Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Product Review - Avitae Energy Water!

(Dr. Penny, do not go any further! Exit out of here now!!!! Trust me, you do not want to read this!!!)

Here's the fun thing about having a blog that a lot of different people read....you get free stuff if you blog about it! I've got two books I'm reading right now to do reviews on, and I have the Eden's Fantasy guy just waiting for my choice of toys. LOL...meanwhile here's my first ever review.



My friend Kaylea works for a marketing company, and she asked me to do a review of a new product they are distributing. It's called Avitae, and it's caffeinated water.

Their website says:

It’s me avitae. That’s ah-vee-tay.

I’m made of nothing more than purified water and natural caffeine. I don’t have colors, flavors or any of those not-found-in-nature ingredients. So, if you’ve been living in the wasteland between boring old bottled water and for-the-love-of-pete-why-is-this-neon-colored energy drinks, then I might come as a welcome change.

I’m energy water.

Sorry if you really love niacinimide and yellow #5, but you’re out of luck here. Every bottle of avitae is filled only with purified water and 45 milligrams of natural caffeine, taken straight from the coffee bean.

45 milligrams is just about the same amount of caffeine as a diet soda, so you can switch to avitae without making a blip on your caffeine radar.

Purified water with caffeine. The natural way.


Now, I will tell you, I really liked this stuff. It tastes like spring water but wakes you up in a really good way! I didn't have any of the weird, jittery feelings you can get with some energy drinks, I just found myself wanting to clean house!

I don't believe this product has hit mass production yet, but you can check out their website for more information.

Thanks, Kaylea for sending some my way, and if you need me to continue testing it, I'm happy to!!!! Bring it on, sister!




Monday, March 30, 2009

Rescue Me. Please.

First of all, let me just say that I didn't elaborate on my date more yesterday because no guy is going to be happy finding out his dating life is plastered on a blog and being graded by a bunch of strangers (to him...you're all MY friends!).

What I will tell you is that he's 52, divorced, two adult children, he works in a related field to mine, he's taller than me, nice looking, fun, smart, as quick with the one liners as I am, and seems to be a really great guy. Time will tell if he's a really great guy for me or not.

Went to see the Eagles last night. OMG...they are the best band ever. Seriously. I have never loved a group like I do them, and they never fail to deliver. Yes, they came out and started to sing and I got teary. I am that much of a sap!

Now, on to the subject at hand.

Rescue Me.

Pretty much my most favorite show on TV. And the new season starts a week from tomorrow. If you haven't watched, it's a show starring Denis Leary on FX, about a group of firefighters post 911. This show is one of the funniest fricking things on TV. And how they get away with a lot of what they are allowed to say, amazes me!

You just have to watch it.

Linda Lou and I are in love with Denis Leary with a passion that is usually reserved for all things chocolate. Normally I'm not into tall skinny blonde men but for some reason, his character turns my crank. Probably because he is SO dysfunctional....LOL.

Enjoy a little Rescue Me.

In this one, Probie discovers a lump:



And this one is about the Spank Bank:



And this is Dirty Talk (ignore the subtitles, not sure what that's from!!!)



OH, and this one. LOL



Now, who's as big of a fan as I am?

Sunday, March 29, 2009

And the answer to the burning question is....

Yes, the date went well.

Met an an Italian restaurant, had some good wine, great conversation, and you can't ever go wrong with Salty Caramel ice cream for dessert!!!

I believe we may try it again.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Can I have your attention please?

This will be short but sweet.

I have a date tonight.

OK everybody pick yourselves up off the floor and keep reading....

Yes, a date, with who appears to be a "normal" guy. (No, I have not written about him in my blog at all!) Please wish me luck, that he's as good in person as he is on email, phone and text. If he is, this will be a lot of fun. If he's not, it will be a fast meet & greet and I'm outta there.

Will be back with a full report tomorrow. I have to go clothes shopping now. LOL

Friday, March 27, 2009

I really know how to attract 'em...Part 2

March 24, 2009

helo pretty.

hi am Mr frank kelvin am 50 years old from new maxico am divorced with a son of 23 years old .. i live in my own apartment and i love pets so much ... i just noticed your profile and i really find interest in you and i will love to know you more . you really look beautiful and you look like one of the queen sent down to earth with heart of honor ,,,i have been lonely all this wile and i want to get to know some one that i will say some thing good to and some one that will understand me we are not getting younger...we need some one special in our life's.. well i have a super market were i seal things and i have 3 employees working with me i really like them they are doing good job for me my supermarket is just 5 miles away from my house.. and i go there every day to see how they are doing i seal wears and food stock and i have sections that i seal golds and i really like the business.. well that is a little about me and i will like to know about you ...tell me what you like and dislike? i am ready to prove this to you that i really like you and we need to get get to know each other..

from your friend Mr frank kelvin if you wish to email me my email and yahoo mi is frankkelvin21@yahoo.com


Dear Frank,

Have you met my lesbian lover, Darlene?

Love, Julie

(PS....not intending to piss off my other lesbian lovers, Deb, Linda, Jill, Danica, etc. Frank can only handle so much in one day.)

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Horth Whithperer and other important news

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth.. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point,but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing, and says:

'Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

***********************************

Ah yeah, funny stuff.

So, I feel like crap. Got the whole runny nose, stuffed sinuses (which how does that work exactly, if it's all running out, what's in there to be stuffy?), headache, ears hurt, you name it. Been taking Umcka and while it's certainly cut down the symptoms, I'm still feeling crappy. Ugh, hating this.

Still working on getting a new blog layout. My problem is that I don't like any colors I'm finding to do it with! I'm not a bright and cheery kind of gal. Give me neutral or warm colors anyday. I'd play with it myself but I just don't have time. So I'm going to pay someone to do it for me.

