Thursday, May 6, 2010

A Survival Guide for Pooping at Work

I couldn't help myself, I had to post this. I try not to engage in too much gross humor on my blog but this one just begged for attention! We've all been there....

A Survival Guide for Pooping at Work

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office, so the smell isn't in your area. Everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be extremely careful when you do this. Don't stop until the full fart has been fully expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the entire smell has left your pants/panty area.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it didn't happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you didn't hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, don't panic! Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it's best to pretend that the smell doesn't exist. This can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper and/or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK: (P.F.N.) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS,and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you'll avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap, that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you're occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.


jennifermcbride said...

Thanks for a great laugh! Well, it would have been great if it hadn't sounded like so much sobbing (my daughter is in the bed next to me and I was trying desperately to keep her asleep). I'm generally a throw-my-head-back-and-laugh-embarrassingly-loudly person and believe me, when I re-read this all tomorrow, it'll be just like that.

Thanks again for your great humor!!!! -- JM

Under the Influence said...

This is hilarious! I was often a FLY BY looking for a SAFE HAVEN in my college dorm (I used to actually go to a different floor if my floor bathroom had someone in it. One time I had to "fake" that I accidentally got off the elevator on the wrong floor and didn't realize it until I saw someone I knew in the bathroom.). I also did this at work - we only had one womens bathroom with a few toilets and then we had a solo toilet at the front of the building for guests. Since I was often greeting guests and conducting interviews and meetings at the front of the building, I don't think anyone noticed I would sneak into that bathroom. No one noticed, right? It's ok, I didn't notice our president using it, either.

AirmanMom said...

and a Happy Thursday to you too :)

Allison said...

ROFL!!!! I found myself laughing so hard and nodding with so many of these. Hilarious! Thanks, Julie!

Ace said...

LMAO! So many new words for my vocabulary. I'm just going to be looking for an opportunity to use "turd burglar."

Danica said...

OMG I can't tell you how many times I've tried to walk into a stall that was occupied!! LOL

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

This survival guide is killing me! lol

pilgrimchick said...

That was great--the picture completely drew me in.

Donna B said...

Hahhhahaaa....this is along the same lines as one I have. It is pretty graphic, but hysterical. At least I think it is hysterical. I have a totally warped sense of humor...maybe I will post it one day...I have a three favorites....I loved this post!!!

Trish said...

I love this!! I have laughed so hard I cried and co-workers joind in and tried to figure out who is the TURD BURGLAR of the office!! Love it!!

gayle said...

That's why I always use the kids bathroom at school. Then I can blame everything on them! This post is so funny as well as true!!

sandy said...

OMG......I thought I invented the "poop bathroom" at work...didn't know others called it that funny!!!!!!!!