Saturday, January 31, 2009

Talk about a Power Lunch!!!!!

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said "I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?"

Angelina Jolie agreed. "I'm told I'm the most gorgeous woman of them all,but sometimes I wonder."

Brad Pitt added "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed."

They decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking Mirror Mirror on the Wall to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world!"

Brad jumped up and said "Congratulations! And you are indeed looking at the Sexiest Man Alive, according to the Mirror."

But Angelina Jolie lifted her sad, gorgeous face and said in a somewhat pissed off voice...

"Who the Hell is Julie?"

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. LOL

Friday, January 30, 2009

Welcome to sunny, warm and lovely Ohio....

Dear Diary

Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Ohio. It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is truly God's Country.

Oct. 14 - Ohio is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.


Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Ohio. I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here.


Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!


Dec. 21 - More of that white shit coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. Do you know how hard it is to shovel snow that is up to your knees??? I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.


Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap?? And can somebody plow my patio so the dogs have a place to pee?


Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??


Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the shithead actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6 already this season.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food and a damn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard. It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of shit into fireplace wood when I had the chance.


May 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow shit.


May 10 - Sold the car, the house and moved to California. I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken State of Ohio.


Thursday, January 29, 2009

A mid-life career change.

OK..not mine. Although after the month I've had at work, I'm about ready to. I need my real estate side to kick in and generate some income so I can pay off bills and then if I decided somewhere down the road to change jobs (or move to a warmer state!) I could afford to take a paycut to do something I love.

Anyway...that's not the point of the blog. Here's the point:


A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."


Thanks, Sandi. I don't know how in the hell you even find time to read this stuff, let alone forward it to me, but I appreciate the laughs!!!!

I promise, I will get back to more personalized blogs, and less joke'y ones, as soon as I get the year closed and stuff to the accountants. Right now I'm too busy at work to be creative or funny.

Wait, I am actually creative and funny when I'm not busy, right?

Oh, by the way, my son got home from Chicago safely yesterday. His flight was delayed two hours but he managed to get home after all. I was surprised, with all the ice and snow I figured he'd be stranded another day. I'm sure he'd have *hated* that. LOL

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Joining the Interview Bandwagon....

Yep, I've been interviewed and I know you are all just dying to read it. So thanks to my bloggirlfriend (that's my new word I just made up, like it?) Binks , I submit her burning questions and my direct yet witty answers.

1) My friend Shelle says that it is bad manners to talk on your phone in the bathroom. You recently wrote that you are never without your iPhone, even in the bathroom. What exactly are you doing on the iPhone in there? What is the last application that you added?

Well, it's true that I never go anywhere without my iPhone. My sister gives me shit about this constantly. "Why do you have to have that thing with you every second of the day?" The short answer is...because I can! Usually in the bathroom, I check mail, or I may be in the midst of a text conversation with someone and frankly, they can't hear you peeing via text so it's not really "rude" to engage in the two activities at once. Although I have been known to actually pee while talking on the phone to my BFF Elizabeth, but she does the same to me so we're both fine with it! Just pretend I'm standing near a waterfall if it bothers you. Oh, and the last application I added was "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". I love trivia anything. And, I want to be a millionaire.

2) My sister is 49 and divorced. She is looking to start dating too. Do you have any pointers for her and where the hell do you meet men?

Oh honey, I am NOT the person to take dating advice from! The last time I went out on more than one date with someone, I married the guy and we all know how well that worked out for me. And you've seen the kind of men I attract on dating sites, so trust me, this question is better posed to my friend VegasLindaLou. She's doing much better being divorced and dating than I am! I want to be her when I grow up.

3) Jill seemed to think that people would be interested in shoe sizes. What size shoe do you wear? How many pairs of shoes do you have and approximately how old is the oldest pair of shoes in your closet?

Hahaha...I don't have shoes, I have foot yachts. My feet are a size 11. (Hey, I'm 5'9", give me a break!) If flip flops count as shoes, I probably have 60 pair in my closet. If they don't, then I have about 30 pair of actual shoes. My oldest ones are about 10 years old, they are sandals that I can't bear to throw out!