Penny is officially drawing my tattoo! Woohoo! She's such an amazing artist, and I've always wanted one of her paintings, but evidently I have to wait until she dies and steal it from her estate....(and as healthy as she is, God knows she'll probably outlive me by 30 years or so!)...so I decided to commission her to "draw" my new tat instead! That way, I get my own original artwork, and she'll always have her artwork on display! I can't wait to see what it looks like. We're going to the tattoo place in June when she gets home.

I think that's it for now....

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I love men who can handle their balls.

Even if you aren't a football fan, you gotta respect any guy who can handle his balls like this.



Tuesday, March 24, 2009

It's time for a makeover.

In light of my one year blog anniversary coming up, I need a blog facelift. When I created this blog, I just did a very simple design, and I can live with it or change it, doesn't matter. The layout doesn't offend me.

What I really want is a new header.

Something snappy. Something fun. Something that reflects me.

(No, a fat Joan Rivers is not appropriate here)

I have no idea how to do headers, and some of you have such cute and creative ones. So I need to find someone who is talented enough to come up with something, and is willing to make it for me.

I don't want to spend an arm and a leg on a blog makeover, but I'm ready to get a little work done. Some Blogtox if you will.

Who do we know who can do this?

Monday, March 23, 2009

I really know how to attract 'em, don't I?


Date: 3/21/09
Subj: Its Those Lovely Eyes and Smile of Yours

Hi Julie!

Well, I will admit that your great photo caught my attention.....so, I thought i would write to say hi and see if there was any possibility for us!! My name is Alan and although I live in Chicago..I do come to Columbus quite often for work. I also have to be perfectly honest with you and tell you that I am, in fact, married but I thought I would take a chance and write anyway.

It would be great to get to know you through email and perhaps, meet when I am next in Columbus for a cup of coffee (yes, I am also addicted to Starbucks Mocha's..) or a drink. I would be happy to send you my photos (obviously, I can't post them...because of my marital status)..if you let me know your email. My email is sf7786@yahoo.com . I do hope that I will hear from you...and will wait 'impatiently' for you with my 'fingers and toes' crossed! Until then, ALAN

Oh no, he di'int.

Well, of course I responded...how could I not?

Dear Alan:

I divorced a cheating husband and I'm not interested in someone else's. Don't waste my time again.


Now, in retrospect I wish I hadn't responded so quickly. In fact I wish I'd contacted him, and led him on long enough to find out how to contact his wife, and then send her an email saying she really should know that her husband is trolling for affairs on MySpace. Trust me, I am damn good at detective work now. I developed my skills the hard way.

Fucktard. Men like that piss me off so bad, you have *no* idea.

Oh, you might note that I didn't block out his email address here. Just in case any of you want to jump on such a hot prospect such as this...

I'm just sayin.

Guys like this should devote half as much time to saving their marriages as they do trying to tear them apart.

Let's hope Alan's wife Google's his email address some day and this little PSA pops up.

Karma's a far bigger bitch than I am, Alan.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

So, does this mean I have to change the name of my blog?

I am no longer "47 and Starting Over". Well, at least not physically.

Today, I am officially:

glitter logo maker - http://www.sparklee.com

Don't worry, I'm not changing the name of my blog. Too much work! We'll all just know that I started it when I was 47 and starting my life over after divorce, but I'm now 48 and have moved on and am happy again....

Thanks for coming along for the ride.

And guess what else?

This is my 400th post!!!!!! Chatty little thing, aren't I?

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Lotus Pose

The other night, Jordan and his girlfriend Steph were playing Wii Fit and one of the new games was the Lotus thing where she had to sit perfectly still and not move. (Yeah, not really an aerobic exercise...LOL)

So here she is.



The funny part of this picture is that my Yorkie, Gracie, sat there the entire time staring at Steph who was staring at the TV, not blinking or moving either. Jordan and I were cracking up.

(FYI, I no longer rank anywhere in anything on Wii Fit, the two of them have blown any records I had out of the water. They're both officially grounded.)

Friday, March 20, 2009

Quick, somebody tell me I'm not seeing things....

Do you see what I see????



OH.

MY.

GOD.

Heart is coming.

I'm about to pass out.



You have to understand. I have two all time favorite, will break anybody's fingers who tries to change the radio station if one of their songs is playing, own every album or CD they've done, groups.

The Eagles.

And.

Heart.

The Eagles are in town next Sunday. I have tickets.

And now my equally favorite group Heart is coming.

There is no female group on the planet that rocks like the Wilson sisters do. Never has been, never will be. They are who every female rocker evolved from. Ain't nobody like Heart.



Now, in 2009 I get to see my two favorite bands, live and in concert, within three months of each other.

It appears my 48th year on this planet is going to be a very, verrrrrry good one.



Thursday, March 19, 2009

Please accept my apologies for being a bad blog friend

I am not able, for the most part, to access blogs during the day anymore. So I'm sure many of you realize that you don't get comments from me very often, basically on the weekends when I have a chance to actually catch up with everyone.

I want you all to know that I really appreciate the comments you leave me every day, and know that I will eventually get to your blogs on the weekend and get caught up with your lives as well....

I hope things get back to normal again soon but until then, I am thinking about you all, and thank you for continuing to follow me and comment even though I'm a bad blog friend right now.

What old people do for fun.



Ah, good times.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Let's play Happy Crappy **Updated**

Here's how it works. Tell me something happy and something crappy today.

Happy: I'm expecting an offer on my listing! (OK technically I am writing this on Tuesday evening and they are supposed to fax it anytime, so by the time this posts Wednesday morning, I *should* have the offer already!)

Crappy: Blogger is annoying me with it's new habit of NOT posting my pre-written posts at the time they are supposed to. I used to be able to do several days in advance and they would magically post when scheduled...now they don't. Anyone else having this problem?

