Saturday, February 28, 2009

Happy birthday, Sue Ellen!

It's my big sister's birthday today. I won't say how old she is but she's 13 years older than me and I'm turning 48 next month still 29, so that makes her sixty one 42 I believe.

This is her with her favorite people...her family. In this picture she's a wife, a mother, a mother-in-law, a grandma, and a daughter all at once. I think her favorite role is Grandma. She spoils the crap out of those three...

Happy birthday, sis. Love you much....

Friday, February 27, 2009

Day Two of Julie's Management Course AND Car Update!

And you thought it was a one day thing. Please.

Lesson One:

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The bastard had all quarters!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed

Lesson Two:

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The Hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.

Promptly, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Lesson Three:

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along, they passed some people who remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding".

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." So, they decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So the both rode the donkey!

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

Management Lesson: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.


So, last night Jordan comes home and says "My "check engine light" came on in my car".

WTF?????????? We just got the damn car a week ago!

So, needless to say I didn't sleep well all night worrying about this. I thought our car problems were over when we got rid of the Poo Wagon.

Got up this morning and followed him to the car dealership to drop his car off, and told them we needed a loaner car because he has to work today. They directed us across the street to the rental car place, which they would pay for.


Except that it turns out, an 18 year old can't drive a rental car. He has to be 21.

So...right now I'm driving this...a $15,000 Ford Focus:

And my 18 year old is driving this...

My $50,000 Chrysler 300 SRT with Hemi engine and racing technology.

I told him to park the damn thing in the garage and don't move it unless something is on fire. LOL


Thursday, February 26, 2009

So...this BlogHer conference thingy? *UPDATED*

Our favorite harried mom of 14, Sandi, told me all about this BlogHer conferency thingy being held in Chicago in July.

Let me see...a bunch of blogging women, getting away from their husbands and kids, and partying in Chicago for three days? Hmmmmmm....

Who would ever want to do something like that???

Yeah, that would be me.

Even though I have no husband to run from (been there, done that. Ha!) and I actually enjoy my adult child kid, I still can find plenty of reasons to go! First and foremost, it gets me the hell out of Ohio. Maybe not far, but Chicago is much more fun than Columbus any day!

My boss owns a condo right on Lake Shore Drive, just a mere blocks from where the conference is going on...and flights are dirt cheap, so why NOT go? Got a great place to stay, and good friends to meet up with. It's a win win.

Is anybody else going? Can Sandi and I convince you to go, and we can have one big ass party while we're there? Hell, skip the daily conference, go shopping on Michigan Avenue, and get done in time for the cocktail parties at night. Sounds like a plan to me!

C'mon...who's up for a road trip?


I hate doing more than one post a day so I keep updating!

My son updated his blog. Check it out.

I'm going to be doing a new Bachelor post next week! Probably Monday. Stay tuned!

Today is my nephew Ryan's 5th birthday. Happy Birthday, little buddy. Saturday is my MUCH OLDER sister's birthday as well. I'll give her a blog post dedicated solely to her...much to her chagrin I'm sure!

Last but not least, I truly believe whole grain English muffins with Earth Balance (aka "healthy butter"ish) and strawberry jam makes my eyes glaze over with an intense pleasure otherwise reserved for fantasies of Edward Cullen. (Yeah, I just threw that name in there to send Tiff into a tizzy!)

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Tired of not being noticed?

Try the latest scarf fashion and you'll be the center of attention!

I'm getting you all one for your birthdays.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

You asked for it, you've got it....*UPDATED*

My professional picture taken Sunday...

Damn Curt, he could have airbrushed me to a size 10, couldn't he?

Oh well. I am who I am I guess.

So this will be on my website, and my business cards, etc. Realtor Julie. LOL


So I noticed I have 101 followers today. Yesterday, Cheryl at The Daily Blonde sent me to Ciara's blog and THIS POST on how to fix your followers issue. Thanks Cheryl and Ciara!!!!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Now hold on just a damn minute

I'm down to 98 followers? I had 102 this morning!

Who are the four people who broke up with me?

There is no dumping on 47 And Starting Over!!!!!!! Are you cheating on me with another blogger, is that it?

Geesh. I feel so rejected.

Who wants to be teacher's pet?

Now that at least 102 of you are reading my blog every day, I would feel bad if I didn't attempt to do something educational, and be a contributing member of society.

