Thursday, June 17, 2010

Don't mistake my kindness for stupidity. Or, How Not To Meet Women, Episode 2.

A week or so ago, I met a guy online who I was instantly attracted to.  His first email to me made me laugh out loud. His profile was great. And he was not hard on the eyes by any means. (And tall! 6'5", which made all 5'8" of me very happy!) On the negative side, he had a child under the age of ten, which it is NOT my preference to date anyone with kids still living at home (where you've gotta deal with custody issues and crappy ex-wives not wanting you to "stepmom" their kids, or having to go to a thousand fricking little league games a week).  And....he is separated from his wife, not yet divorced. He made it a point to let me know that the divorce has been filed, it's just a waiting game for the court date to roll around.

Not my ideal situation, but he was so funny and interesting that I was willing to consider it because the pros seemed to outweigh the cons.

So, we exchanged a lot of emails, then texts and phone calls, and made a date for this coming Saturday night.

I was really looking forward to it. He was the first guy in this recent foray back into the dating pool who has really intrigued me and made me actually want to meet him.

So last Thursday evening as we're talking, he makes a comment to me that he's dropping by his Mom's house on his way home from work, right? He's even on the phone with me as he walks into her house, yells "Mom? Are you home?" and I hear her yell back.

It's all good, he's a dude who visits his Mom.

Sunday night, as we're talking on the phone again, he says "Oh, by the way, in the interest of being totally honest with you, I should mention that I do live with my Mom right now. Yeah, I'm "that guy". But it's only because when I moved out of the house, I moved in with her until the divorce is final, the house sells, and everything is finalized from my marriage."

Ding ding flag.

And I thought to myself....Okay. I can understand that. But you just told me three days ago that you were dropping by Mom's to visit, even made a big show of it. Did you just move in with her in the past three days?

Then later in the conversation he mentions that he's at his ex's house doing yardwork (why??) and says that she won't do it and he wants the house to sell so he goes and does it.

Hmmmm.  Okaaaaaay. I guess I can see that as well.

During this conversation he repeats a story he had just told me on Thursday, and I'm starting to figure out quickly that he's clearly having these conversations with more people than just me, and he's forgetting who he's said what to.  I have no doubt he forgot that I was the one he was talking to when he "dropped by to see Mom", because then when he told me he lived with her, it was like he'd never mentioned his mother before.

I didn't talk to him on Monday and on Tuesday he emailed me that he'd been busy working and moving and I finally said "Dude!  First you were visiting Mom then three days later you were living with her, and now you're moving again?  What's up with that??"

His response was that he works from home, and his home office is in his ex's house, but she's a teacher and now that school is out she doesn't want him there during the day plus he hadn't really moved all his stuff out of the house so he was moving the office and the rest of his personal things, and the realtor was coming to sign papers today, and that he had told me his life was in flux but I seemed okay with it.

There were so many red flags flying by now that it looked like Switzerland was being represented at the Olympics.

And again I thought to myself..... NO.  What you led me to believe was that you lived alone, your divorce would be final any time, and your house was already up for sale.

So I responded that I didn't realize it was quite *this* in flux, and was his divorce actually filed or was that part of the "ongoing flux" as well?  He carefully dodged the divorce question and said I needed to listen to my heart and I seemed to be having second thoughts about this relationship (remember, I've never met the guy so there is no relationship at this point) and at that point I got really annoyed and said "My heart doesn't tell me anything at this point, you and I haven't even met so my heart isn't involved.  My head however, certainly has questions.  And it notices you didn't answer the one about the divorce....?"

As you can probably imagine, his next email said he was "pretty sure the paperwork would be completed in the next week or so" (c'mon, I've been divorced.  If you haven't signed papers and gotten a firm court date, you haven't even FILED.  I'm not an idiot!) and then....wait for it....

"You are interrogating me and that is not a good sign.  I don't think we're a good match.  Good luck."

I laughed my ass off.  Busted the guy out for lying about numerous things, and yet I'm the bad guy.  Dude, I had a cheating husband.  My bullshit radar is finely tuned.  It's all about the details for me and if your stories don't match up or there are big gaping holes in it, I'm gonna ask you about it.  If you're trying to date me, I have that right to be clear on what I'm getting myself into!