That was fun. Your turn!

*******UPDATE*******

Happy: Blogger got it's shit together and posted this when it was supposed to this morning.

Crappy: The offer

Crappier: It came from the buyer who was *supposed* to be working with me, and obviously changed her mind and went with another realtor.

Crappiest: The basement wall. Just leave it at that.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Close your eyes and go back....

...Before the Internet or PC or the MAC......

....Before semi-automatics and crack....

....Before Playstation, SEGA, Super Nintendo, even before Atari...

....Before cell phones, CD's, DVD's, voicemail and e-mail....

....Go way back......way.....way.....way back.....

Go back.


I'm talkin' bout hide and seek at dusk

Red light, Green light

Red Rover....Red Rover.....

Playing kickball & dodgeball until the first

...no...second...

no...third...street light came on

Ring around the Rosie

London Bridge

Hot potato

Hop Scotch

Jump rope

YOU'RE IT!!

Parents stood on the front porch and yelled (or whistled) for you to come home - no pagers or cell phones

Take One Giant Step..... May I?

Seeing shapes in the clouds.

Endless summer days and hot summer nights (no A/C) with the windows open.

The sound of crickets.

Running through the sprinkler.

Cereal boxes with that GREAT prize in the bottom.

Cracker jacks with the same thing.

Ice pops with 2 sticks you could break and share with a friend.


.but wait.……


..there's more...


Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons Tom and Jerry, serial adventures,

Captain Midnight, Cisco Kid, The Lone Ranger, Boston Blackie.

Catchin' lightning bugs in a jar

Christmas morning.

Your first day of school.

Bedtime Prayers and Goodnight Kisses.

Climbing trees.

Swinging as high as you could in those long swings to try and reach the sky.

A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers.

Jumpin' down the steps.

Jumpin' on the bed.

Pillow fights.

Runnin' home from the western movie you just saw 'til you were out of breath.

Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.

Being tired from PLAYING.

WORK: meant taking out the garbage, cutting the grass, washing the car, or doing the dishes.

Your first crush.

Your first kiss (I mean the one that you kept your mouth CLOSED and your eyes OPEN)

Rainy days at school and the smell of damp concrete and chalk erasers


Oh, I'm not finished yet....


Kool-Aid was the drink of the summer.

So was a swig from the hose.

Giving your friends a ride on your handlebars of your bike.

Attaching pieces of cardboard to your bike frame to rub against your spokes.

Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.

Class Field Trips with soggy sandwiches.

When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there from school.

When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance, and another quarter a MIRACLE

When ANY parent could discipline ANY kid, or feed him, or use him to carry Groceries... And nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When your parents took you to the cafeteria and it was a real treat.

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. We simply did not want our parents to get mad at us.


Didn't that feel good? Just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that!" Well, let's keep going!!


Let's go back to the time when...


Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"

"Race issues" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

Nobody was prettier than Mom.

Scrapes and bruises were kissed by mom and made better.

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare"

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

Water balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon.


If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived during a more pleasant simpler time !

Those of you who remember will have lived in an era that no one else will ever experience. The era has passed and slowly those of us who lived it are passing also. If you do not remember, then ask your parents, grand parents or great grand parents. We went from am radio to the stars.

Your era is here, be part of it. Make it worthwhile for future generations to build on.

We did.

Monday, March 16, 2009

"M" is for Monday.

Monday. Seriously?

Why does the 63 hours between when I leave work on Friday and go back on Monday, fly by sooooooooooooo fast, and the rest of the week crawls?

Honestly. Can't it be Friday at 5pm again soon? Please?

Busy weekend. Friday night Bunco with the girls. I didn't win, but Danica did for being a loser. LOL But it was lots of fun, as always, and thanks again, Liz, for hosting.

Saturday I pretty much didn't leave the house during the day other than to get a nail fixed. Hung out at home, did some laundry and read for awhile. Was feeling kind of down in the dumps over some work related stuff, so I really just wanted to be alone.

Snapped out of it long enough to go to Danica's Annual St. Patty's party! I'm sure she'll blog about it, though, so check out her blog for more details. Suffice it to say, jello shots have a way of making even the most down in the dumps person happy. Who can be sad with jiggly alcohol?

Sunday I went into the office and cleaned for four hours. It had to be done. Wasn't how I wanted to spend what turned out to be a pretty day, but it is done now, and I can feel better about that tomorrow when I walk in there.

On the way home from work, Joan Jett came on, and I had "I Hate Myself For Loving You" blasting at full volume in my car. Trust me when I say blasting, the nice thing about having a car I can't afford is the kick ass stereo that's in it. Bose everything. Love that.

And for the record, I wasn't wallowing in anything because of that song (LOL..love ya!)...I just happen to love 80's JJ music. I can do some serious dancing to that shit. Just ask the guy who was driving beside me, he was totally enjoying my rock out. I think you should enjoy the experience as well. Go ahead and dance. I'll wait.



Ooooh, and once I got home, I busted out my June Cleaver side, and made chicken and noodles and homemade mashed potatoes at my no-longer-vegetarian son's request. He and his buddy Ead scarfed down a couple of bowls and pronounced it "damn good".

This is my birthday week...I'm going to be 48 on Sunday. Two years from 50. Wow. I am at that age where I truly wonder where the years went. And I have to accept that I am...gulp...middle-aged.

OMG, I said the dreaded M word.

Followed quickly by yet another ugly M word...menopause.

Arrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

HELP!

I think this calls for resorting to the one and only M that truly makes me happy.



Ah. That's more like it. I don't hate myself for loving *you*, Marg.

Happy Monday!!!!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Sunday Rewind - Definition of "Cougar"

As you know, Sunday is my blogging day off, so enjoy this little post from August 1, 2008, when I was being hit on by a younger (much younger!) man on MySpace...



