Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Orange you glad you missed this?

Well, I spray tanned last week.

:::shudder::::

It wasn't pretty.

Here I am, in all my orange glory. Spotty, blotchy orange glory, mind you.

I was two sequins away from being ready for Dancing with the Stars.

(PS. I look really fat in this top, it's one from before I lost weight so there's lots of leftover fabric. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oh, and note to self, green and orange only go together if you're the Irish flag)

(PSS. Seriously, dude. The blonde hair has to go. I suspected it wasn't a good look for me, but seeing this picture confirmed it. I have no Blonde Ambition. I do not belong in the Blondtourage. With this white hair and orange skin, I look like a freaking Creamsicle)

I don't get it. The dancers always look fantastic on DWTS! And think about it, all the celebrities on the red carpet....fantastic tans.

Kelly Ripa looks damn amazing every freaking morning on Regis and Kelly with her spray tan. (Of course, next to Reege, I'd look pretty damn good myself. Can. Not. Stand. That. Guy. He is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.)

So why not me?

Is it true that hormones can have an affect on the end result? I did everything I was supposed to do...exfoliated the hell out of myself before I went, showered so there was no perfumes, lotions, deodorant, or make up on me that could interfere with the darkening process. Didn't shower for 8 hours afterwards.

(Note to anyone spray tanning....don't sleep on white sheets until after you shower. My bed looked like a crime scene the next morning.)

I'm like a human Cheeto.

Spray tanning is clearly not the answer to my Bronzed Goddess plans.

But wait...it gets better. You should see it NOW. It's come off in blotches. It's like watching a bad paint job peel. Half a foot is tan, the other half isn't. Half an ankle looks dirty. My calf is brown but there are drip marks going down the side of my leg.

I look like a melting Creamsicle.


Myrtle Booth, here I come.

23 comments:

Coffeypot said...

You still look hot now matter what color you are. But an Orange Julius did come to mind.

"Seattle" Heather said...

Julie that is terrible! You know I am pretty fair skinned and its very hard for me to get a tan. But every now and again I like to fake it. So this is the product that I turn to.
http://www.sttropeztan.com/
I have used these products for the last six years and I love it! It does not turn you orange at all. I like how it foams on and you can put it on evenly. I recommend buying the scrub cleanser remover. That way you can get it off your hands after you've applied or if you over done an area. The tan looks natural. Check it out! I'm sorry. And about the blonde, at least you can say you tried it. Experiment, try something else...Try a rich brown? I'm jonesing for a new hair style myself! Good luck!

AirmanMom said...

Just wanted to stop by to say hi...have no words to help with this one, friend! I'm an Irish girl who has never known what it's like to be tanned. Good luck!
~AM

Bon said...

I still think you look amazing Julie. Your story made my morning, though – I'm still laughing over here. Hopefully it all evens out soon for ya!

Danica said...

HA! Now you're scaring me since I'm having it done next week.

I did a massage tan once and it turned out amazing!!!! Maybe I need to go back to that? HA

LeeAnn said...

Oh my! I've never been the spray tan route. Hopefully yours will even out soon.

sexnfries said...

That is very scary and good to note.

btw we stole stuff

Tiffany said...

I need to see more pictures before I make up my mind. Preferably spotchy, drip down legs pics. I'm not trying to make you post embarrassing pics, I'm trying to do research. I would never laugh at you.

ha

NEVER

P.S. It ain't that fucking bad in the pic. So quit your bitching. You're starting to sound like Deb.

Helen said...

So funny reading your spray tan saga ... I had one six or seven years ago and knew then I would never repeat the process. Kind of like yours it was.

On a positive ~~ I can totally tell from the line of your jeans that there is a slim you under the lime green tent. Good work!

♥Georgie♥ said...

Julie you look FanFREAKINGtastic!!!! love those jeans and sandels
I am beyond jealous you are going to MB to see deb

Southern Sage said...

LOL
live and learn I reckon!

Kitty Moore said...

I've been considering a spray tan but I don't think I'll bother now! And I think blonde hair suits you (the orange skin - not so much!)

Menopausal New Mom said...

OMG, the spray tan. I would be so afraid of ending up looking like a pumpkin!

This reminds me of a post that was done on the blog Here's What I Think a few months ago, her first and last experience in a spray tan booth. It was hilarious!!

Putz said...

i think you look hot also.i a man, but am harmless, so don't worry, lovely smile and good teeth>>not tallking about a horse, but you do llok good

Under the Influence said...

Oops. Chalk it up to "live and learn."

If I had not torn up all my pictures, I would e-mail you one of when I bleached my hair platinum blonde. It took a thousand times to get it all bleached and I had burns from the dye all over my head. It was awful and I colored over it within a couple of weeks - I had to wait for the burns to heal. My hair was so fried I had to practically shave it off. Lovely. I chalked it up to "live and learn."

Christiejolu said...

I am very fair Irish skinned too. So I don't sit in the sun EVER! LOL! I just burn and peel and I am white again. So I just decided to embrace my paleness.

Honestly I don't think the tan looks bad in the picture at all.

bj said...

O, Julie..you just crack me up.
I did this a couple years ago and it was so yellow/orange, it looked like baby poo....
I did learn that you just put a LITTLE on one day, a little on the next ...until you get it where you want it. also...with ME..the spray was NOT a good thing..the rub on like lotion works better for me.AND..of course the brand you use can make a difference, I think.
The one that works the best for moi is that BAINE SORELL or something like that...:))

Thanks for reminding me of this...I want to look all tan and healthy (at 72, that is NOT an easy task) for our Alaskan cruise next month so I better get started. If I turn ORANGE, you'll hear me screaming all the way from West Texas..
hugs, bj

gayle said...

I have wanted one but now I know I will never try it. Last year I used the cream and I couldn't get that to go on right. A friend is using the foam and it looks great so I may try that!

Vegas Linda Lou said...

You look fabulous! And I can't wait to see you in person. Don't worry about getting a tan; I've decided I'm going to embrace my whiteness.

Kelly Ripa's on my celebrity girl crush list. She's no Beverly D'Angelo, but she's awfully cute!

Soxy Deb said...

Myrtle Booth is me right? It better be me! It is, right?????

Are we still shooting for August?

Soxy Deb said...

And eff you Tiff! I haven't complained on like forever!!


*i didn't want to cuss on Jules blog so i said EFF you*

ModernMom said...

First, I still love the blonde hair!
Second, I actually have girlfriends who have had great spray tans...BUT you have to go to the right place!
Sorry you're a Cheeto! LOL

jaded said...

Oh you are so harsh on yourself! I just took a look and thought you looked great.
ok - perhaps a tad orange - but only a tad and all around hot!
Your swimming in that top...it's all good.