the smell isn't in your area. Everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be extremely careful when you do this. Don't stop until the full fart has been fully expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the entire smell has left your pants/panty area.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it didn't happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you didn't hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, don't panic! Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it's best to pretend that the smell doesn't exist. This can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper and/or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK: (P.F.N.) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS,and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you'll avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap, that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you're occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Orange you glad you missed this?

Well, I spray tanned last week.


It wasn't pretty.

Here I am, in all my orange glory. Spotty, blotchy orange glory, mind you.

I was two sequins away from being ready for Dancing with the Stars.

(PS. I look really fat in this top, it's one from before I lost weight so there's lots of leftover fabric. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oh, and note to self, green and orange only go together if you're the Irish flag)

(PSS. Seriously, dude. The blonde hair has to go. I suspected it wasn't a good look for me, but seeing this picture confirmed it. I have no Blonde Ambition. I do not belong in the Blondtourage. With this white hair and orange skin, I look like a freaking Creamsicle)

I don't get it. The dancers always look fantastic on DWTS! And think about it, all the celebrities on the red carpet....fantastic tans.

Kelly Ripa looks damn amazing every freaking morning on Regis and Kelly with her spray tan. (Of course, next to Reege, I'd look pretty damn good myself. Can. Not. Stand. That. Guy. He is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.)

So why not me?

Is it true that hormones can have an affect on the end result? I did everything I was supposed to do...exfoliated the hell out of myself before I went, showered so there was no perfumes, lotions, deodorant, or make up on me that could interfere with the darkening process. Didn't shower for 8 hours afterwards.

(Note to anyone spray tanning....don't sleep on white sheets until after you shower. My bed looked like a crime scene the next morning.)

I'm like a human Cheeto.

Spray tanning is clearly not the answer to my Bronzed Goddess plans.

But gets better. You should see it NOW. It's come off in blotches. It's like watching a bad paint job peel. Half a foot is tan, the other half isn't. Half an ankle looks dirty. My calf is brown but there are drip marks going down the side of my leg.

I look like a melting Creamsicle.

Myrtle Booth, here I come.

Monday, May 3, 2010

OK fess up.

So I'm standing in my shower this morning, looking at my Scrubbing Bubbles thingy that hangs on the shower head.

You know what this is, it's the battery operated thing that sprays shower cleaning stuff all over the place to keep away the crud and mildew.

Suddenly I start reading the label on the back.

OK fess up. Which one of you out there is using this as a body wash?


Somebody is, or it wouldn't be on the warning label.

I want to meet the complete idiot person who stood there looking at this thing and thought "Wow, I can save a step if I just push the button *before* I get out of the shower, and use this as soap! Sweet!"

It's not shampoo either, people. Your hair does not need to smell tile fresh.

So whoever you are, step out of the shower and away from the Scrubbing Bubbler, and THEN push the button.

You're welcome.