Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Haven't had any of these for awhile....

From my favorite website, Texts From Last Night

(816): They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze

(925): While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

(732): i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

(832): The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

(760): You did not just play the dead husband card again.

(215): How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?

(201): I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.

(614): When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

(310): based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

(610): At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
(856): Right after we had the just friends talk..

(760): so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

(610): Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic or senior citizen of the year?
(1-610): I'm so glad i pay social security

(951): So I just googled the ten commandments... We’re fucked.

(641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

(678): How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?

(417): My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

(714): Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

(727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camouflage to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

(714): I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.

(703): just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.

(336): I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead

(484): I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar

And my personal favorite....

(518): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Oh Canada! LOL

16 comments:

Liz said...

Thanks for the laugh! I think Oh Canada was my favorite, too!

Tara said...

I love texts from last night!! Also in my daily rotation is fmylife.com which is hilarious!!

Southern Sage said...

LOL
those were great!

Julie said...

I love TFLN! My favorite ever is:

(310): So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

I even have the app on my phone so I can check it periodically at work throughout the day... :)

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Those are hysterical! lol

Secretia said...

Julie these are great, really!
I am guilty of wondering what was on television, and what snacks were in the kitchen during our lovemaking (will you hurry up and finish!)

Secretia

Violet said...

Ummmm... I'm thinking 310 was a small disappointment, not a huge one.

sheila said...

LOL, those are great!

Caution Flag said...

That website must be great! I need to check it out. Then again, it would be a lot easier to just read your synopsis :)

Anna said...

Stumbled in here via Chrissy... Love your blog! This list made me chuckle, and I love the Marilyn Monroe quote on your sidebar, I may have to steal it!

Anna
x

The Retired One said...

I always LOVE these!

Toni said...

I came in to work this morning in the worst mood. I sat down and started reading this list and laughed out-loud! Thanks for putting a smile where there wasn't one before. I needed that!

Cher' Shots said...

I've just become a "follower." Thanks for the morning giggles ~ ok,ok ~ so I a actually laughed out loud at some!!!

dana said...

Better than being called Kentucky.......you know.....the Kentucky Derby? The fastest three minutes of fun? Get it? Three minutes? Awwww nuts.

Tana said...

I came across your site a few months ago and now check it daily. I, too, am starting life over, but at age 53. Divorced after 20+ years and am much better off - mentally, emotionally and phsyically. He was verbal and emotionally abusive. Enough said... You have a good sense of humor (much appreicated) and always bring a laugh.

Anonymous said...

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looking forward to find out more and more of your current content, have a good day ;)