Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Know them, and follow them. Because I said so.

I dunno who wrote the damn thing, but I like it.  Whoever this guy is who actually did write it, give him my number.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years and that's because you don't particularly like them!  Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days.  He's mowing my lawn.

New Rule:  Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. Stop it.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I don't even know if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to meet you dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh on your body. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"


13 comments:

FRANNIE said...

Oh my christ!!! The gift registries.....LOOTING!

I was just saying that over the weekend!

Judy said...

I like the bathroom attendant thing. They give you a towel and then I hope they get distracted so they don't see that I didn't leave them a tip! I hate tips who invented that system.

blueviolet said...

Are you sure you don't want to rethink the mega m&m, because ever since I had the shrek ogre sized model, I've been hooked!

Dr. Penny said...

You're not spiritual, you're just high! ROTFLMAO -- been there and done that!!!

And, just don't take your purse in the bathroom and that solves the attendant issue....TIP means 'to insure prompt service', not 'hand me a towel when I can reach it myself' unless the attendant hides them -- been there and done that, too!

Christiejolu said...

LMAO! That was funny!

Sabrae Carter said...

Guess I should stop with the piercings and tats! lol Totally going to steal this for my blog! It's to darn great not to!

Anonymous said...

omg those were funny!! especially about the piercings....my son wants those disc thingys in his ears and I am like "NO WAY"...I told him regular peircings are ok but the discs are out because they will never close up and he thinks they will....BTW he is 17...he wants diamond studs....ummm more like fake diamond studs, LOL...
anyway, thanks for the chuckle first thing in the a.m.....

Jill from NY

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Love it! And it gave me a great idea: next time someone asks me how old I am, I'm going to say, "Six hundred and thirty two months."

ModernMom said...

Bwhaha I LOVE these rules. I always end up behind the girl at Starbucks with the tramp stamp and the mile long coffee order. Maybe next time I could hand her this list!

Linda Medrano said...

Uh, this is hysterical! You rock!

Danica said...

LMAO!!!! This would be why LW is making Lauren take out her recent piercing on her face....

gayle said...

Love your rules ..........except the M & M one:0

NV said...

LOVE these! Recognize many of them and am sure that most -- if not all -- are courtesy of Bill Maher.