Friday, October 30, 2009

Happy Halloween and some other crap


Happy Halloween from the Wicked Witch of Ohio.

Thursday started out great. I went to the Crimestoppers annual breakfast award function with my ex. He is a previous Citizen of the Year winner for his role in nabbing a grandfather who kidnapped his four grandkids during an Amber Alert in 2004, back when we were still happily married. The keynote speaker was Chris Hansen from Dateline. Jordan and I love, love, love his series on "To Catch A Predator" so I really enjoyed his speech.

Got into work around 10am and started what I thought would be a pretty typical, busy day.

Around 11am, I started feeling bad.

Really bad.

Broke out into that cold sweat where you are all clammy and feeling odd, which followed quickly with rumbling stomach, and that mouth watering thing that happens when you know you are about to start throwing up. Three trips to the bathroom gagging later, I decided I needed to go home. I felt so bad, I can't even tell you.

So I leave work.

By the time I get to my car (swallowing a lot on the way to the parking lot in hopes I wasn't going to hurl in the middle of State Street), I hear the little voice mail notification from my phone. I sat in the car and listened to a voice mail from my sister, who was crying and saying I needed to call her back right away as something was wrong with my mom and the nursing home had called 911 and she was being rushed to the hospital.

Really? NOW? :::hurl:::: FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I drove off and started crying because I felt so horrible and I just needed to go home, and yet there was no way I could NOT go to the hospital. I had no idea what was wrong with Mom other than she wasn't being responsive.

So I stopped by home, put on some comfy clothes, chugged down some Alka Selzer, prayed to the porcelain God for a few minutes, and head to the ER. I figured....what better place for me to be sick than at a hospital, right?

Long story short, they admitted Mom. The good news is that the CAT scan was okay so she wasn't having any brain issues. She's been fighting a bad UTI for six weeks now, and it appears she has two different infections in her urine. She's pretty sick. We finally got her into a room around 6pm and she's got an IV to try and rehydrate her plus she's getting antibiotics through it.

She'll be there a couple of days or more, and hopefully they can get her turned around. They put her on the floor that is mostly palliative care and hospice so she has a private room which is nice for us because my sisters and I will always have at least one of us there at all times.

So yeah, not the best day I've ever had. By the time I got home, I was feeling better....stopped hurling around 3pm but still felt overall yucky. Fortunately I'm off today, so I'm getting a slow start this morning as I'm still kind of queasy (sort of like morning sickness!) but I'm headed to the hospital soon.

Hope you all have a bewitching Halloween, and don't eat too much candy corn. See you Monday.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Ahahahahahahaa...now *that's* funny.

My entertaining roommate son updated his blog with a very funny post. I see some stand up in his future if the whole IT thing at UC doesn't work out!

Click here
and check him out. And leave him some comment love, will ya? The dude's on a roll this week...he's hit his goal weight of 175 lbs (83 lb weight loss! I have my own Biggest Loser thing going on at home! He looks so damn amazing I can't even tell you), he's doing great in college (100% on an English test? Who are you and what have you done with Jordan?) and now he's evidently writing funnier blogs than his momma.

More fun shit to ponder

You know I always love a good ponder. Got these in an email a few weeks ago and have been saving them for brain cramp day. Tada! Today's the day I have nothing better to blog about!!!!

Enjoy!

• A day without sunshine is like night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• Remember, half the people you know are below average.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
• Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
• Speed of Light? OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
• Change is inevitable, except from vending machines
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?


Monday, October 26, 2009

This kind of crap would happen to me.

OMG, this is hilarious. Fair warning, keep the sound down if you're at work!



Friday, October 23, 2009

There is something seriously wrong with me


Ok so do you watch Survivor? If you know me, you know I'm a reality showholic, and I've never missed a season of this show in particular.

So this season, there is a guy on the show named Russell.

He's an asshole.

And yet, I find him attractive.

I know, right?  Those of you who watch are now screaming at your computer screen saying "Dear God, help this woman because she has clearly lost her frickin mind".

The dude is like 5'6" (I'm 5'9), he's built like a fire plug, sorta like Barney Rubble without the blonde hair.   I never *ever* have been attracted to men shorter than me.  The last thing I ever want to do is find myself looking down to kiss a man. 