Therefore, I give you my Five Minute Management Course:

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor..

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of
my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients..'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Bonus Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


Happy Monday!!!!!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Sunday Rewind - Nascar Nation

Since Nascar has officially started it's season, I thought I would remind you all of my first experience with a Nascar race. Enjoy!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Sunday = Nascar Nation


Here are the words that come to mind in describing my first Nascar race. And no offense to my friends who love Nascar...aka Cheri and none of the following apply to you, except maybe the part about the driver's shirts.

1. Redneck hell
2. Mullet mania
3. Lots of tattoos
4. Not a lot of teeth
5. Rabid fans. And I mean rabid. Some actually foamed at the mouth.
6. EVERYONE has a shirt with a driver's name or number on it. Everyone but us, that is. I was feeling pressured to draw a #20 on mine just to fit in.
7. Tube tops on women who have entirely too much to tube.
8. The Deliverance music playing in my head
9. Long lines at the beer 8am.

It was a definite experience! Don't get me wrong, it wasn't was just different. I'm used to going to CART/Indy car races and people are not, shall I say, as "supportive" of their favorite drivers. LOL

My ex had gotten free tickets from his Sprint rep, and they were supposed to be the really good ones...suite and pit passes, box seats, etc., so we figured...what the hell. We left Columbus at 5am to drive over to Indy, got to the track at 8:30, and basically had 6 hours til kill until race time! Turns out, we did not get the good tickets, we just had seats in the North Vista which is the middle of turns three and four. Ugh. Probably would not have gone if we'd known that in advance!

There was a pre-race concert with the Charlie Daniels band and Craig Morgan, and that was interesting. Walked a lot, I'd say we logged about 10 miles on our tennis shoes. My legs feel it today, trust me. It was the one weekend day that I wished for clouds (usually I want it nice and sunny for the pool!) but alas...not a freaking cloud in sight, which meant it was VERY HOT all day. At least there was an occasional breeze. But it was a long and hot day and I was never so happy to get home and into a shower and bed.

All in all, I can say that I would never pay to go to another race like this, but if we got free tickets again that that were the good ones we were expecting, I would consider it. But sitting out in the masses, in the hot sun, and trying to find any place shady to cool off...not really my idea of a good time. But, if nothing else, it was great people watching!

Oh wait! I forgot the best story of them all! One of my Nesties just reminded me of it when she asked if I saw the girls flashing for beer.

Yes, I saw flashing.

There was this "hot mama" in her Daisy Dukes and teeny tiny tube top (if there is such a thing on a 300 lb woman) who attempted to bend over and kiss the bricks. Well, she bent over from the waist (bless her heart, I think she believed she could actually reach the bricks that way) and the view from the rear was scary enough for those of us who happened to be behind her, and I did not think it could get worse until the moment when her massive chesticles flew out of the tube top and hit the bricks before the rest of her did. Now, THAT was a sight.

Imagine that view....Bahama Mama is bent over, legs spread, Daisy Dukes riding up the crack of her 300 lb ass, and suddenly two massive boobs hit the ground between her legs.

Collectively about 300 people spewed beer all at once.

She, of course, stood upright and swung those bad boys around, since her top had rolled down around her waist anyway! I'm not sure if she was cooling them off from the brick burn or what.

Yeah, I can't make this shit up.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Crappy Friday Night, Busy Saturday, and Take My Picture Please!

Friday night was very sad.

My friend V lost her 21 year old daughter on Valentine's Day. V and I have been friends for a good twenty years now, and it just broke my heart to see this happen to her. The memorial service was last night, and the only good thing about it was that V was holding up really well, and I got to see some old friends I haven't seen for awhile, and reconnect with them. When V got up to speak about her daughter, there wasn't a dry eye in the house, including mine. Keep her in your thoughts and prayer for me, ok?

Today I have a very busy day, and I'm happy about that. I'm going to be working on my website too, so that will be good. And tonight is Bunco night!

And tomorrow I have an appointment to get my professional pictures taken for my website and business cards. I sure hope he's got good airbrush techniques.

Oh, and I need to book my flights to Myrtle Beach since I got my state tax refund yesterday. Hint Hint. Somebody needs to let me know her schedule!

What have you got going on this weekend?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Are you a real cowboy?