4) As I mentioned before, my sister is single and has been divorced for 15 years. I bought her a sex toy for her birthday once. What is the strangest gift you've ever received? Did you like it and do you still have it?

Wow, I have to think about this. I've never really gotten any strange gifts. (But if anyone wants my address, email me. I'm open to accepting them!) I guess the strangest one would have been a fire extinguisher from a guy I was dating. I don't know if he was trying to tell me I was too horny, or just making me prepared in case of emergency, but he didn't last long after that.

5) Dating is hard. Dating later in life seems extremely hard. Can you tell us about your best date ever? How about the worse? How about the most embarrassing thing to happen on a date?

It's funny, I really don't have a "best date" that jumps out in my mind. I'm sitting here actually wracking my brain trying to think of one! I can tell you my worst date easily. About 6 months after my divorce, I attempted to go out on a date with some guy I met on the Internet. He seemed nice enough, so I agreed to dinner at PF Changs. The guy showed up, and clearly his profile picture had been taken about 100 lbs ago. He had on this very 70's brown cordaroy jacket, and when he took it off he was actually wearing SUSPENDERS. I'm thinking already that I'm going to eat and run. So we sit down to dinner, and the waiter takes our drink orders and he says "Well, I rarely drink...so I'll just have a double Grey Goose on the rocks". Huh? FIVE double Grey Gooses later, I'm thinking gee, I believe what he meant to say was "Well, I rarely drink...less than a bottle in one sitting". He ordered three appetizers and proceeded to eat 99% of them by himself, he ate all of his dinner and what part of mine that I didn't eat, and as I'm sitting there thinking "Thank God the meal is over and I can run", he orders coffee and desserts. Two of them. And again, eats most of them. And during the meal, I find out that he had been in prison for two years for trafficking something out of Amsterdam (it was a mistake you know, he didn't really do it, his ex-wife set him up) and he has no credit and is driving a rental car for some reason he couldn't really explain...and at this point I'm about to do the "bathroom ditch" thing! Finally the long excrutiating meal was over, and he wanted to walk me to my car (which I politely refused) and he tried to grab me and come in for a kiss, which I completely ducked and twirled out of! I shook his hand, said thanks, and ran....and I have not dated since!

So there you have it. Now I believe the rules of this game are that if you want to be interviewed by me, leave me a comment and tell me. Unfortunately, because I'm so damn busy with work right now, I do not have time to do individual interviews but I will have a general list of questions ready! So let me know if you want to be interviewed by me!!!!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Awwww...I'm famous!

Check this out. VegasLindaLou blogged about me today. Well, not totally about me, but at least I'm the basis for her post!

Isn't it funny, how in this bloggy world of ours, we "meet" new friends who immediately become old friends? I have a list of several of you (and you know who you are) that I feel almost as close to as my true life real best friends, and yet I've never met any of you...yet. But I feel as if we've been friends forever because I not only read about your lives on your blogs, but we email each other as well, and in some instances we instigate the Cell Phone Tree when one of us posts a scary blog and sends the rest of us into a panic so that we start calling you and each other to make sure all is well! (Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, Miss Myrtle Beach)

I cannot wait to meet every one of you. I truly can't.

Why you should always check your child's homework.

Here's what can happen if you don't check you child's homework. This is the homework paper that was submitted:



Here's the reply the teacher received the following day:


Dear Mrs. Allen,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture does not show me dancing around a pole. It is supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Jacobs


Monday, January 26, 2009

I'm good with the one liners, and in other news....

First, these made me laugh. So I'm making you laugh too.


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

In other news....

I'm on Day 21 of no smoking. Cravings are for the most part totally gone. The habit is almost broken, although I sometimes forget I'm not smoking anymore and have actually put my coat on to go outside for one!