So I looked up Cougar in the urban dictionary....

And there were quite a few entries!

A 35+ year old female who is on the "hunt" for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path. "Man is cougar's number one prey"

Nah. Not so much.



An attractive woman in her 30's or 40's who is on the hunt once again. She may be found in the usual hunting grounds: nightclubs, bars, beaches, etc. She will not play the usual B.S. games that women in their early twenties participate in. End state, she will be going for the kill, just like you. Associated with milfs.

Hmmmm...not me either.



Party girl/s who are now angry they are not married and prey on younger men; common traits include leathery skin from frequent tanning sessions, smoking, anti-depressant use, and a large collection of "massagers."

Um, definitely not.



Hot and sexy older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single or married, who is sick of her same-age counterparts which are usually hairless, have big guts, who only talk about their insurance premiums and have the TV remote control attached to their hands. Cougars are attractive, in their sexual prime, who know what they want and aren't afraid to go after it. BIG misconception is that they dress cheap, wear hot pink nail polish, animal skin prints and are not-so-attractive old-looking hags with bleached hair (Yeah those women exist, but they are NOT cougars). True cougars are classy, beautiful creatures who have made their successes on their own, have real brains, usually with expensive cars/homes, and are real head turners. Cougars seek younger men, and don't have to sneak up and attack...they know their younger mates are eager to get an experienced woman who won't ask if they'll call them the next day. Being a cougar is a positive thing.

Getting close....



A distinguished species of older females who seek the company of younger males whilst avoiding the entanglements of a relationship, in favor of a lack of restrictions. The cougar woman has overcome society’s proscribed behavior for women’s sexual behavior. Thus, she embraces her true self and lives her life to the fullest. She know what she wants and isn’t afraid to hunt for it! There are several species of cougars, but an insatiable sexual appetite and a lack of interest in marriage and other conventional romantic institutions are common to all.

Closer....



Cougar refers to an older woman, in their 40's and early 50's who's youthful looks are beginning to fade or are almost faded. Cougars tend to be sexually interested in younger men in their 20's or mid 30's since their libidos are more evenly matched. Cougars, being older and wiser are often financially stable and pursue men more for their boyish charm and stamina and less for their income level, career or ego. Cougars love the attention and passionate thrill of an uncomplicated sexually intense relationship that younger men tend to offer.

Houston, we've got a cougar.

Well, IF I were a cougar, these last two definitions have some details that might be accurate. But I'm not one, so there.

Rawrrrrrrrrrrrl.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

I am going to kick his ass. Literally.

My son had the audacity to email me this picture:



Hello, *I* am the reigning queen of the ski jump on Wii. NOT HIM. How dare he surpass my jump record????? What kind of kid did I raise???

I guess you all know how I'm spending MY Saturday, right?

I'll be on the slopes if you need me.

PS: Aren't our little Wii people cute? They look just like us!

Friday, March 13, 2009

"Dammit why is Julie making me think so hard on Friday?"

This question was posed to me last night, and so now I am going to ask you the same thing.

If you had to choose the single biggest mistake you've made so far in life, what would it be?

My knee jerk reaction was...you guessed it...my marriage.

But honestly, that's not it.

My marriage had it's good moments. Granted, they mostly occurred within the first 24 hours after exchanging vows...but regardless, it wasn't all bad! And the truth is I probably wouldn't take it back even if I could. I'm glad I married him. It was, if nothing, a learning experience. So it's not my biggest mistake.

My biggest mistake was in not putting a cap in his ass in the end.

Oh wait, did I just say that out loud? My bad. I kid! I kid! I would have never done that.

(I'd have left it up to the other woman's husband! LOL)

Anyway...where was I?

When giving myself more time to think about this, I guess I'd have to say that my biggest mistake is probably not really pursuing what I wanted to do with my life, which was be a makeup artist in Hollywood. Yes, that was my dream. But I didn't have the balls to leave Ohio and head out west to pursue them. My parents made me enroll in college here, I partied for 2 quarters and flunked out. Went to work full time at 19 and here I am today...making a decent living doing something that bores the crap out of me. I never wanted to be in accounting. For heaven's sake, I don't balance my own checkbook and never have! I just got pushed into this from one job to the next, and suddenly I was making a living at it.

So that's my biggest mistake...not at least *trying* to do what I know would have made me happier in life, all those years ago.

And no, I don't want to be a Mary Kay lady now to make up for it. It's not the same thing. (Not meaning to offend any of you MKL's out there so don't start a comment war on me!)

So tell me, what's your biggest mistake?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Check out my new counter at the top...

May 22nd. 6:15pm.

I land in Vegas and meet up with Linda Lou and Travel Girl. And whoever else wants to meet us for some fun in the desert sun and lots o'drinks.

LOTS.

I.Can.Hardly.Stand.The.Wait.

Girls, we have to make a pack that if some of what happens in Vegas needs to stay in Vegas and off the blog...so be it. I have family (and a child!) who read my blog and don't necessarily want/need to know it all.

C'mon, pinky swear.

CCD, we're counting on you to make it over too. And Sandi? Get Brandon to watch the kids and get your skinny ass to Vegas for the weekend.

Is it possible to laugh yourself to death? Because I'm updating my will just in case that happens!

Thousand Words Thursday

A picture is worth a thousand words, right?



I think a few of you can identify.

Enough said.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Did you know there are seven kinds of sex?

Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. *This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. *This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. *This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex *This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. *Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. *This is when you cannot stand your spouse any more because (s)he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex *You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.


PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems of my own.



Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dear Wii Fit....

I'd like to have a little discussion about our date on Sunday.

As we are both aware, I have not be very attentive to you. I know that, and I'm sorry.