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

(Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to offend my lesbian OR cowboy friends or readers!!! I just thought it was hilarious...)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I have 100 followers!!!!!

And ironically, my 100th follower is someone quite unexpected, but welcomed. Thanks for stalking me, I don't feel so bad about butting into your life like I did! LOL

And as for the other 99 of you crazies, I promise to lead you into places you only imagined you'd go. That's what you get for following a wingnut like me.


UPDATED ~ The Kia has landed, and other updates you've been asking about.

Well, yesterday my son finally got a new car. New to least. It's a 2002 Kia Rio, bright red with grey interior (go Bucks! LOL He hates it that I say it's Buckeye colors!). It has 64,000 miles on it, and it's in fabulous shape. For $3,900 I think it was a good deal. And it's a stick shift which is what he wanted. Of course, teaching him how to drive that was a little hard on my nerves. LOL

Here's our new addition:

Now I don't have to worry about him being stranded in the Poo Wagon (aka 1990 Brown Geo Prizm) anymore. He's literally spent the past year having to bang the starter with a stick 50% of the time to get it to start. (And yes, after 3 starters, we figured out that wasn't the problem but it wasn't worth investigating what was!)

In other news....

I'm officially working with my new real estate company now, it's Keller Williams. Here's the tempory link to my website on their servers...after this weekend it should actually be what you get when you type in I'm going to spend time on the layout and design this weekend, this was just the default one I picked for now. My tag line "Different by Design" is reflective of the fact that, well, I *am* different (LOL, and not necessarily in a good way!), and also I'm hoping to tie in my day job working for an interior designer with real estate....I sell them a house, he decorates it for them! If we could tap into the clients we have that buy multi million dollar vacation homes in Aspen and Miami and Napa and all of those kinds of places, it could prove to be very lucrative for me! I feel really good about this move. I think I'm going to finally be able to make my way in this business.

Let's see...what else....I feel like I haven't updated in forever because I've been so swamped at work!

I haven't gotten my nose pierced. I still want to, and I certainly haven't ruled it out. Of course I still want another tattoo...I'm working on getting Penny to draw one for me. She is quite the artiste, and I would love having her work on my body. (Boy, that could be read several different ways!)

Many have you have emailed me asking about Vinnie. I have no idea what is going on with him. It's my understanding that he got pissed off at me for refusing to remove his post (to refresh your memory or for those newbies who have new clue what I'm talking about, click here. Make sure to read the comments, as this will all make more sense then.) Frankly, I did not feel it was fair for me to delete it because 80+ people left comments that day, and just because he didn't like what they had to say, didn't make me feel compelled to take it down and pretend it never happened. I warned him before I ever posted it that I was 99% sure the majority of my readers would agree that this was NOT the tragic love story he was trying to spin it into, and I was right. I will tell you all, though, that after that whole incident, I exchanged numerous emails with the other party involved, and there are definitely two sides to every story. But I am as sure as I can be that this is not a "con" situation. Somebody just needs a major reality check about his "relationship".

Regardless, I emailed Vinnie on several occasions in the aftermath, and he never responded so I quit trying. I have heard from many of you that he is no longer blogging. He has removed himself from being my friend on Facebook as well. As a very wise woman said to me today, you have friends for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. Enough said.

On that note, I'll leave you with a question to ponder...

If you had to name the person who turned out to be the furthest from your first impression of them, who would it be and why?

I think you know my answer.


Hey all, my friend Kathy posted that her husband's grandmother died. Go give her some blogging love, will you?

Also, remember to check in with Dr. Penny, she has a question for you all on her blog.

Last but not least...I have 99 followers! Who's going to be the lucky 100th????

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

In Loving Memory

Linda Reeg Greissinger
January 7, 1950 to February 18, 2004

If we could have a conversation today, it would go something like this:

Linda: Jewel, why are you so sad?

Me: Well, because you're in heaven, and not here. Duhhhhh.

Linda: Well if I were there, you know what I'd do to cheer you up...

Me: Oh hell no. You are NOT still doing that up there, are you?

Linda: Yes I am!

Me: (((groans loudly))))

Linda begins to sing...badly. The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun....

Me: No, stop! LOL

Linda: (((at full volume))) Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow! You're always a day away!!!!!

Me: Oh geesh, I thought you people up in heaven had angelic voices???