Don't forget Penny's Blog. If I'm going to get healthy this year, so are the rest of you, dammit. I can't live to be 100 without you guys, who the hell will laugh at my dating misfortune?

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Due to lack of interest, today has been cancelled.

I am in no state of mind to blog. I've been up since 4:15, and I'm just having a tough day. (Shit, it's 5:45am and a bad day already? This does NOT bode well for the prospect of a good Sunday, does it?)

Is it hormonal? Am I depressed? I don't know. I cried for an hour until I could no longer breathe in a horizontal position and had to get out of bed.

Nothing bad has happened. I think I'm just stressed from working a lot, I'm adjusting to my day to day, hands on job as a Mom being over and my baby adult child no longer needing me, and frankly, I'm really lonely. I hate being almost 48 years old and single. I need companionship, and not the kind that you get from girlfriends either. I have plenty of friends and family who love me. I just miss being in love, and having someone love me back. I don't mind being alone, but damn I am lonely.

Jordan is having a great time in Chicago. He started a blog of his own (the apple doesn't fall far from this tree, eh?) so click HERE to read it. I'm his first follower...go figure.

OK kids, I'm going to go drink some coffee, read the paper, and try to get my shit together. This day HAS to get better.

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OK you have to look at THIS. It's Jordan's MySpace page. Look at this collage of pictures of him and his girlfriend Stephanie. They've basically been best friends for several years now, so the first 4 pictures are ones of them as friends over that time period, the 5th picture is from Prom last May, when I think they started thinking maybe they were more than friends, and then a current one of them as boyfriend/girlfriend. What I love about this, is the quote underneath, which if you don't recognize it, it's from the end of When Harry Met Sally, when Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal are talking about their relationship and how they ended up married. It's one of my favorite all time movies, and I had no idea it was on Jordan's page until now. It describes him and Steph perfectly. Dammit, I'm crying again! LOL....but at least it's happy crying because it makes me happy to see my son this way.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

The Empty Nest

I just got back from putting my son and his girlfriend on a plane to Chicago for a 5 day vacation.

I'm crying. I cried kissing him goodbye. I cried watching him go through security. I cried on the way to the car. I cried on the way home. And here I sit....still crying.

Nobody tells you, when you bring that bouncing little baby home from the hospital, that 18 years later letting them go out on their own is one of the hardest things you will ever do.

I have always known where he was, and what he was doing. I've always had some false sense of security in thinking I had control over things...that as long as I knew he was travelling from Point A to Point B, he would be safe because I *knew* where he was.

He's now boarding a flight to Chicago, and I'm not in control of this. So I have a message to someone else...

Mr. Pilot of United Flight #331, you have my life in your hands. Take care of him. He means everything in the world to me.

As for everyone else, just please keep my baby in your thoughts, that he's safe in his travels, that he has a great time, and he comes home, happy and healthy (and probably tired!) to his Mom.

And keep me in mind too. Remind me that you guys have been through this with your kids and it didn't kill you to let them grow up and go out on their own. Because right now, I feel a little sick inside. And a whole lot empty.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

This is why you don't take men shopping.

I received this email yesterday, and it made me laugh out loud. I don't know Dana's husband Joe, but for some reason I'm convinced it's him.


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.

Dear Mrs. Smith:

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Smith are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least.

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

We respectfully request that during your future trips to Target, you ask your husband to wait at Lowe's.

Sincerely,

Steven Dixon
Manager

OMG, the visuals kill me. I am meant to marry a man like this. LOL

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Coming Friday....the first Bachelor of 2009!

You know I can't give up my Bachelor Blogs. There are entirely too many dysfunctional men out there who give me great material!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You'll love *this* guy.

OK doing the picture tag thing....

OK I'm supposed to find my 5th album 5th picture and post it and explain it...

So here you go:



This is my sister taking my mother a ride on the quad runner. I think this was last summer (in 2007) so my Mom would have been 83 at the time.

Obviously it turned out okay as Mom is still alive and Sue Ellen didn't kill her by rolling the quad or something ridiculous like that.

