More Texts From Last Night. I can't help myself.

Don't worry, I won't post the really disgustingly hilarious nasty ones, even though they bring tears to my eyes. I won't let my blog get that down and dirty!

Here you go, some of my recent favorites. Enjoy!


(406): we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

(870): I look better un-naked...

(313): sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
(1-313): but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.

(585): She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
(585): Aren't divorce parties fun?
(1-585): You and I have very different definitions of fun.

(281): I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy

(215): Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
(610): Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.

(407): Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot

(520): But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

(850): JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

(860): And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds

(704): I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
(803): Genius.

(253): I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
(281): No. Just liquor. Time's no good.

(812): If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

(770): If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day. (Julie's Note....Deb? Does this work?)

(405): I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...

(317): when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single

(913): Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

(813): I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?

(662): Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
(780): I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

(908): Are you okay?
(508): Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.

(972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

(570): I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better

(347): Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service. (OMG, I can't believe I just posted that. But it made me laugh out loud.)

(404): Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again. (OMG! I can't believe I posted that either!)

(416): Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.

(360): is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
(503): Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?

(281): i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy

(618): for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.