It's been five years, and yet sometimes it feels like just yesterday you sang that song to me every time I was having a bad day, and then it feels like forever ago that I sang that song as I eulogized you, because we were all having a bad day.

I could not possibly love or miss you more.

Love, your baby sister.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

It's time for sex.

Okay, let me clarify. "Sex" questions. Also known as...I have nothing else to blog about so here, answer these for me. What can I say...those who can, do. Those who can't...ask. LOL

1. If you could have one servant come to your house every day for an hour, what would you have them do?

2. If there was one thing relating to your love life that you could be blackmailed for, what would it be?

3. If you had to name the one thing that should turn you on but just never does, what would it be?

4. If you had to pick the worst sexual experience of your life, what would it be?

5. If you had to guess which person, among all your BLOGGER friends, is the most kinkiest in private, who would it be?

All of the usual Jules Rules apply. I know who you are, I know you read these, and if you don't leave a comment I'm going to come to your blog and tell all your readers that you're too shy to talk about sex with perfect strangers on the Internet. I have Analytics, and I'm not afraid to use them.

As for my answers, here you go:

1. That's a toss up between a massage, and hair & makeup. I think I'd go for the latter, because if I looked that damn good every day, finding someone to give me a massage wouldn't be that hard.

2. First of all, Cheri and very careful how you respond. Remember, I have material on both of you. OK, well let me think. Christ, the 80's were dangerous, there is SO much that could be used against me. Let's just say there were several times in that decade that I woke up with a fuzzy memory of the night before, and preferred to keep it that way.

3. Anyone doing anything near, on or in my ear. Ugh, I shuddered just typing that. I don't like having my ears bitten, sucked on, licked, kissed, and the absolute worst, having someone stick their damn tongue in it. OMG, that grosses me out. Stay the hell away from my ears.

4. Back in 1987, I dated some guy for about a month before doing the deed, and the night I finally did I was "overserved" at the local bar, so I wasn't exactly clear headed by the time we got home. We got undressed and got into bed, and I remember reaching down...and thinking "Did I just grab his thumb?" It wasn't until he moaned "Oh baby, yes..." that I realized "OMG, that's not his...OMG it is!" Yep,at full attention it was that small. Needless to say, I immediately stopped fighting the buzz and said "Screw this, I'm so going to sleep. That is NOT worth staying awake for". We never dated again.

5. You know, this is kind of hard to answer! Since Penny is my real life BFF, and I already KNOW this about her, I'll have to go with the wild cards. I'm torn between Deb (seriously, who did not see that coming?), Jen (just a hunch I have about her), Linda Lou, of course (she's my separated at birth sister), and I'm pretty sure Jaded has her moments as well. And then there's Jill and Darlene and Georgie, who act all sweet and stuff but I have no doubt there is leather and handcuffs in their closests, and I have to put Dana on the list just because if I don't, she will put a cap in my ass. The rest of you, I just didn't out you, but don't think I don't think it's true!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Weighing in on Octopussy.

Seriously, 14 kids?

Two thoughts come to mind. First, she's batshit crazy. I love kids too, but I was a single parent of one, and it was hard. She's a single parent of FOURTEEN now, and living on welfare and making California pay for her choice to have lots and lots of kids because she just loves them soooooooooooooooooooooo much.

The vagina is NOT a clown car.

Second, the doctor who helped this happen needs to have his license revoked. He should not have done it the 2nd time she came to him, still jobless, still living with her parents, still a whackjob, and wanted more kids. He did not do this for any reason other than the notoriety.

And yes, I think the State should step in and take those kids away from her. She has no business with eight babies. Hell she has no business with the other six she has at home either. Did you see the pictures taken of where those kids are being raised??? It's ridiculous. Filthy, cramped, and not inhabitable.

And last but not least....someone should tell that woman that Angelina Jolie called and wants her lips back.

What's your opinion on this situation?

PS...I am almost done with tax stuff and will get back to reading everyone's blogs and commenting hopefully by the end of the week! I see light at the end of the tunnel!!!!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

A touching love story

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Now, that's love.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

No raging heart on for me today....

I'm boycotting Valentine's Day. It's my first in 8 years without the ex, but I'm actually not all that bothered about it. Of course, it's only 8am.

Getting my living room/hall carpet cleaned today, then heading out to meet with my new real estate company and pick up signs for my listings. Woohoo! I'm really excited about that.

