Monday, April 19, 2010

My Saturday Night Date

OK, this is technically an old story, and I've referred to it several times here when talking about the quality of fish in the dating pool.

But today I found an old email where I relayed this story to my boss when it happened, and it made me laugh so I thought I'd share it with you guys.

This was in May 2006, 8 months after my divorce and my first foray back into the dating world. God help me.

So I went out to dinner with Marc on Saturday night. He's the guy I was supposed to go out with Thursday...the dude who said he brought me Chanel perfume from Paris????

This one will kill you.  Don your crash helmet.

So something tells me that I really don't want to go out with him, call it intuition or whatever. So I make sure he knows that this is going to be a quick dinner at PF Changs and that's it.

I get there, walk up and there he stands. He's 50...looks 65, has man boobs and old breath! Oy vey. It is clear that the pictures he has on his dating profile were taking a loooooooooooooooong time ago, and that NFL linebacker's body he has? Uh yeah, if the linebacker is a Mack truck. A very overweight truck.

Look, I'm not Twiggy, but at least I post accurate pictures of myself. This guy was the equivalent of pretending to be George Clooney and showing up as Chris Farley.

Anyway, we go into the restaurant, and we get seated. He takes his coat off...and he's wearing suspenders. Now I know it's going to be a very long dinner...

Proceeds to spend the next hour and a half telling me how beautiful I am (which is nice to hear but when it comes out of a dude's mouth literally every other sentence and you spend an hour saying nothing but "Oh, thank you." "Thanks, that's nice" "Oh, thanks" because he's overdosing you with the compliments, it's not all that fun, trust me!)

He tells me he rarely drinks, and then proceeds to drink 4 double Grey Goose Vodka's on the rocks. Evidently "rarely drinks" = rarely leaves any in the bottle.

So after explaining everything on the menu to me as though I was incapable of reading it, he orders more food than 4 people could eat, let alone two. I had one of the 4 spring roll appetizers, one of the 4 dumpling appetizers, and about two of my vegetarian lettuce wraps (the entree makes about 6)...and he ate his entree, all the rest of the appetizers, AND finished off mine!

And for the coup de grace....he starts telling me how his 2nd marriage ended because she had an affair with their best friend (they had another couple as best friends and his wife and the other husband hooked up), meanwhile he was living in Amsterdam and owned a coffee shop, so the guy she had the affair with comes over and wants to buy a big quantity of hash which Marc would not sell him. So the guy buys it elsewhere, gets busted trying to get it back into the States, implicates Marc as the ringleader and Marc's wife corroborates the story....and Marc ends up serving 2 years in a federal prison here for conspiracy to import!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes folks, I had dinner with a felon. And he did not even bring the perfume.

At this point, I'm sitting at the table feeling as though I might be on the show "Punk'd" and am looking around the restaurant for Ashton Kutcher!

Then, Marc orders dessert in an effort to drag the date out as long as possible. Of course, he ate it all other than the 1 bite he insisted I take. At this point, I had no appetite anyway!

He starts asking me about the "Ex", and in an effort to try and look as undesirable as I can, I tell him I am still in love with my husband and we still see each other and now I have serious trust issues with any man and really need to NOT date for awhile...

Didn't phase him.

Now he's saying all this crap about how incredible I am (Oh, thank you...), how he wants to get to know me better (Oh God HELP), how we can travel together and he will be 100% accountable to me so I don't ever have to worry about being cheated on again....and then he leans over the table and says "If we weren't in a restaurant, I would be kissing you so deeply right now..."

Check please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once outside, he insisted on walking me to my car, and I insisted that he not. He tried to kiss me goodbye and I did a quick head turn and it landed on my ear, and then you have never seen a girl run so fast in high heels in your life. I'm like running away from him to get to my car and he's running behind me saying "When can I see you again????"

Oh dear Lord. I do not belong in the dating pool!

There are reasons why I have given up swimming, kids.


Bombshell BLISS said...

I swear I think I dated him although I think I ended the date by saying, "Does any of that crap ever work for you?", very sad.

Lickety Splitter said...

Thank God you made it out alive. I have met some very questionable men myself after the love of my life left me for "God." I don't think God had a hand in that, but if he did, well, I will trust he had my well-being in mind as well, and will EVENTUALLY send someone whom I will give the time of day and maybe {GASP} just maybe, my hand in marriage. But, let's not hold our breaths waiting for the good ones, let's instead hold our breaths trying to avoid those "bad breath-ed" men.

Ace said... poor, poor thing! I feel like going and taking a shower after just hearing about the date.

Michelle Scarafile said...

That was just hysterical. I was laughing out loud. Great story. Thanks for sharing. Yes, it's amazing what we gals can do in heels if need be.

Robynbeth said...

Funny as hell, but this is the reason why I break out in hives at the thought of dating. When I was seventeen, I thought dating would be a phase, not a life long adventure. Boy, I was naive.

Sue said...

I loved this story the first time around too.

This line:
If we weren't in a restaurant, I would be kissing you so deeply right now...

Seriously makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I mean, what on earth makes a man think that this line is at all appropriate on a first date? Even if you were into him, it's such a turn off when any man thinks he's such hot shit that you would just jump at this opprotunity. Such egos. BLECH!!!!

Christiejolu said...

LMAO! I hate dates like that!

Danica said...

I've always loved this story! LMAO

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Aaarrrggghhh. I can see how you would want to quit swimming in the dating pool after that!

dana said...

Well, since that post was from "long ago" I think it's time you went out again....maybe he has a brother?

Under the Influence said...

So this is what it's like out there? I hope I never have to venture out there (mainly because that means something awful has happened in my home/marriage, but also because it sure looks like slim pickins!). If I do, I'm calling you for all the tips - or at the very least, to tell the funny stories to.

travel girl said...

So, I was thinking today that I needed a good laugh.
I just got it!!

Missed reading you for sure:)

Dr. Penny said...

I remember that one.....LOLOLOLOL!

Jeff said...

I think that I will do my best to remain married that way i will not have to worry about looking for pictures that showed what i looked like 15 years ago.

That is so funny...not on your part...but on his part...maybe we could enter him as a possibility for Very Extreme Makeovers

alice said...

I just love reading your dating stories... makes me realize I'm not completely alone out there. I'm going on a date this weekend, and I have that same "why am I doing this? I can already tell it's not going to be worth it!" feeling.

Hopefully I make it out in one piece. :)

gayle said...

omg that is so funny!!!!