Friday, February 26, 2010

New rules for cussing at work



Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking bitch.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your fucking ass.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.


Thank You,
Human Resources

20 comments:

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Hahahaha. Before I became "blissed out," I could have used some of this advice.

Homesick Cajun said...

Ha...I could use a couple of these!

Southern Sage said...

bwhahahahahahaha
those are excellent right there!

Danica said...

ah...and I can't wait to go back to work!

♥Georgie♥ said...

LOL...love it!!!!

Becky the Design Lady said...

These are excellent.
I have a friend who needs them RIGHT NOW!
I'll send her a link to your post.

Linda Medrano said...

I can work with this!

Tara said...

Love those, though I'm partial to using the F word whenever I can... I keep a pin that says "I suppose saying F%&K YOU would be unprofessional" taped in my cubicle where only I can see it, just because it makes me smile :)

Fragrant Liar said...

ROFLMAO. HI-larious.

Secretia said...

I live this thing you wrote!

It is surprisingly good, or I should say "unfuckinreal!"

Thanks, Secretia

Lynette said...

Love the list I may have to find a discreet place to put it at work to help me make it through the day.

Toni said...

I sure do love that "F" word myself. It just sounds good and fits so many different situations. Although I respect the effort put forth in these new rules for cussing...I must say, "Fuck that, I'll say it like I always have" and I mean that in the nicest way possible :)
Awesome post! I really needed to laugh today!

f8hasit said...

I'd get a pink slip for sure...
I'm guilty of close to every one of these. Human Resources can just kiss my...number 13.
:-)

Christiejolu said...

Love it! I am going to have to remember these!

Chris said...

I think my problem at work has been using the "Try This" statements. Maybe I should try the others!

gayle said...

I think these all the time which is why I have to want to retire!! These are so funny!!

sheila said...

LOL, this is awesome! ha ha!

The Retired One said...

Oh yeah!! Loved these!

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

LMAO I'm totally borrowing these!! Well, I'll borrow them if I ever get a job, hee hee

anne h said...

I love this!
My boss would love it too!