Went out last night for the first time in quite awhile, and met up with my friend Tammy who I haven't seen for probably two years. This is a picture of my BFF Elizabeth, Tammy and me at the bar last night. You'll be pleased to know that even though I had four drinks, and reaaaaaaaaaallllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyy wanted a cigarette in the worst possible way....I didn't have one. Yay me!

By the way, I really want to get my nose pierced with a very small diamond stud. I've always wanted to do that, and Tammy had hers done last year and I just kept looking at it last night and thinking "Dammit, I want that!" She's 45 and doesn't look like she's trying to be 16 with it....will I? I figure I can always take it out when I need to look professional for meetings and stuff, right? C'mon, give me some feedback on on this...

Off to start my day. For all of you happy couples, have a wonderful Valentine's Day with your sweetie. I really mean that. And I hope any chocolate he gives you goes straight to your hips. I really mean that too. :)

Friday, February 13, 2009

Beware of the Friday the 13th Virus!!!!

As a warning to all my bloggy friends, I am letting you know of a horrific virus that runs rampant on Friday the 13th.

The symptoms are as follows:

It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty.

It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.

It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank.

It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over.

It will put a dead aardvark in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Friday 13th Virus will make you fall in love with a penguin.

It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.

It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.

It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Friday 13th Virus will give you Dutch Elm disease.

It will leave the toilet seat up.

It will leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.

Friday 13th Virus will cause your cakes to fall and your blood pressure to rise.

It will increase the ability of your radio to pick up reactionary talk stations at the expense of others.

It prevents scurvy, but it gives you mega garlic breath as it does so, which makes the net results negative.

It cheats at Scrabble.

It can forge your signature.

It plays the bagpipes in your basement.

It shaves over your bathroom sink and then leaves the hair to clog your drain.

It does bad celebrity impersonations in front of your friends.

If you experience any of these symptoms today, immediately pour yourself something "on the rocks", and curl up on the couch with the TV remote. That always works for me...

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I'm sorry, what is your name again?

In case you don't know mine:

1. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother's & father's middle names) Lou Harold

2. MAN NAME: (first name of your mother's dad, father's dad) Ralph Oscar ~ don't laugh, if I'd been a boy I was actually going to be named Ralph Phillip (which is Oscar's middle name) and nicknamed...wait for it...Flip.

3. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 2 letters of your last name, first 4 letters of your first name) ReJuli

4.DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Black Bunny. Really, what detective do you know has a first name of any color besides Red maybe?
5. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you live) Denise Gahanna

6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite alcoholic drink, optionally add "THE" to the beginning) Purple Margarita ~ I think they sell that in the Caribbean don't they?

7. FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name) Jure

8. GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite cookie) Salty Caramel Chocolate Chip. Oh, come least Black Bunny was more appropriate here!

9. ROCK STAR NAME: (current pet's name, current street name) Gracie Iroqouis

10.PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on) Biddy Florence. Oh, I should get top billing with a name like that.

Now, tell me YOUR names.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My first official condom post.

I've never done a condom post! But I thought this was a riot and worth watching. Don't worry, there is no nudity involved!

The Best Condom Commercial Ever:

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Well, here's something to be proud of. Not.

This was not exactly my idea of publicity for my blog.

Make sure you read what's below the Bicycle Orgasm (which I have not been brave enough to click on yet), in this post entitled "Cycling for Vulvae". (Yes, I said Bicycle Orgasm and Cycling for Vulvae. That is not a misprint.)

Click Here

To each his own, you know? The difference between kinky and perverted is that one uses a feather, and the other the entire chicken. I certainly never intended for my Exercise Bike conversations to give anybody a hard on, but evidently it did.

I left a comment asking for reference to me and my blog be removed. We'll see if they do it.

I have to go take a shower now. I feel really dirty, and not in a good way.

Monday, February 9, 2009

One word? Seriously? Moi???????

OK so I get all these crazy fill in the blank things, but this one tops them all. I'm supposed to answer with ONE word. ONE word. How the hell do you expect me to be incredibly amusing or even mildly entertaining, limiting me to one word answers? Granted, I spent most of my married life talking in one words answers but that was because I was usually so pissed off at The Ex that one word was the only safe way to communicate.

Usually, that word was Fuckyou.

Anyway...let's see if I can do this crafty little thing that I am stealing from my sweet son's blog.