Really, it's not you, it's me.

I've just been really busy with work, and by the time I get home in the evening, make dinner, etc., I really just want to flop on the couch for a couple of hours, unwind and then go to bed.

Besides, Jordan has had you all to himself in his bedroom for the past couple of months, so even if I wanted to spend time with you, I couldn't.

(That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)

I digress...

So on Sunday morning, there I was...in my living room, in my nightshirt (see, I didn't even take time to put shorts and a t-shirt on...I wanted you right then and now!) ready to work out. I was there, I was present, I was in the moment with you. It was "our" time, and I was feeling really emotional towards you. I'd missed you...

And then you had the audacity to tell me I have gained 4.9 lbs since our last date.

Oh and the "Haven't quite made your weight loss goal, have you, Julie?" comment was really uncalled for. Being a smart ass is sooooooooooo unbecoming to you.

And here's a newsflash...telling me my Wii Fit age is 49? Not cool.

But what really hurt me the most was that I spent the next 40 minutes working out with you. Stepping on and off the Wii Fit board, doing aerobics and strength training and balance exercises....

And every time I stepped on the board...you groaned.

GROANED.

Like the massive weight was about to break you!

I am offended. And before you say it was my imagination...it wasn't. I had the sound on, I could hear you. The screen actually made a funny picture as if it were getting lightheaded or something.

Seriously. I know I'm overweight. (Or as I prefer to think of it, I'm undertall. If I were 6'9" I'd be proportionate.) I see it in the mirror. I feel it in the waist of my jeans.

I don't need Mr. "Oooh, look at me, I'm Wii Fit and you're not" physically groaning and making me feel worse than I already do.

So I am writing to let you know....IT'S ON NOW.

You threw down with me, right in my own home...and I'm here to tell you, you don't want to piss a menopausal redhead like me off in that manner.

I'm gonna be all over you, pal, wearing your ass out like a whore thrown into a prison yard. You don't get to make derogatory noises at me like that and get away with it.

I unlocked new activities on Sunday thanks to the duration of my workout. That's right. I have Super Hula Hoop now. And Snowboard Slalom.

You, my friend, are gonna see more of me that you ever wanted to.

And you're going to be nice to me. Look, I realize that after my 40 minutes of exercising, you tried to make up for what you said earlier, and you told me I'd lost 1 lb and my new Wii Fit age was 36. You bet your ass it is.

And this time next week, it's gonna be 29.

By the end of the month, I'll be young enough to get carded.

And then, I'm dropping your sorry ass for Dance Dance Revolution.

Oh yeah, it's on.

Love,

Monday, March 9, 2009

I'd like you to meet....

Some of my blogging buds...

I thought I'd take this opportunity to introduce you to a few of my blogging buddies, who consistently make me laugh every day, or who just write from the heart and make me so glad I know them. Some have adorable kids, hot husbands, crazy friends, whack job ex's, dysfunctional relationships (wow, so far this is like talking about myself except for the hot husband thing!), or they just have stuff to say that I think you would find interesting....

Take a minute and go pay them a visit, and tell 'em Julie sent you...and please, if you are not on this list, it does NOT mean I love you any less! Many of us are blessed enough to already know each other. I'm just sending bloggy love to some of my other pals who you may not yet know but should.


A Golfer and A Girl

It Is What It Is

The Keeper of All Things

Fragrant Liar

Sarah Lulu

Holy Mackerel

Living My Best Life

Mindy's Manias!

Martelle-isms

Holy Crappers


Jen Suarez

Bouncing Baby Buckeye

Modern Mom

Leesa's Stories

Single, Bereaved, Broken

The Bagman and The Butler

Scandalous Housewife

Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

Midlife, Menopause, Mistakes...

Doodles From The Scrapbook In My Mind

Smarty Pants Rants

There, that should give you guys sufficient reading material for today, at least! Don't forget, leave my friends some comment love and let 'em know I sent you...

If I didn't mention you because either A) I suck as a friend or B) I've had too much wine (wait, didn't this post at 6am? Hmmmm..am I pre-writing blogs?), then let me know and I'll do a follow up list called "Blogging buddies that now want to put a smack down on me for forgetting them." LOL

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Sunday Rewind

It's my blogging day off, so please enjoy a little funny from last August...I'm still trying to figure out who the hell is buying this thing?


The Ass Bra

Seriously? There is actually a company making this??



According to their website, the purpose is:


A creative solution for those who want the illusion of slim and trim thighs, a tummy-tuck and a butt-lift without the use of padding.


Now, a few things come to mind right off the bat when looking at this...

First of all, if your ass looks this good, you don't need a bra for it. If my ass looked like this, I would not be covering it up. I'd be bare assed naked running down the frozen food aisle of Giant Eagle. Hell, mine didn't look like that back in the days when it looked good!

Second, if your ass looks anything like mine (and I hope for your sake, it doesn't), then the effect is basically going to be equivalent of seeing a huge amount of oatmeal cookie dough squeezed through a couple of straws.

Third, there is no amount of "high compression latex" that is going to smooth the tummies and thighs of us big girls in a way that doesn't look like we're enclosed in sausage casing.

Honestly...imagine how pretty this is going to look on. When you were a kid and played with water balloons, did you ever squeeze one in the middle and then you had two separate balloons of jiggly water? That's what I see going on when you wear this (except the balloons are lumpy and pasty white).

And the big old circles left on your ass cheeks when you take it off? Bulls Eyes. Lovely. Like I need to draw attention to that area of my body.

No thanks, I think I'll stick with what I have. It may not be pretty, but at least it's not getting into the room 5 minutes after the rest of me.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

You can get up off your knees now....unless you are enjoying it!

The showing went well. They seemed to love the house. I'm feeling pretty good that we'll get an offer on it!

