Monday, May 10, 2010

No real change to report.

Just a quick check in to say, nothing new to report.

Mom is still in ICU although she's in a step-down unit now. She's still bleeding from somewhere but they cannot determine where. We give her blood and her levels go up, and then they go back down. On Friday, her kidneys had shut down and she was running a fever, but they are working better now and the fever is gone. Saturday was a good day, she appeared to be stable, no blood loss, levels were around 10 where they should be and we felt maybe we'd turned a corner and were headed in the right direction.

Sunday morning brought news that her blood level was 7.9, the lowest it's been. Seems we turned back around that corner and took a major leap in the wrong direction.

Last night after giving her 2 pints of blood she was back up to 11.1, but then this morning she was back down to 10. So clearly all we keep doing is topping off her tank and then she runs out of gas again.

It's been a roller coaster to say the least.

I don't know where we go from here. All I know is that the feeling of dread follows me everywhere. My stomach is one big knot. I actually had the start of an anxiety attack in the grocery store yesterday, and was doing Lamaze breathing in the frozen foods trying to calm myself down.

Oh, and I'm supposed to be leaving for Vegas on Sunday. Maybe. That of course, depends on what the situation is then.

The doctors anticipate sending her back to the nursing home as soon as her blood stabilizes, but will not do so until then. They say the nursing home can do the same blood tests they are doing and monitor the levels as well. I don't feel as confident about her being there as I do in the hospital, even though they've taken very good care of her so far....still, the hospital provides a dedicated nurse to her, where in the nursing home they are already short handed.

I don't know.

Part of me wants her to get better, the selfish part that isn't ready to let go of my Mom. Another part of me wants her to just let go, because she has little quality of life as it is. She sleeps 20 hours out of 24 a day, she's basically up for meals and that's it. It's become very difficult to take her out for holidays and things because she can barely stand, so getting her in and out of a car is very difficult.

I would not want to live that way. And I know that she doesn't either. Because it isn't "living". It's existing.

I want what is best for her. Stop this back and forth shit, let's figure out what's bleeding and IF it can be fixed with minor repair. If it can't then we know what our options are.

I. Just. Want. To. Know.

This limbo is killing me.

20 comments:

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Yesterday as I sat on the swing with my 75-year-old mother in her backyard, I kept thinking, "Please keep her healthy, please keep her healthy." But the reality of life is, there are seasons we all will pass through, God willing. Some people make it only till springtime, some leave in the summer. How lucky we are if we live to see winter. We just pray it won't be harsh.

Love you, Jules. Sending hugs your way. XOXO

Anonymous said...

I know it's hard to let go. My Grandma was 98 when she finally slept for good. At the end, she couldn't walk on her own, slept all the time and didn't even know who we were. Sometimes it's just better to just let them go and remember all the good things. As my son said, "It's great grandma's time to rest."

STILLMAGNOLIA said...

My prayers are with you both. It is hard to let go. Frank told me when my dad was so ill that I had to tell him it was ok to go...it took me two weeks to do that...and 48 hours later he was gone.

Ace said...

Such difficult times. My thoughts are with you, Julie and I'll continue praying for all of you.

By the way, I just gave you an award...stop by my blog any time to pick it up. It'll be the May 10 post whenever you get around to it. Lots of more important stuff right now.

Take care of yourself.

Southern Sage said...

I have a similar story to Still.

Cept my dad was about 45 minutes later.

Good luck and good JuJu to you.

lani said...

You are both in my prayers

Coffeypot said...

It is a tough time battling heart over mind. When it's her time she will go. You will hurt, but you know it will have been for the best. Quality of like is so important to all of us. I have a DNR on my living will. I just hope, after all my post, that I don't have a Democrat for a doctor.

My Aimless Infatuation said...

I wish there were words to help you through this but I don't have them. Try to stay calm and know you and your Mom are in my thought's and prayers.((hugs)).

Tana said...

As we all read your posts, we try very hard to think of what to say that might bring you some comfort. Hugs, love and prayer is really all we can do. We understand your fear, confusion of decieding what the next step should be, and getting lost in the memories of the past. No one can tell you what need to be done. If your mother expressed any wishes, make sure you are following them. Tell her that you will miss her, that you will be fine, but if she wants to really go, then go in peace. Give her a kiss. Hold her hand and sit quietly...Watch closely and you will get to see another part of the mircle of life...

LeeAnn said...

I wish there was something I could do to help. I've been here and I know how hard it is. My heart goes out to you and your sisters. If there is anything I can do - I am just across town and you have my number - so please don't hesitate. Thoughts and prayers to you all!!

Danica said...

Love you lots. As you well know I was at that very place with my mom. Countless hours were spent at the hospital watching her be transfused only to see her the next day and watch her levels drop. My thoughts and prayers are with her and your entire family. I know it's difficult....the limbo. I remember the relief that came when my mom passed because I knew she didn't want to live that way and she wasn't hurting anymore, as hard as it was for us to let her go.

If I can do anything...I'm here.

Fragrant Liar said...

Coupla weeks I'm gone, and all hell breaks loose. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I can't imagine how painful and stressful it must be to watch her go through all that craziness. So I'm sending the biggest hugs I can through the cybersphere, to both of you, in hopes this is all resolved quickly and painlessly, no matter the outcome.

Kimber

dana said...

I have a DNR in my Living Will. It's not that I WANT to die, but it happens. Joe and I also set up an "instant cremation" clause for both of us with NO funeral. We all have our moment in the sun where life's good times are concerned and they don't last very long considering that the "end time" seems to drag on forever. But once it's over, there's no "redo". Gone is FOREVER. When the time comes, you will feel like your spine has been ripped out of your soul and the suffering is long and deep. There is NO getting around it, only THROUGH it, and you have a safety net waiting for you at our house if you ever need one.

The Retired One said...

So sorry you are going through this Julie....

nancygrayce said...

I could have written this....my mother is 86 and is completely immobile. She just sits all day in her recliner. The only real joy is when we go and read to her. She has been my best friend for so long...I hate to lose her but I hate seeing her like this...so know you're surrounded by people in like situations.

Velveteen Rabbit said...

My parents too are approaching this stage in their lives....
I know exactly how you feel Jules x part of me just wants them gone, so I can remember them as my parents and not what they have become....
I know in my heart Dad would switch it all off if he could :(

Thinking of you x x x

Anonymous said...

been there done that! still sorry you are going through this!! wish I could be there for you, but sending prayers for peace for both of you!!

love
Jill in NY

NV said...

Sorry you are going through this. Can't even begin to imagine it. Thoughts and prayers.

jaded said...

You have been very brave through out all this - i just want you to know that. I understand completely wanting her to stay and also being accepting and 'welcoming' of her leaving.
I so get it. Now THAT'S love.

Hugs.

Keeping Up With Kaegan said...

No words can make the pain better. Just please take care of yourself through this. Thoughts and Prayers go out to you and your family.