If you read this....tag, you're it. Post your 5th album/5th picture and tell me about it.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

It's not only a historical day, but a birthday as well!

It is a day, like many before us, where someday, somebody will say "Where were you the day Obama took office?" I know where I was the morning of September 11th, I know where I was the minute news broke that the Challenger had exploded, I know where I was the moment I heard John Kennedy Jr's plane went down, I know where I was when a jury made the mistake of pronouncing OJ "not guilty", and I will always know where I was and what I was doing on January 20, 2009.

I am taking the rest of the day off from blogging to listen/watch the Inauguration events today. I will either have a TV at work, or be tuned in via the Internet all day long.

I'll be back tomorrow when President Obama begins his first full day in office!

Oh, and by the way...it's my BFF Elizabeth's birthday today. She doesn't have a blog of her own for me to send you to for birthday comments, but she does manage to read my blog so feel free to leave them for her on mine. Just to let you know more about her, you can read about her HERE and HERE TOO.

How special is she that she gets a new President for her birthday?????? She *always* gets the good men. LOL Happy birthday, babe! Love you!

Monday, January 19, 2009

OK, I'll play the ABC Game...and you should too!

Yeah, I'm this hard up for blogging material. So I give you...The ABC Game.

A. Attached or single? Can't "divorced" be an option to check? I hate "single". I'm 47 years old, for God's sake. It makes me sound like an old maid. At least saying "divorced" tells the world at one point in my life, somebody loved me enough to marry me!

B. Best friend? Yup-3 of them. The best girl friends that I could ever ask for!

C. Cake or pie? If chocolate is involved...both. If not, probably pie.

D. Dog or cat? Dogs, two Yorkies. Gracie and Griffin.

E. Essential item? I don't go anywhere without my iPhone. Even the bathroom.

F. Favorite color? Black.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Neither. I am not a Gummy Gal.

H. Hometown? I consider Logan, Ohio to be my hometown. I was born in Portmouth but moved when I was 9 to Logan, and that's where my good memories are.

I. Favorite indulgence? Monthly massage.

J. January or July? July definitely. January is my month-from-hell because of closing year end.

K. Kids? Jordan. He's my child, but he's not a kid anymore.

L. Life isn’t complete without? My family and friends.

M. Marriage date? September 20, 2003.

N. Number of brothers and sisters? 3 sisters, no brothers.

O. Oranges or apples? I like both but right now I'm on an oranges kick.

P. Phobias? BIRDS. Alive or dead.

Q. Quote? "If I looked like Halle Berry I wouldn't need a man. All I'd need is a candle, a glass of wine and a full length mirror."

R. Reasons to smile? I get a pretty good laugh out of most of Deb & Jill's comments. They are every bit as warped as I am.

S. Season of choice? Summer.

T. Travel dreams? I love anywhere there's ocean and sand. But I want to take a cruise this year, and ultimately go the usual places like Paris, London, somewhere in Ireland, and naturally, anyplace tropical.

U. Unknown fact about me? My clothes hang in my closet all facing to the left, and by color. Oh, and by style. Shirts, then sweat shirts, then jeans, then other pants, then within those styles they are grouped by color. I know, I know. Don't even say how weird this is.

V. Vegetable? Other than the "normal" ones, I love artichoke hearts. And brussels sprouts.

W. Worst habit? I can be verrrrrrrrrrrrry lazy.

X. X-ray or ultrasound? Well I haven't had an ultrasound since 1990 and don't foresee ever having one again (at least not regarding a baby!) so I guess X-ray.

Y. Your favorite restaurants? Buca di Beppo, Outback, Old Bag of Nails...depends on type of food!

Z. Zodiac sign? Aries

Sunday, January 18, 2009

How far will a condom stretch?

OMG, this is hilarious. Don't worry, it's rated PG.

video

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Seriously? Still no water?

I'm so fucking sick of this.

Still no goddamn water. Fucking pipes. Fucking cold ass weather.