Look what I did this afternoon. My computer room that I shared with my son was a disaster area. And now that he's got a laptop and we don't need two desks in there, I cleaned it up and out and now I have my own Real Estate office in my house!




It still needs some work. On the opposite wall (where the door is) you can't see Jordan's guitars and amp. I'm going to eventually get him to put those in his room and maybe put a chair and a side table/lamp in here. Not that I think I'll be hanging out in here reading but heck, you never know.

I'm all excited! At least one room in my house is presentable! It motivates me to make others that way!!!!

Oh, no date yet with Bachelor #2. I haven't made the call. I need to get motivated to do that. I wonder if I really don't want to date as much as I think I do?

OK everybody on their knees...

..in prayer formation.

Got a showing on one of my houses today, with a new buyer who isn't working with a Realtor but will be working with me after 11am. If I get them to buy my listing, I get both commissions!!!!!

THIS ROCKS!

Cross your fingers, folks! Say a prayer. Light a candle. Whatever it takes!

Second...making a coffee date with Bachelor #2 for sometime this weekend. Will update you on Monday with a thumbs up or down!

And last...

I haven't sneezed in three whole hours.

I just thought that was newsworthy....

Happy Saturday!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Grumpy, Sneezy, Cranky, Snotty, Coughy, Headachey and Sinusy

I'm my own Seven Dwarfs today.




And I'm not happy about it.

We're all passing this crap around the office. All day, every day, one of us is sneezing, coughing, using HeadOn, or whining about sneezing, coughing, and needing HeadOn.



It's ridiculous.

It's that "I don't feel bad enough to stay home and burn up a sick day but I don't feel good enough to be sitting in my office pretending to work" feeling.

And it annoys me.

I'd much rather be doing this:



Than this:



I'd really rather be doing this:





With him:



It's official. I'm delirious.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Enquiring minds want to know...and I'm here to answer! **UPDATED**

Check out Jordan's Blog. How cute are they?

**********************************

OK so I've had a lot of comment "questions" recently, so I decided to answer them all in one big blog post....

Here you go.

Regarding the "Hi my name is" blog:

@ Butler & Bagman: I hope whoever I start to date doesn't follow my blog! Of course, since I posted yesterday about the guy I was interested in, he hasn't responded to my last email from Monday night...so maybe he found the blog and is already running the other way!

@ Danica: You *are* invited to Vegas. Memorial Day weekend. Tentatively I am flying out Friday night and back on Tuesday, just burning one vacation day that way. Staying with my separated at birth sister buddy Vegas Linda Lou, and hopefully Travel Girl and Chocolate Covered Day Dreams will be meeting us as well...

@ Keeper of All Things: Fun Dip is a drink that tastes just like that stuff we used to eat as kids, that came in the package and tasted like powdered sweet tarts? It's 1 1/2 shots of Grape Vodka, 1 shot Blue Curacao, about two shots of Sweet & Sour Mix, and a splash of 7-up. Drink over ice. Get drunk. One side effect other than a fast buzz is that you get a blue tongue. When you laugh you look like you've just blown a Smurf.

@ Everyone who asked: You are all welcome to use any blog of mine on yours. Just link back to me! (Except you, Mr. Bike Smut. Leave my exercise bike alone!)

Regarding "Bachelor #2 and I might actually like this one!" blog:

First, thank you all for the compliments that I am beautiful and deserving of a great guy...I appreciate every single one of them! I truly do. If any of you had penises, I'd date you. (Or for those of you that do actually possess that item, you know where to find me!) (No, Jenny...I mean one that's actually attached to a body, not that you bought yourself!)

@ Butler & Bagman: Baggy need not be jealous. He'll always be the one that got away. LOL

@ Liz: Who wouldn't be able to hit it off with me? Hell if I know! I think I'm pretty easy to get along with!!!! (I am, right?)

@ Won: Yes you can live vicariously through me. I live vicariously through several of my friends, so hopefully nothing gets lost in translation!

@ Wonder Mom: I *hope* they aren't all freaks! We all know I certainly attract a select group but perhaps the tide is turning...

@ Jill...Yes you can be my flower girl. Or my Maid of (Dis)Honor. Your choice.

@ Just a Chic: I take your word for it, as you would know a hot babe when you see one. LOL... I'm not worthy!

@ Lisa L: Yeah, that "we" can work on the weight thing was a little unsettling. But I think it's nice that he thinks it's something to be supportive about...or it's just a nice way of making sure "we" lose the weight!

@ Dana: Oh shit, if this is your Joe...I swear I never laid a hand on him. Put the gun down before you hurt somebody with that damn thing!

@ Jenny: Impeccable grammar is always a plus with me. You know that. I'm following your lead and setting the bar higher. After all it's working out quite nicely for you!

Regarding "I think this is pretty self explanatory":

@ Megryansmom: No he's not one of my bachelors. He's an ex-boyfriend. (I wish...) If he was a bachelor, I'd be devoting all my time to touching his biceps, not blogging. If he were an ex-boyfriend he wouldn't be an EX-boyfriend. I'd have him tied to a chair so he couldn't escape!

@ Dr. Penny: He scares *you*? Now what does that say about me???? LOL

@ Fragrant Liar: You can get one of those at www.photofunia.com.

@ Mindy: Same place. You may have to wrestle Fragrant Liar for him, though.

@ Butler & Bagman: If Baggy looks like this, I'm headed your way. Now.

@ Airmanmom: If I have a bachelor who looks like that in a wife beater, he can have Angelina Jolie on it for all I care. It isn't gonna be on him long anyway!

Regarding Days One and Two of my Management Lessons:

No, I don't make these up myself. I wish I was that funny. I steal them from everybody else. Thankfully my friends send me a lot of emails that I turn into blog fodder!!