Here we go! One word, right? Hmmmm...I can do this.

Where is your cell phone? BesideMeOnTheTableWhereElseWouldItBe?

Your father? ReallyFarNorthAKAHeaven

Your mother? ProbablyLayingInBedWhereSheUsuallyIsInHerRoomInTheNursingHome

Your favorite thing? FridayAtQuittinTime

Your dream last night? LetsJustSayItWasWeirdlyIntriguingAboutJoeBiden

Your favorite drink? SomethingOnTheRocksAndAlotOfIt

Your dream goal? EnoughRealEstateTransactionsThisYearToPayOffAllMyBills

The room you are in? TheComputerRoomFormerlyKnownAsTheThirdBedroom

Your fear? AnythingBadHappeningToMyChild

Where do you want to be in 6 years? MarriedToMySoulMateAndLivingHappyHealthyAndWell

Muffins? BananaNutPlease

Favorite band? TheEaglesOrHeartILoveBothEqually

Favorite hobby? DependsOnIfI'mNakedOrClothed

Favorite show? ICantPossiblyNarrowItDownToOne

One of wish list items? TheAbilityToFitIntoSizeTenJeansComfortably

Where did you grow up? IHaventYetLOL

The last thing you did? FigureOutHowToGetAroundTheOneWordAnswerIssue

What you are wearing? MyReegUniversitySweatshirtAndAPairOfTommyBahamaSweatPants

Your t.v.? IsInTheLivingRoom?

Your pets? DriveMeFreakingInsaneAndWhenTheyDieIWillNeverHaveAnotherOne

Your computer? APieceOfShitMyExBuiltWithNoSound

Your life? OverallIt'sGoodAndImStartingToRealizeItsUpToMeToMakeItGreat

Your mood? ALittleCrankyALotLonelyABitHungry

Missing someone? MySisterLindaEveryDay

Your car? TheBaneOfMyExistenceForAMaximumOfTwelveMoreMonths

Favorite store? IDontLikeToShop

Your favorite color? BlackBlueRedPurple

When is the last time you laughed? ImReallyNotSure

Last time you cried? TodayWaitThat'sJustOneWord!!!!

Three people who email you? PennyElizabethDebJillOKThatsFourSueMe.

Three of my favorite foods? AnythingItalianMexicanorGreek

OK then! I did it! I answered everything in one word answers!!! Woohoo!!!

What do you mean I cheated? This quiz was brought to you via Jule's Rules. Remember, I am a celebrity now. I get to make shit up as I go.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

The tundra in Ohio is finally melting

The snow is going away, and we can see deer walking around again.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Finally getting caught up.

You know things were crazy yesterday. Paparazzi stalking me, People magazine calling me. Matt Lauer annoying the crap out of me because I didn't have time for Today. And the ladies of the View want me bad.

Celebrity just isn't all it's cracked up to be.

So I'm holed up in my house this morning, hiding out from the attention yesterday's front page news brought...and for the next hour or so, I will be reading your blogs and getting caught up. I feel so out of touch!

After that, I'm going to go check on one of my listings, I have a showing today on Chickadee so everyone say a quick prayer that we get an offer!

And then, I plan on having a fabulous Saturday. I don't have any particular plans, but these days I'm all about looking forward, moving forward, doing something every day that betters my life and pushes me towards my goals. So today is going to be a great day!

And I'll tell you all about it tomorrow!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Well, there are no papparazzi outside my door this morning, but...

We made the front page.


Thank God they airbrushed most of the wrinkles out.

PS...I *promise* to get caught up on your blogs this weekend. I feel so bad that everybody leaves me comments and nobody hears from me. I'm almost done with year end, and then life will get back to normal and I'll have time to put myself right back in the middle of all of your lives!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

What day, who's face and is sex involved?

Seriously, I slept so soundly that I woke up having NO idea what day it was. I laid there thinking...okay, can I go back to sleep, or do I have to go to work? And if I have to work, exactly what day IS this? Is it Friday yet?

What's with the waking up like you've been in a freaking coma? Is this a product of age, stress, nobody to keep me up at night...what?

And can somebody tell me why *everything* hurts when you get out of bed? My body literally creaks. It's like I've become a wood floor and somebody is walking on me. Hell my days of being able to sneak up on anybody are long gone. You can hear me coming from two rooms away.