I have a little cold water moving now, but no hot. So I can flush the toilet but still can't take a shower in my own home. Or do laundry. Or run the dishwasher.

I am not in a good mood today. I want a cigarette so fucking bad I could scream.

I think I need to stop blogging for today before I offend everyone.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Pay attention peeps...there is a new blog I want you all to visit.

Yes, this is my 2nd blog post today...make sure you read the first one too!

Anyway...

My BFF (or at least for the past 30 years!), and resident Naturopathic Doctor, has finally joined the blogging world.

Her name is Penny Steward, and you need to know her.

Her blog is Penny's Wellness Solutions. I want you to click on that, go visit her right now, and bookmark her site. She has valuable information that every single one of us needs to hear. Please follow her, show her some bloggy love and support as she joins us on this venture, and of course, let her know I sent you. I can't have her thinking she's my *only* friend, for heaven's sake. LOL

Seriously, you'll love her. I sure do.



Um, mine doesn't look like this....

you are dirty Pictures, Images and Photos

Of course it hasn't been turned on in awhile so maybe it does and I just haven't seen it all lit up.

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Day 11 of No Smoking. I've kicked the nicotine habit, but the sugar addiction is killing me. Do you know that tobacco is treated with sugar to keep it fresh? That's the hard one to get over. I'm constantly hungry right now.

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Sorry I haven't been commented on your blogs. I've been so swamped at work that I just haven't had time to get caught up. I'll be doing lots of reading over the weekend and commenting then!!!!!!!!!!! Once I get all my year end stuff done (probably the middle of February) and things slow down, I'll be back to keeping up with ya'll.

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Don't forget the Six Degrees board. It's taking off with all our new members!

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This freaking single digit cold weather needs to go back wherever it came from, and take the freaking 6" of snow with it. It's 10 BELOW right now at 8am. My pipes have been frozen since 11pm last night. I can't shower, brush my teeth or flush the freaking toilet. I am NOT happy this morning.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

This could be the funniest kid story ever....

OK so one of my best friends just calls me to tell me this story....

Evidently her friend took her 4 year old grandson to the zoo Monday, right? Everything is going great, they're walking around, having fun, boy's got his backpack with his snacks and stuff in it....life is good.

Suddenly the little boy disappears, and they can't find him. Frantic search ensues. Boy finally comes running back up to Grandma and he's like "Grandma, we have to go home". She asks why and he won't tell her, but he's adamant that they have to leave, and they have to leave now. Dragging her towards the exit adamant.

So on the ride home she's trying to get him to tell her where he disappeared to, and he won't answer, won't talk, just sits staring down at the backpack on his lap, not speaking or moving. She's really getting scared now, thinking something bad has happened to him, like someone molested him while he was gone or something.

They get home, she calls his Mom to tell her what's going on, meanwhile the little boy is like "Grandma I have to take a bath. Now. Hurry please". So she's really concerned now, that he is feeling "dirty" and he seems to be almost panicking in his need to get into the bathtub. So she runs the bath, he gets in, and she goes back downstairs to call his Mom back and say "Get over here, something is really wrong".

Grandma walks back upstairs to check on him, hears him just giggling to beat the band in the bathtub! Walks in...and finds that he had stolen a baby penguin from the zoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn't that the funniest thing you have ever heard?????

They have no idea how he got the baby penguin, and he won't tell them, but he knew it needed to be in water and that's why he was so intent to get home and in the bathtub so fast! I guess they had to call the Zoo and say "Uh yeah, we have something that belongs to you!"

Guess he saw Happy Feet and took it a bit too seriously!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Questions for the games of life and love....

Since I'm so short on blogging time these days, I'm going to take some extreme short cuts and do blogs based on questions that I find interesting.

So you'd better leave me comments with responses, or I will track you down. You know I can do it. No, I really can...don't tempt me.

Here we go...I want answers, peeps.