And seriously, he is truly a dick.  It's ridiculous.  What a controlling ass.

And yet....I've got chick wood for him.

I think it's the Southern accent.  I've always had a thing for accents.  He's got this Texas drawl that I find soooooooooo sexy.  Clearly, I need to meet a man from the South!

And he's all man, I gotta give him that.  There's no tender sensitive "in touch with his feminine side" thing going on with this dude.  He's walking testosterone.

I'm not sure if I'm so hard up for male attention that someone like this would catch my eye or what.  Scares me to think what kind of guy I may end up dating one day.

Seriously, I have got to get out more before I end up dating a midget or something.  What the hell would I do with a man who only comes up to my waist?

Oh, wait....

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I'm not done yet!

I'm a little obsessed with crazy pumpkin pictures, so here's a few more of my favorites!!!!

Geez, bite my head off, will ya?


The Bulimic Pumpkin....



Copping a feel...



Would you like fries with that?


OK now, who's gonna roast some pumpkin seeds for me?


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Semi-Wordless Wednesday **UPDATED**

Yay! Becky is my 300th follower!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you!!!!

******************************************

You know I can't blog without a word. So here's the wordless part:



And here's the wordy stuff:

Look at my followers. I have 299. Who's gonna be 300??????? Come to mama, baby.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Pumpkin Butt

Aw hell no.



No, before any of you ask, that is *NOT* my ass.

Sorry, guys.

But wait!!!!!

I don't want to be accused of discrimination...



Ah. Much better.

You're welcome, ladies.

Monday, October 19, 2009

What to be for Halloween?

 
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a package with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another package and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small package and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Ah, Dr. Penny sends me some good ones....


Sunday, October 18, 2009

Six Pack Sunday


Don't get excited, it was just a line to draw you in. I couldn't drink an entire 6 pack and still type if I tried.   I could, however, keep my hands on one like this for hours at a time.

Really sad to think my days of being close to a man's body that looks like that are over.  Not many 50 year olds with a six pack like that, eh? 

Anyway, just recycling an old blog post from 2008 called "Six Random Things About Me" since today is my Sunday Rewind day.

Here you go!
1. I have taken college courses in every decade since the 70's. Yes, I'm that old, and still degreeless.

2. I used to emcee a male revue and also ran my friend's Strip-A-Gram business. There are worse things than looking at naked men and getting paid for it.  (Thus the reason for the above picture....remembering the glory days!)


3. I was a bartender at a place called the Side Door in Lancaster for several years in the 80's. (I think it was the late 80's....most of that decade is still a blur!)

4. I write, eat, and put makeup on with my left hand. Everything else, I do with my right, such as bat, bowl, hold the hair dryer, use a mixer, cut with scissors, etc.

5. I secretly wish I could sing and have always wanted to take voice lessons. However if you have ever heard me, you know there isn't a voice teacher in the world who could make me sound good.

6. I almost broke my back bowling. True story.

Your turn.

Friday, October 16, 2009

This is why I don't vlog....



Hilarious.

Think I'll stick with my unhumorous blogging.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

My son has a new job.....should I be concerned?

So, Jordan works as a projectionist at a movie theater.

Projectionist = Booth

Needless to say, his schedule at work shows that he works certain hours that are the booth shift.

Until now.

This week he's working this shift:



Evidently his job just got really fun.

Should I be concerned?

I mean, a six and a half hour booty call is going to be exhausting for the poor guy, isn't it?!?!?!?!?!

Thank God he's still young.

I'd be exhausted after 6 1/2 minutes.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Who knew DUI's were so funny?

Now, this is some hilariously funny stuff. At one point I laughed so hard I snorted. LOL

Enjoy!



Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Football finally makes sense.

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it, ' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents. '

Dumbfounded, her date asked, ' What do you mean? '

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Rejection at it's finest


So evidently somebody thought I was funny enough to be nominated to be part of Humor Bloggers. Thanks for whoever did that.


However, I received this email from them yesterday


Thank you for your interest in Humorbloggers.com. Your request for a membership was not accepted at this time.


There are several areas that are reviewed by the private membership panel. They look for an established blog, number of comments per post, consistent humor with the sole intent to be humorous. Consistency in posting is important-not the number of post per week.