And *where* does all the gas come from? You ladies know exactly what I'm talking about so stop laughing. I never used to be like this. My mother was like this though! She'd wake up, and toot all the way down the hall to the bathroom every single morning. And I would laugh, and think "I can't believe she just let's it fly like that!"

Well, I *could* do the same thing. I try not to, because I don't want to wake my son up. But damn, I'm like one big ball of gas when I get out of bed. If I let it all fly it would sound like firecrackers going off or something. What the hell causes that when you get older????

Oh, and seriously...I want my face back.

Whoever took it and replaced it with this blotchy, puffy, jowled, creviced, wrinkly, shopping bag sized bags-under-the-eyes, dark eye circled, weird red marks, doubled chinned lump of flesh with a sheet imprint on one cheek, needs to return it pronto.

I'm never going to get a date with the one you left it's place when you stole my youth real face while I was in the aforementioned blissful sleep.

Trust me, NOBODY wants to see this face looking up at them during sex...or God forbid, looking down. Seriously. Have you ever actually seen what you look like when you're on top, and you think you've got this sexy "Oooh, yeah baby" look on your face as you're bent over your man? Go lay a mirror on your bathroom sink, bend over it and look. You will never be on top again.

On top, you get the saggy face thing. On bottom, you get boobs in your armpits. There is no sexy position at my age. Well, maybe from behind. But you've gotta really be bent over far to stretch out the cellulite in your ass and make it look smooth.

Evidently, if I ever get laid again, it's going to have to be during a black out.

I'm going back to bed now. It's less depressing.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Screw that aging gracefully crap ***UPDATED***

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days , about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief .'

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.


By the way, don't forget to check out my son's blog...he's posted his own 25 Random Things...leave him some comment love, will ya?


I had a great interview with a new brokerage last night, and appears I am going to switch real estate companies! I'm very excited about this!!!!! Wish me luck!


I did not get to read everyone's blogs last night, and probably won't today. I'm really, really busy at work and working late every night so bear with me if you don't see me commenting for the next week or so. Once I get tax stuff to the accountant, things will slow down and I'll be back to posting real blogs and commenting on yours!!!!!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

And I wasn't even drinking before I went to bed!

So I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamed that my Dad and I were going on a ski trip to Banff, Canada. We had to make a 6:20am flight, and for some reason I didn't start packing until 5:30, so I was scrambling to get packed and get us to the airport when my Dad realized he didn't have a passport. I asked him why he didn't have a passport and he told me that even though I had gotten him that passport gift certificate for Xmas (??) he forgot to send it in, so he'd go do it real quick and meet me at the airport, and I was like "Dad, it takes weeks to get a passport. We're going to have to reschedule our trip". The airlines was nice enough to refund our money even though it was now 6:20 and the plane was ready to leave. So I called all my friends and said I wasn't leaving town after all....

And after that I woke up.

This is weird for so many reasons...first of all, my Dad died 4 1/2 years ago. I have never been skiing in my life, and to my knowledge my Dad never did either and we certainly never talked about going together. I thought it was funny that the flight time was very specific, and very strange that I gave him a gift card to get a passport!

I can usually figure out where most of my dreams come know how you recognize things in your dreams that maybe you thought of earlier in the day, or it parallels something that's happening in your life? But this one is a stumper.

What's the strangest dream you've had lately, and do you know why you dreamed it?

PS...I'm in high gear (busy) at work right now so I will read all of your blogs and comment on them later tonight!

Monday, February 2, 2009

25 Random Things About Me

OK so all of you on Facebook know this thing has been passed around by everyone. I decided to bring it to blogland today.

Here are the rules modified for our blogs:

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.. for Jule's Rules...I'm not going to tag individual people. MY rule is that if you read this, then Tag! You're it! So repost it on your blog and link back to me....and don't pretend like you didn't read it because I have Analytics, remember. I know who you can't hide.