1. If you could have chosen your own first name, other than your current one, what would it be?

2. If you had to lose one of your five senses, which one would you give up?

3. If you could possess one supernatural ability, what would it be?

4. If you could have avoided living one year from your past, what year would it be and why?

5. If you could "unknow" one thing you know, what would it be?

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Here's my answers:

1. Actually I don't mind my first name however, if I had to change it I'd probably be Jillian. Or Julia. Or Julianne. Something that makes me sound cute. LOL

2. Geesh. I guess smell. Taste would be my 2nd choice.

3. Ooh, I'd want to be invisible!

4. Hands down....2005. The entire year sucked from the first day to the last. My marriage blew up and took every one of my hopes and dreams for the future with it. 2004 was really bad because I lost my sister and my dad, but at least there were some good times in between. 2005 was just fucked up all year long.

5. I wish I didn't know how much being cheated on hurts. I will never, ever do that to anyone. I'd never done it before, and was pretty sure I never would, but now I know for sure. I will never hurt another human being that way, either by cheating on someone I love, or putting myself into someone else's relationship and hurting an innocent person.



Tuesday, January 13, 2009

How many of you belong to (and post on) a Message Board?

OK kids, listen up.

How many of you belong to a message board of some sort, and actively post on it? Boards like that are a great way to meet and get to know other people, especially if they have a common theme or interest. For example, I belong to The Nest, which is the board all us married women went to after our weddings (we all met on The Knot). There are a few of us who have since divorced but still remain active on the board.

So here's the thing. I own a message board called Six Degrees. Basically, it's just the premise that we're all related somehow right? Friends of friends, family, you name it. My board was an offshoot of one that dealt with the Sweet Potato Queens a few years ago, but when I started my own I didn't focus it on the SPQ's, and just opened it up to women who wanted to talk to other women about the same things we all deal with...husbands, kids, in-laws, weight, exercise, lack of sex (nobody ever bitches about having too much sex, trust me!), and everything else you can imagine.

Since I started my blog, I've been really lax about my own damn board, and today I was thinking about disbanding it. Then I realized...

I have tons of female readers, we all have the aforementioned crap in common, so why not have a place we can all talk at once? Or whenever we want to? It's sure a heck of a lot easier than trying to communicate back and forth between comments on each other's blogs!!!!!!!!!!!!

So...let me invite you to the Six Degrees Board. Click on that link, register and come in and post. Let's see if we can't get a really fun place created for all of us women to talk! I'll approve you as soon as I get your request to join....so c'mon, let's get started! No topic is off limits, and it's private except for members so your husband's ex-wife's cousin can't stalk you there!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and guys, I'm not trying to discriminate here...you're welcome to join the board as well. I just don't envision a lot of discussions you'd be interested in but you never know!!!

Well, this sure gives me motivation to date!

I have been there, done this. Oh, and don't give me that look like it's never happened to you! I know better!!!!!!

The Eight Phases of Dating (brought to you by Mingle2)










Oh yeah. Been there, done that.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Got got got got no time....

Wish I had time to blog today. I don't. I'm swamped at work.

I hate it when reality interferes with my fun time.

Back when I can. Might be tonight. Or tomorrow.

Why I can't I blog with my mind? That would be so much easier....

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Sunday Rewind and a Question of the Day

From April 2008, with a few additives from today...

My taste buds, they are a changin'

Funny how when you stop eating a whole lotta junk...you stop craving a whole lotta junk. And when you stop smoking, you really don't crave cigarettes all that much. And, you smell better.

And funny how good simple things taste. Mandarin oranges, for example. Mmmmm. That was like a little party in my mouth a few minutes ago.

I can't wait to hit my first 10 lb. mark. I'm thinking about buying myself something for every 10 I lose, but I don't know what that would be, because that would turn into a collection of sorts and I don't collect anything but damaged men evidently. LOL! Or maybe I should just do something nice for myself. Maybe a pedicure every time. Or a massage. Any ideas?