Other factors also are looked at in determining whether the panel thinks the blog falls within guidelines of HBDC.


Thank You
humorbloggersdotcom
Membership


Gee, there's one for the rejection books.


Hell, if I'd known my blog was under humor scrutiny, I'd have made my recent posts about being too sick to go to Dallas hilarious. Then I could have avoided the "Sorry lady, you just aren't funny enough for us" slap in the face.


I guess the "panel" isn't made up of mid-40's men looking for a hot divorcee, eh?

Friday, October 9, 2009

Crazy weekend ahead.


Probably won't be blogging this weekend, as it's going to be a busy one. My boss is wedding planning for his brother-in-law and bride, so we've spent most of today cutting the heads off mini button mums and then hot gluing the flowers to styrofoam balls. Not sure what all these flower balls are for, but it will be gorgeous in the end.

For the wedding tomorrow, I'm acting as chauffeur. That's what I get for having the biggest, nicest car.

So much for fun at the open bar reception.

Wouldn't look good if the chauffeur needed to pass a breathalyzer to drive them to their hotel afterwards, eh?

What are your plans for the weekend?

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Live....from Las Vegas!!!!!




My dear friend Vegas Linda Lou is my guest blogger today....please welcome her to the 47 Stage with a fantastic round of applause, standing ovation, and cheers from the crowd!!!! Take it away, Linda!!!!

Hey, everybody!

Man, do I have something to get off my chest, but it’s one of those things that I probably shouldn’t post on my own blog, so I asked Julie if I could rant on her site Like a good BFF/twin separated at birth, she was happy to oblige.

Here’s the story. As you may have read right here, last Saturday was my birthday. On Tuesday our office admin came over to my cubicle with a birthday card for me. (I know,Tuesday, right?) Anyway, the card was signed by a bunch of my co-workers who share my area of the cube farm and their sentiments were lovely. ”You’re so much fun to work with.” “You’re the coolest.” That kind of stuff. (All true, I might add.)

So I’m reading the card, getting a kick out of what everyone said, and then I see what our company’s CEO wrote:

H.B.

E.P.


“E.P.” are his initials, so I take it the “H.B.” must stand for “Happy Birthday.”

H.B.? Does anything say, “I could not give one shit about the people who work for me” more than that? Why not just mark it with a bloody “X"?

WTF, E.P.? R U so GD busy U can’t F-in’ write out “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”??? Jesus H, take the extra three seconds, big guy!

I M so not LOL.

Aaaah, thanks Julie! I feel better now.

XOXO

L.L.

You are welcome, darlin, any time. Please leave my girl lots of comment love, and don't forget to tip your blog host waitress on your way out. Someone's gotta pay for my rehab.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

A non-Hallmark moment and I'm feeling all sentimental.

So yesterday I come home, feeling all kinds of crappy (again! was feeling better but now not so much) and I had this beautiful card in the mail:



It's from my dear friend Dana at Life is Good. She makes these amazing cards, and I have been lucky enough to receive more than one. In fact I have them displayed on my shelf in the living room. There isn't a damn thing for sale at Hallmark that comes close to how pretty her cards are.

The last one she sent me was so cute, on the front it said "Friends are the flowers in the garden of life", and inside it said..."You're standing on my flowers, bitch".

God, I love that woman. She gets me, and I get her.

Dana and I got to know each other last year because I was her Secret Santa in the exchange we did among bloggers. We have become good friends, and when she and Joe finally stop lollygagging around in Florida and move back to Indiana, I'll be paying them a weekend visit. I can't wait.

So this, my friends, is why you should click on the Secret Santa link to the right and get involved in our exchange! You might make a lifelong friend....and if you're lucky she'll be a really talented artist too!

Thank you for the beautiful card, Dana. Tell Joe I said to give you a little something extra special tonight, ok? (And I don't mean a ride to the casino!)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Tuesday's Texts From Last Night

I can't help it. They make me laugh out loud.

(512): They should make Jack Daniels chap stick

(541): I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.

(248): so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision

(262): I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
(715): Worst stoner tragedy.

(347): Leave Me Alone
(573): At least least me cry on your voice mail

(541): I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people

(210): I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling..