What is with these guys???  Ugh.  I am not happy with the selection of men out there.  So far what I've seen are too many guys with their lives a complete mess, and I don't want to pick up the pieces of the shit storm you've created in your own damn life.  



Golden To Silver Val said...

My daughter is just a few years younger than you and she says the men of her generation are the pits!!! She cannot seem to find one that works or that even WANTS to work! They are all very contented to let the little woman go off and bring home the bacon while they sit on their butts and play video games all day. She said in her subdivison there are a LOT of males who meet each other in the mornings with their coffee and sit on various front porches, smoking their joints (yes...she can smell it) while they watch their wives or girlfriends go off to work. Times....they are a'changin'!

Under the Influence said...

Maybe try a younger man? Grrrwwwllll.... (at least I think that's what a cougar sounds like).


The Retired One said...

Keep that radar were 1000% correct to suspect the dirtbag.....
I am so glad you called him on it and that you didn't get more involved with him before knowing he was playing dating-on-line roulette!

Danica said...

Ugh he sounds like a real winner. Why even bother lying? Wonder if he truly is even getting divorced? You and I know how that works....and clearly he doesn't.

I'll keep my radar up for you...there is someone out there. I believe it!

Bon said...

"My bullshit radar is finely tuned". LMAO!! I can so empathize with what you're going through right now. It gets old putting in a good amount of time on someone, via phone and/or email (and you have to do this in order to find someone 'worth' dating) for the end result to spell out Loser and we have to start all over again. I've been through it too – sometimes it's hilarious and others not so much. In any case, thank you for bringing the humor to the surface for us all to enjoy! Keep being you. :)

gayle said...

I agree with Val!! My daughter is living with a guy and has been for years.........finally graduated but doesn't have a job and from what I can tell is not even looking. She has been supporting him for years. She wants children but he doesn't. It's just so sad. My husband says not to say anything to her ......that she knows but I just don't know what to do. I don't really think she wants to even be with him but is afraid to be alone and that she won't find anyone so she is just living with him. On another note the girl that does my hair just found out that a guy she met on Match said he was divorced but has never been married. What is wrong with guys!!??

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Sorry you have to slog through so many swamps on your way to finding a good one! But it's great that your BS detector is working so well.

anne h said...

People online can be real douche- bags....
Some of them are unable to make and keep friends in real-life...
I asked one hottie chick "Hey - why hasn't someone just swooped you right up?"
Then I found out "why" for myself!
She's freaking unstable!
Maybe one too many lies, to cover some deep unresolved trauma or fear, eh?

ain't for city gals said...

Why do you think they are doing the computer dating can be whoever you want while you are hiding behind the advice would be to get out there in the real world...go to a rodeo..take up golf..go fishing..join a hiking club..there are lots of nice guys out there...try something different..

Jordan said...

I've been divorced for 10 years and seriously trying to find a partner (online and in the real world) for about 5 of them. Yes, there are fun things to do in the real world, but all I meet is other cool women looking for a man. I did a singles golf group, a photography class, etc, etc. Not a total waste of time, but no reasonable men!

In the last 2 years of online looking, I've met and dated a few OK folks, but SO many weirdos, and no MR right - yet! I wrote about it on my blog, here:

chele said...

See, this is why I don't want to start dating again. Too much BS to deal with. I just don't have the time.

jaded said...

Oh Julie! You've dodged quite the bullet with this winner. Why can't guys accept that women have a way with reading into b.s..


WonderMom said...

Sorry you're having to deal with this but I do get a laugh reading about your online experiences. Mine hasn't been quite as bad but not a whole lot better. Last night I met a fireman I've been talking to online and I'm 10 feet off the ground today. Here's hoping there are a couple of "real" guys out there who know what to do with a good hearted woman!

pilgrimchick said...

I'm sorry it turned out this way--I can't tell you how many guys I met and went out with online who were clearly NOT ready to start a relationship. I think that most of them feel they need a relationship in their lives, but they don't realize that certain parts of their lives are not in order to support one.

Anonymous said...

I liked how he changed the topic from things HE was saying to it being about you.

Fragrant Liar said...

Girl, it's a good thing your radar is catching the bogey blips of bullshit. I HATE internet dating. You always have to be wary of what people are saying and WHY they're saying it. Yeesh.

You're right. Next!

Annah said...

Okay, I seriously seldomly do this but when I read this, I remembered this post of mine. It's a scary world out there.