Day 6 - No cigs. Thought the weekend might be tough but it hasn't been bad. Friday night I'd have sacrificed a limb at one point for one, but I white knuckled through it. The rest of the weekend has been okay. It really is more breaking a habit than anything else...


Now, for my question of the day....

If you were to select a moment when you were convinced an angel was watching over you, when would it have been?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Husband Down!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

Friday, January 9, 2009

TGIF....aka Thank God I'm Functioning

I don't have much time to post today so this will be fast....

1. Was out of the office all day yesterday being The Grinch Who Uninstalled Christmas. (We do Xmas decorating at client's houses and I ended up having to take one down yesterday) It was the biggest freaking tree, like 14', with at least 200 ornaments on it. Undecorating was literally an 8 hour job. A job which my back did NOT appreciate. Needless to say, I went right home, had a Vicodin/Muscle Relaxer cocktail and spend the evening on the couch with the heating pad.

2. Thanks for the support on my nonsmoking kick. I haven't had a cigarette since Monday night, when I smoked my last one during the final minute of the Buckeye game. I couldn't help it, the stress got to me! But it was the last one in the hidden pack in the freezer, so there are no cigs left in my house nor will I buy any more. I've quit smoking before, so I know I can do it again. I smoked from age 15 to 25, quit for 6 years and then started up again after Jordan was born. I quit again when he was about 8 and started learning about cigarettes in school and came home one day and told me I was doing drugs and needed to stop! So I did...for another 7 years. Then I started going through my divorce and picked up the smoking habit again, when I'd be awake at 4am, sitting on the front porch rocking and drinking coffee and wondering what hotel room my husband was shacked up in at the time. So, now that all that trauma is finally behind me, it's time to quit again.

3. That being said, I'm not going to swear I will never smoke again. I can guarantee you that some day, when I'm out with the girls and we've got our drink on, I'm going to want a cigarette. And I'm okay with that. One or two on the rare occasion I go out partying is acceptable. Daily smoking is not.

4. I laughed at the comments about cutting a straw to cigarette size. We used to do that to my Dad when he first went into the nursing home with Alzheimer's. He had smoked for something like 60 years at that point, and he was constantly asking for a cigarette, so we would cut straws that size and give him one, and he's smoke it just like it was the real thing. And bless his heart, he never realized it wasn't a cigarette.

5. I'm sorry I'm not keeping up with everyone's blog posts right now, this has been a crazy week for me. But I will catch up and comment this weekend, so bear with me!!!!

Gotta run, have a great Friday and for those of us in Ohio expecting 5-8" of snow tonight...be safe!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

OK kids, I need your help. I mean it this time. No, really.

I'm gonna need you to keep me from going postal.

That's right...because I'm quitting smoking. and working on my health.

I figured if I put this out there for the whole freaking world to see, I'm less likely to fall back into the old habit because too many of you will catch me. I have family and friends who read this blog every day, and they'll be ratting my smoky ass out if they smell it on me, or see me sucking on a Camel Menthol Light. (sob...I'll miss you, old friend).

Thing is, I don't smoke that much. Hell, I don't smoke 2 packs a week. Do the math, that's about 5 cigarettes a day. During the week, I never have one until around 11am when Amanda and I go outside at work and have one, and then we usually do it again sometime after lunch, say 2'ish. Then I'll have one before I head home, say 6pm or so, and then maybe one or two in the evening. On weekends, it's virtually the same thing. The only time I smoke more is if I'm drinking. You know the two go hand in hand.

But 5 cigarettes a day is doing just as much damage as a pack a day.

Dammit, I watched my sister die, a painful, slow, horrible death brought on by a massive stroke. She was overweight (me too...check), smoked (check), drank (check, although I don't drink nearly to the extreme that she did), didn't exercise (check), had elevated cholesterol (check), and the only difference between us is that she had high blood pressure and I don't. Although mine is higher than it used to be, but "high" for me is 120/80 which is most people's norm. Hell, I was 9 months pregnant and had gained 70 lbs and my BP was still only 98/52. I've always had low BP.

