Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I'm not a doctor but I play one in Blogland.

It's time for a little friendly Q & A regarding our health in 2010 from Dr. Chinese Guy.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste it on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream even better – everything cow eats in one convenient package!

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take water out of the fruity stuff so you get even more goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. All people who don’t drink unhappy – happy people live longer so drink more. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street than lying on couch. My philosophy is:   No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: What about food additives?
A: You want to complain about something for free? If it added – must be better – like fuel additive!

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whales to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Apryl said...

I freakin love this.


Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Hah! Speaking English, eh? I wondered what it was....

Becky the Sign Lady said...

That's it!
othing-nay ut-bay ig-pay atin-lay om-fray ow-nay on-lay!

dana said...

All this wisdom from a woman who has lost a ton of weight and wants to start walking.

Either you don't read your own blog or you doubt the wisdom of an oriental. You're PREJUDICED!

Now where the hell's my Butterfinger bar.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I'm going to really buckle down and follow the good doctor's advice. Live life to it's fullest!

Christiejolu said...

This is great advice! I think I want this guy to be my Primary!

gayle said...

He's my new Doc!!! Thanks for the laugh!!

Bagman and Butler said...

Mucho gracias.

Danica said...

LMAO!!!! Love it.

Joanie M said...

I love your doctor!!!

The Retired One said...

I got this in an email a few months ago..and found it funny then too.

Secretia said...

I needan appointment woth that doctor!