But today I found an old email where I relayed this story to my boss when it happened, and it made me laugh so I thought I'd share it with you guys.
This was in May 2006, 8 months after my divorce and my first foray back into the dating world. God help me.
So I went out to dinner with Marc on Saturday night. He's the guy I was supposed to go out with Thursday...the dude who said he brought me Chanel perfume from Paris????
This one will kill you. Don your crash helmet.
So something tells me that I really don't want to go out with him, call it intuition or whatever. So I make sure he knows that this is going to be a quick dinner at PF Changs and that's it.
I get there, walk up and there he stands. He's 50...looks 65, has man boobs and old breath! Oy vey. It is clear that the pictures he has on his dating profile were taking a loooooooooooooooong time ago, and that NFL linebacker's body he has? Uh yeah, if the linebacker is a Mack truck. A very overweight truck.
Look, I'm not Twiggy, but at least I post accurate pictures of myself. This guy was the equivalent of pretending to be George Clooney and showing up as Chris Farley.
Anyway, we go into the restaurant, and we get seated. He takes his coat off...and he's wearing suspenders. Now I know it's going to be a very long dinner...
Proceeds to spend the next hour and a half telling me how beautiful I am (which is nice to hear but when it comes out of a dude's mouth literally every other sentence and you spend an hour saying nothing but "Oh, thank you." "Thanks, that's nice" "Oh, thanks" because he's overdosing you with the compliments, it's not all that fun, trust me!)
He tells me he rarely drinks, and then proceeds to drink 4 double Grey Goose Vodka's on the rocks. Evidently "rarely drinks" = rarely leaves any in the bottle.
So after explaining everything on the menu to me as though I was incapable of reading it, he orders more food than 4 people could eat, let alone two. I had one of the 4 spring roll appetizers, one of the 4 dumpling appetizers, and about two of my vegetarian lettuce wraps (the entree makes about 6)...and he ate his entree, all the rest of the appetizers, AND finished off mine!
And for the coup de grace....he starts telling me how his 2nd marriage ended because she had an affair with their best friend (they had another couple as best friends and his wife and the other husband hooked up), meanwhile he was living in Amsterdam and owned a coffee shop, so the guy she had the affair with comes over and wants to buy a big quantity of hash which Marc would not sell him. So the guy buys it elsewhere, gets busted trying to get it back into the States, implicates Marc as the ringleader and Marc's wife corroborates the story....and Marc ends up serving 2 years in a federal prison here for conspiracy to import!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes folks, I had dinner with a felon. And he did not even bring the perfume.
At this point, I'm sitting at the table feeling as though I might be on the show "Punk'd" and am looking around the restaurant for Ashton Kutcher!
Then, Marc orders dessert in an effort to drag the date out as long as possible. Of course, he ate it all other than the 1 bite he insisted I take. At this point, I had no appetite anyway!
He starts asking me about the "Ex", and in an effort to try and look as undesirable as I can, I tell him I am still in love with my husband and we still see each other and now I have serious trust issues with any man and really need to NOT date for awhile...
Didn't phase him.
Now he's saying all this crap about how incredible I am (Oh, thank you...), how he wants to get to know me better (Oh God HELP), how we can travel together and he will be 100% accountable to me so I don't ever have to worry about being cheated on again....and then he leans over the table and says "If we weren't in a restaurant, I would be kissing you so deeply right now..."
Once outside, he insisted on walking me to my car, and I insisted that he not. He tried to kiss me goodbye and I did a quick head turn and it landed on my ear, and then you have never seen a girl run so fast in high heels in your life. I'm like running away from him to get to my car and he's running behind me saying "When can I see you again????"
Oh dear Lord. I do not belong in the dating pool!
There are reasons why I have given up swimming, kids.