Anyway...

I have a goal. Just one. And it's very simple.

I want to be alive, and healthy, for a very long time to come.

I want to see my son become a successful director. I want to love his wife and spoil my grandkids. I want to still be active and strong when I'm 80, not bedridden and in a nursing home.

My immediate family tree has people dying of cancer, heart disease, heart attacks, strokes, Alzheimer's, colon cancer, etc. With my lifestyle, I'm a prime candidate for every single one of these things.

And I don't wanna die like they have. I want to live.

So here's the deal. I won't bore you with this every day, I promise, but I ask that if you notice I'm not mentioning anything about how I'm doing with not smoking, eating better and exercising...CALL ME OUT ON IT.

Because trust me, I have the ability to dodge and evade down to a science! You would be amazed at what kinds of bad behaviors I can hide. I'm a regular Criss Angel with my sleight of hand techniques. (I suck at levitating though.)

It's actually kind of sad...I just read over this and thought to myself...do I really want to put this out there, and let all of my readers and blogging buddies watch me fail? Isn't that sad to think that I just automatically tell myself I won't be successful??? Boy, this girl needs work not only on her health, but her mental health as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, I've come up with my first plan to combat cigarette cravings! When I'm at home, and I find myself dying (literally) for a cigarette, I'm going to jump on the exercise bike and pedal until the craving goes away. I figure that's a win win situation...I'm NOT smoking, and I'm exercising all at once! Good idea, right? And to take that a step further, at work when I crave one, I'm going to take the stairs to the basement and back up here to the 2nd floor. Again...getting exercise instead of lung cancer.

I can do this. I know I can. And at the end of this year, when I have lost an Olsen a nice chunk of weight, and am exercising regularly and feeling pretty damn full of myself for looking hot at 48 years old...

I will pull a Kirstie Alley and post a picture of me in a bathing suit on here.

I'm not shitting you.

In fact, I'll go as far as saying I will post it REGARDLESS, so either we are all going to be high fiving me for how fucking fabulous I look at the end of the year...or we'll all be mortified and laughing hysterically at my bovine body in a bathing suit.

Only I would have the balls required to make a threat promise like this.

It's too late, I have gone insane. Especially since I just hit "Publish Post". I can't take this shit back now. Oy vey!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Welcome to Julie's Month-From-Hell

So yeah, January sucks for me. It's my job to get the prior year closed out and prepare everything for the accountants.

Which means I basically move into the office for about 30 days or until I get it all done.

I'm probably not going to be blogging every day unless I manage to do one at night, and I may be recycling a few from earlier last year when nobody knew me. Hey, they'll be new to you guys then, right?

Oh hey, guess what? My realtor boss has been forgetting for oh, a year now, to send me bills he's gotten on my behalf for dues from the various Realtor boards. Yesterday I finally got a bill for $1,500 that's due right away or I lose my license!!! AND, I forgot to mention that some stupid shield piece broke off of my car last week (underneath it) that I have to fix to the tune of $300. Oh and that followed having to replace my garage door opener for $275 and fix the garbage disposal at my rental property for $170 both two weeks before Christmas.

So my month-from hell started early this year.

I'm thinking that in order to raise money to pay off these bills, I'm going to sell my body. I only need $2,300 to cover these. I can do that, right? Granted, I may not get the $2,300 all in one shot for an hour with a babe like me, but I'm thinking I can get $1 twenty three hundred times right???????????????

Who said "wrong!"????????? I heard that!

Oh well...

By the way, today is, or would have been, my sister Linda's 59th birthday. Her husband would have gotten her yellow roses, so I want to make sure she gets them today...



And Happy Birthday as well to Captain Jimmy Buffet. (That's buffet as in food, not Buffet as in Jimmy the singer) I hope the disco ball on the boat is swirling madly, and you get plenty of food-as-fuel in yourself today!!!!! Make Phyl-Lease do something nice for you tonight. And by nice, I mean naked.