Regarding Jordan's Car Update:

So we got it back last week, and within an hour the "Check Engine" light came on again! I called them back and not so politely requested that they replace the damn sensor...not just attempt to fix it. So, as we took it in today.

And on the way, I got a speeding ticket for going 38 in a 25! Arrrgh. Nothing like my son pulling over too, and pointing and laughing at me as I'm batting my eyes at Mr. Policeman. Didn't work, he still gave me a $107 ticket. Of all days NOT to wear a low cut shirt...

He also informed me that my license plates were expired.

Excuse me? It's not my birthday yet, how can they be expired? They expire this month...?

Nope. Evidently the leasing company doesn't go by the birthday renewal thing They do it whenever they fricking feel like it, which in my case is on February 20th every year.

I think it's hilarious that for the past two years I've evidently driven on expired plates between February 20th and my birthday on March 22nd!

So...once again, my son is driving the expensive car and I'm driving...a Chevy Aveo!

OK...I think that just about sums up Q&A period for today. If I missed anything, or there's some burning question you need to know, just ask!!!!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Hi, my name is....

Hi, my name is: Julie...Jules...Anastasia Beaverhausen...Helena Handbasket...Regis...Mom...Jewelry....depends on who's talking to me or what board I'm on!

I've never been to: Spain. But I kinda like the music...

I hate it when: I look in the mirror, expecting to see a 30'ish year old hot mama, and instead there's some old'ish woman looking back at me! Honestly, it shocks me every single time! I'm going to be 48 this month...fast approaching the big FIVE OH, and my face looks every second of it. But my mind is still somewhere in my 30's! I need the two to make peace with each other!

The one person who can drive me nuts is: My ex. Just knowing he's breathing can make me insane. LOL Never in my life has anyone known every possible button to push like he does. And he does it regularly. Even when we don't speak.

When I'm nervous: I can't sit still. I pace. I shake my right leg. I bite at my fake nails. And my bottom lip. And I breathe really hard. (Ironically I do most of these same things during sex.) (I think.) (I can't really remember that far back.)

The last song I listened to was: "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves". Random, I know. I was scanning Sirius stations on the way into work and it was on the 70's one.

If I were to get married today my maid of honor/best man would be: Nobody. I'd be at the drive thru wedding chapel in Vegas. OK maybe Linda Lou and Darlene would be holding me up standing up with me, but only because they probably hooked me up with some guy, got me drunk and decided I needed a new last name. I can't wait til we Vegas together!!! Wooohoo! I'm gonna have blog fodder for weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My hair is: As big as I can get it. I haven't outgrown the 80's mall look yet. (Tiff, can I borrow your Minnie Mouse headband? It can only add to my beauty...)

When I was 5: My older sister told me that I was adopted and made me cry. Then she said "Oh for God's sake, if you were adopted we'd have sent you back by now!" And that made me cry harder. Bitch.

Last Christmas: I made my son really happy with a Macbook.

I should be: Making millions as I type. But I'm not. Blogging doesn't pay well. Yet.

When I look down: I wonder where my feet are.

The happiest recent event was: Listening to my son and his girlfriend cracking each other up. You know how when your kids are little and they just giggle so hard it makes YOU laugh? That's what they do together, and hearing my "baby" so happy makes me happy too.

My current annoyance is: Lack of real estate clients. How am I supposed to pay off my bills and travel if nobody is buying/selling houses? Come on, people. I need a stimulus package of my own!

I have a hard time understanding: Euchre. I just can't grasp it. Seriously, I am not *that* stupid but that game confused the bejeezus out of me.

There's this girl that I know: Who has the same bad luck/taste in men that I do, and we're both really great women so I'm not sure why don't think better of ourselves. She's dating someone right now and I really hope it works out for her. Yes Goldilicks...this means you.

The thing I want to buy is: A new face. I never thought I'd be bothered by lines and wrinkles but I'm telling you, this past year my face has driven me nuts. As one of my friends said...it's matured tremendously! LOL I'm saving for some work, I'm just telling you now. I have become *that* vain.

If you visited the place I'm from: And the police were called, they'd be dispatched to you by my BFF Cheri.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: A new bottle of my favorite perfume, Ann Taylor Possibilities. Oh, and some Grape Vodka and Blue Curacao to make Fun Dip.

Most recent thing someone else bought me was: Lunch today. Sushi, via my good friend Megan...who I just turned on to my blog and she's probably reading this. :::waves::: Hi Gorgeous!

My middle name is: Denise. If I were a boy it would have been Denephew.

Last night I was: Watching that idiot Jason dump poor Melissa on national TV, and then start sucking face five minutes later with Molly, who he rejected the first time around. Frankly, I believe Jillian dodged quite a bullet!

If I was an animal I'd be: A black bear. Let's face it, I like fur, I look good in black, and I have no problems whatsoever laying around all winter long.

Tomorrow I am: Probably going to do what I did today. Oh wait, I have a dinner date tomorrow night! (With a girl. Chillax.)

Tonight I am: Going to try and figure out what kind of blog I can entertain you with tomorrow!!!

Finish the sentence...I dare you.


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Bachelor #2 for the year...and I might actually like this one!

OK, I haven't been dabbling in the dating pool too much this year, kind of resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't really meeting anyone who made me want to actually get to know them and/or actually go out on a date.

Then I met Joe. Well, cybermet him. Haven't met him in person yet.

Here's his profile:

Father of four whose life is centered mostly on his kids (sometimes to their extreme dismay). Girls, 12 and 15. Boys, 17 and 19.

Hoping to meet someone to love, honor and cherish. (And, no, the phrase isn't a cliche because it's not repeated enough.) A woman with the Three Cs: Character, Class and Compassion. A role model for my girls.

