Just a quick check in to say, nothing new to report.
Mom is still in ICU although she's in a step-down unit now. She's still bleeding from somewhere but they cannot determine where. We give her blood and her levels go up, and then they go back down. On Friday, her kidneys had shut down and she was running a fever, but they are working better now and the fever is gone. Saturday was a good day, she appeared to be stable, no blood loss, levels were around 10 where they should be and we felt maybe we'd turned a corner and were headed in the right direction.
Sunday morning brought news that her blood level was 7.9, the lowest it's been. Seems we turned back around that corner and took a major leap in the wrong direction.
Last night after giving her 2 pints of blood she was back up to 11.1, but then this morning she was back down to 10. So clearly all we keep doing is topping off her tank and then she runs out of gas again.
It's been a roller coaster to say the least.
I don't know where we go from here. All I know is that the feeling of dread follows me everywhere. My stomach is one big knot. I actually had the start of an anxiety attack in the grocery store yesterday, and was doing Lamaze breathing in the frozen foods trying to calm myself down.
Oh, and I'm supposed to be leaving for Vegas on Sunday. Maybe. That of course, depends on what the situation is then.
The doctors anticipate sending her back to the nursing home as soon as her blood stabilizes, but will not do so until then. They say the nursing home can do the same blood tests they are doing and monitor the levels as well. I don't feel as confident about her being there as I do in the hospital, even though they've taken very good care of her so far....still, the hospital provides a dedicated nurse to her, where in the nursing home they are already short handed.
I don't know.
Part of me wants her to get better, the selfish part that isn't ready to let go of my Mom. Another part of me wants her to just let go, because she has little quality of life as it is. She sleeps 20 hours out of 24 a day, she's basically up for meals and that's it. It's become very difficult to take her out for holidays and things because she can barely stand, so getting her in and out of a car is very difficult.
I would not want to live that way. And I know that she doesn't either. Because it isn't "living". It's existing.
I want what is best for her. Stop this back and forth shit, let's figure out what's bleeding and IF it can be fixed with minor repair. If it can't then we know what our options are.
I. Just. Want. To. Know.
This limbo is killing me.