Here's mine:

1. I'm left handed.
2. However, I only eat, write and put my makeup on left handed.
3. Everything else I do right handed...bat, bowl, throw, catch, sew, use scissors, etc.
4. I used to emcee a Male Revue.
5. I also ran Strip-A-Gram for a year.
6. My hair isn't naturally red. Or whatever color it is today.
7. I have two tattoos, and am more than ready for a third one. They aren't visible unless I'm on my way to naked though.
8. I sing in the car. Badly.
9. I hate birds with a passion. Alive or dead, makes no difference. They scare the crap out of me.
10. I almost broke my back bowling.
11. I have dated brothers. Twice. Hey, it was the 80's.
12. I was a damn good wife. I had this whole June Cleaver side that came out. I wrestled that bitch into submission though immediately after my divorce.
13. I've had fake nails for something like 20 consecutive years now.
14. I secretly long for a boob job. Not bigger...just up where they belong.
15. The wrinkles on my face scare me. (They probably scare a lot of you but you are too nice to say!) I'm saving for Botox and Restylane at least, and I'm not opposed to a face lift at all.
16. I'm glad I quit smoking...but I miss it sometimes.
17. I need a vacation. A *real* vacation. One where I can actually relax and leave work behind and not talk to the office, hear from the office, get emails or texts from anyone who works in my office, or think about the office.
18. I purposely don't answer the phone or text messages sometimes. I just don't want to talk. Actually these days, *most* of the time I don't want to talk.
19. If coffee isn't strong enough to pour itself into my cup, I have no use for it.
20. I'm so proud of my son, and I could not love him more. I look at him and know I have done something right in my life.
21. I miss my sister like you would not believe.
22. I can be reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally lazy. Like, not get off the couch for 8 hours except to pee and find snack foods.
23. I know I should exercise every single day, and yet I don't. Ever. Unless you count climbing on my roof and chipping ice out of my gutter exercise, in which case I've worked out for 3 straight days now.
24. I still dream of being a make-up artist. I never ever wanted to be in accounting yet here I am.
25. I had nothing else to blog about today because right now, my life is all work and no play.

Happy Monday, kids!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Sunday Rewind

Yep, it's my day off, so I'm recycling my exercise bike posts from September. Enjoy!

Conversation with the Exercise Bike...Part I:

Bike: Psssst....

Julie: (looks around to see who's Psss'ing her)

Bike: Hey, lard ass...

Julie: (looks at bike) Oh hey, dust bunny. What's up?

Bike: Clearly not you.

Julie: Wow, pretty smart for something that just sits there spinning it's freaking wheels and going nowhere.

Bike: Get over here and get on me.

Julie: (wishing for once, something that wasn't mechanical would say this to her)

Bike: Mount me. I want you now!

Julie: (hearing that infamous "boom chicka wow wow" porn music)

Bike: I'm serious. Come here, sit on top of me. Move your legs and hips, and start breathing hard.

Julie: (sigh....if only....)

Bike: Hello? Is anyone there? Julie? Why are your eyes glazed over? Get back here! You do not need a cigarette now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Conversation with the Exercise Bike - Part 2

Bike: Psssst....

Julie: WHAT????

Bike: C'mere honey.

Julie: Do NOT talk to me like that.

Bike: I've got a little sumpin sumpin for ya...

Julie: No you don't! You don't fool me! I know what you want me to do!

Bike: Yeah I do, baby. C'mere...come to Daddy.

Julie: OMG. You did not just say that.

Bike: Sit on Daddy's lap.

Julie: OMG! Leave me alone! Pervert!!!!!

Bike: You know you want to. You've been looking at me all night with that look in your eyes.

Julie: Oh, for the love of...Schwinn. Stop with the come on's already! I'm NOT interested!

Bike: You want some of this hard steel, you know you do.

Julie: Hard steel? How hard?

Bike: We'll take it slow, I promise.

Julie: Are you sure? Because I'm inexperienced...I haven't really done this much.

Bike: It's just let me take care of everything.

Julie: Mmmmm....I'm on top, right? Gee, I was never good at this position. Don't look up, ok?

Bike: Come on baby...ride me hard. Hard and fast. You can do it...

.........20 minutes later...........

Julie: Wow, that was really fantastic. I had no idea I was so good at it!

Bike: Way to burn rubber, baby. Look at my smokin tires. You da bomb.

Julie: Yeah, I'll bet you say that to all the girls.

Bike: Same time tomorrow?

Julie: Uh hey, this was fun but let's not rush anything. I've got a date with Wii Fit tomorrow. He's really got a lot more to offer....more positions, more ways to keep me interested. And I get bonus points for endurance.

Bike: You'll be back. He can't give you what I can. I have a built in fan!