I'm not asking for much: Only to wake up early every morning for the rest of my life, look at the beautiful sleeping figure beside me, and be reminded why I get up for those cold-morning jogs and start work before everyone else.

The inner peace of a loving relationship polishes out the rough edges of life. I realize that the love and respect one seeks isn't merely GRANTED. It must be EARNED, which is why I try to maintain my sense of honor and a commitment to something greater than just me.

On days off I'll do just about anything involving fresh air and sunlight. I golf when I can and answer my kids' challenges in driveway basketball games. During the warmer months I look forward to sailing, backpacking, touring or cycling. For me, "outdoors" could also mean "out in the garage" where I tinker on two old cars (usually before I have them towed to someone who knows what he's doing). Started running again, and lifting weights since my son humiliated me in a "friendly" competition.

Lately I spend lots of time walking dogs, ours and those at the local shelter, where my daughter is a volunteer. Active in numerous community organizations (was scoutmaster of the local troop for several years). Long ago I was a Marine, so today I'm involved with a group that helps wounded Marines and their families.

Some have called my business successful. (Wasn't always that way.) To me it's not a success until I'm on the golf course while SOMEONE ELSE is running it!

I'm an excellent shopper! This means I'm very good at standing by in stores I would never visit while she pores thorugh aisles of merchandise I would never think of buying. (Oh. Except as a gift, of course!)

I'm also a (functional) dancer! Had the good fortune to take a series of dance lessons with a beautiful woman I dated last year.

I've found that cooking, menu-planning and grocery shopping are the hardest parts of being a single dad. I'll always appreciate a good recipe ( so if you're looking for a way to break the ice -- wink-wink, hint-hint.)

FULL DISCLOSURE --

-- I should probably mention that my hair is thin in back. (Well, OK. It's a bald spot.) Won't be doing a comb-over because my daughters begged -- and I mean BEGGED -- me not to.

-- The running I mentioned is really more of a jog. (Well, OK. It's probably more of a shuffle than a jog. Incredible to think that I once ran faster and farther with boots, helmet, pack and rifle.)

-- About my divorce (and all I should ever say about it): Married 17 years until she decided to become a "free agent", so to speak. Spent two years trying to dissuade her, and another 16 months in court, arguing for residential custody. (Lost both.) Was I the perfect husband? No. But I learn from my mistakes.

AND I SHOULD PROBABLY ADD ...

1. While I'd certainly be flattered to hear from you, I'm not seeking another pen pal. If I'm not someone you'd like to meet reasonably soon, then please don't write.

2. I love all kids. Including yours. Nothing you're doing is more important than raising them.

3. Lots of weirdos on line; I'm NOT one of them. (Well ... OK. But I'm harmless.) You'll find me open and accessible. If we get to a third date and I still don't know your address or last name, then I'll take it as suspicion, quirkiness and mistrust. Not exactly the foundation of a lasting relationship.

4. If we find there's some chemistry but you live out of town, I don't mind driving to spend an afternoon or evening with you. Once, maybe twice. After that, I'll need a good reason. (I know what you're thinking and no, I'm NOT suggesting THAT!)

5. If you're a bit overweight, no problem! I can hardly be critical. The question is: what are WE doing about it? Maintaining good health signals respect to one's mate.

6. Don't care about your past; hopefully you've learned from it. Don't care about your ex-; I doubt he's quite the rascal others have portrayed him to be. Don't care about your faith; it is best expressed by one's example, rather than by one's sermon. Don't care about your politics, grey hair, fashion choices, reading glasses or messy house. I'm more interested in your character.

7. If I can post MY picture and still get responses, then you have nothing to fear by posting yours.

First Date The zoo! Otherwise a hike in nice weather seems to me a great way to get to know someone. (But I completely understand if, after seeing my picture and reading my prose, you'd rather not be alone in the woods with me. So here are some alternatives: )

Bike rides are nice but it's hard to talk if you're riding single-file most of the time. We could golf nine holes, go to the movies, go to a favorite restaurant, visit a museum (there's one in Indiana I heard about), attend the symphony (I love Classical) or we could just kick the teenagers out of the house and download some old movies.

Of course, if you have a canine companion, feel free to bring it along and we can go out for a walk. If conversation becomes difficult, the dogs will give us something to talk about. (Although, if you've read this far, you've probably surmised that running out of things to say has never been a problem of mine.)

Good so far, eh?

We've exchanged numerous emails. He thinks I'm gorgeous. He wears glasses, I think he might need a new prescription. I'm trying not to freak out over the 4 kids issue, with only one of them being a legal adult, when I just got mine grown and on his own (OK yes he still lives with me but we're roommates now much more than mother/son). I'll be honest, he seems very nice...not the type I'm typically attracted to but at this age I'm thinking brains before brawn, you know?

So anyway...that's where things stand. We are getting acquainted via email, and we'll see if there's enough interest to meet....

I'm ready. I really am. It's taken me a long time to let go of my ex and be really, and truly, ready to start over with someone new. I wish I could say I'm "over" him. I'm not. I'm not over my marriage ending the way it did. I'm not over what his affair did to me. But something I read not long ago on one of my friend's blogs was spoken by her therapist, and while it dealt with two losses she's suffered that are completely different than my situation, it still resonated with me...

“You will never be over this. The goal is that you live your life in spite of it.”

So *that* is what I am trying to do. Live my life, and be happy again.

The day after our wedding, as my ex and I stood in a buffet line in Las Vegas, I remember looking at him and saying "Doesn't being this happy feel amazing??" And it did. And I was. I had no idea I could ever be that happy, until then. I was in love. I was married. I was on my way to Happily Ever After.

I'm ready to be that happy again. I'm ready to share that kind of happiness with someone else.

Who knows if it will be this guy or not? Only time will tell. But, at least I'm finally ready to give someone an honest chance...