(864): u downloaded tardy 4 the party
(864): then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record

(859): Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.

(828): As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.

(608): imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

(949): Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s

(315): I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"

(508): you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

(937): We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve

(623): listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
(202): Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.

(865): is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

(864): After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!

(859): make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

(515): I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there

(504): I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation

(914): Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.



Monday, October 5, 2009

It's that time again....and other updates.

If you look to the right, you'll see the link to Georgie's 2nd Annual Secret Santa Exchange. We did this last year and it was a lot of fun. I hope you'll join us this year and let's make this a great time for all! You can click on the Secret Santa button and it will take you to Georgie's blog for details.



I wanted to show you a couple of pictures of my favorite subject...my son! I had to buy him new jeans yesterday....he is in a size 32 now! Down from a 40 back in April. He has lost an incredible 74 lbs so far. Doesn't he look amazing?  (Click on the picture to see a bigger one.)  


I put the second picture here to show that he really does eat.  Right after this was taken he ate three bowls of chili that I made for dinner.  LOL  He was happy that his jeans still fit after that!!

Now, if only his mama could lose that same amount of weight.  My 31 lbs seems paltry by comparison to what he's accomplished.


I'm feeling better ~ cold wise ~ but now my damn back is killing me.  Ugh.  It's been hurting ever since I was in Vegas last month and walked so much.  I think the arthritis kicked in big time.  So I'm hoping now that I'm finally feeling better, I can get back to my strength training and exercising and my back will settle down too.


Jordan is getting ready to hopefully (fingers crossed) enroll at the University of Cincinnati either winter or spring quarter.  In preparation, he's selling off several of his prized possessions!  He's getting rid of his XBox 360, along with Rock Band with drums and two guitars, Guitar Hero 2, Gears of War, and Halo 2, and several other games that go with it, plus his Squire bass guitar and Rumble 60 Amp.   I think he wants $200 for the XBox and all games, and $300 for the guitar and amp.  Everything is like brand new, he's taken great care of it all, so if anyone is interested, let me know.


I talked to Deb and Jill this weekend, and they are having all kinds of fun without me.  Bitches.  They should be sitting around the kitchen table, crying in their "Lost Girls Weekend" drinks (yes, those tramps have created their own drink to commemorate how much fun they are having while I stayed here coughing up a lung!) but noooooooo....they just went on and had a blast anyway.  When last I tuned in, they were going karaoke'ing and Jill was in need of a new liver.  Sigh.  Evidently Deb Does Dallas in an intoxicating way!


How was your weekend?




Saturday, October 3, 2009

It's a big day in blog world!



It's my dear friend Vegas Linda Lou's birthday!!!!!  Please take a minute to go to her blog and wish her a happy birthday today, will you?  

She's the best.  When I went to Vegas back in May to meet her, we had such a good time.  We really are sisters separated at birth by a couple of years and different parents!    Here's a picture of Darlene (Travel Girl), Linda and me from that trip.


In other news, I'm feeling a little more human today.  Head finally starting to clear up.  I can actually breathe out of one side of my nose now.  Yay!  

Friday, October 2, 2009

Public health warning



This blog may be hazardous to your health.


Cover your mouth and back slowly out of this window.


Germs are rampant.   Cough, cold and flu season abounds.



It's contagious in 47 Land. 


Save yourself!  Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit button.



A-a-a-ah-chooo!!!!!!  ::::blows nose::::



Well, too late.


I warned you. 


Go wash your hands, take 2 Tylenol and visit me again tomorrow.  I might feel like posting again by then.  


Or I may still be having a torrid affair with my new lover, NyQuil.  We're spending a lot of time in bed together.



See you soon.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Heartbroken


I'm supposed to be on a plane today to meet up with two dear friends....finally. We've been planning this trip for months.

Instead I'll be home on the couch at the very least. More than likely in bed.

I'm heartbroken.

I don't even want to talk about it. It makes me cry.

Deb and Jill, I hope you two have the time of your lives this weekend. I'm there with you in spirit. You have no idea how much I hate missing this.

I don't know why I had to get sick NOW. I guess everything happens for a reason, right? 

There better be a damn good one for this. Or somebody's getting their ass kicked.