Sunday, November 30, 2008

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny: "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued:

"He'd still be alive today if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along."


Still not feeling bloggish today. I've got that sneezing/runny nose/congestion/chills crap that's going around, and I really don't want to do much other than lay on the couch, and that includes sitting at the computer.

Trisha, I'm sorry I have to miss your baby shower but I don't want to run the risk of giving you my germs (or anyone else for that matter). Have a wonderful day, and I'll bring your gift to Bunco, ok?

Everyone else, happy Sunday. I'll be back tomorrow to catch up on your blogs, and to actually write an interesting one of my own!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Sometimes you feel like a blog....

Sometimes you don't.

Friday, November 28, 2008

A quick note about Christmas

My dear friends and family,

Somewhat embarrassing to admit but Christmas will be tight this year.. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below.

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....

These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags.

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.

Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each
one of you.

Happy Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends.

May your stuffing be plenty
May your turkey be plump
May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
May your pies take a prize
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs.

Thinking of you at Thanksgiving and wishing you the Happiest Day!

I feel very blessed this year, to be able to write a post such as this, and thank all of my readers friends for enjoying my blog enough to come back every day, read it and leave me comments! I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving, and as you count your blessings today please say a prayer for all of our servicemen and women who aren't with their families today, but are standing guard protecting ours.

Love to all...

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Who wants this for Thanksgiving dessert?

C'mon, it's a brownie! Who doesn't like chocolate???

And no, I did NOT make this. It's from Cake Wrecks, one of my favorite blogs that makes me laugh every day.

The Bachelor of all Bachelors

Well, let me start out with his profile picture.

Nice looking guy. Brown hair, glasses. Wearing a tux. Looks like a happy guy!

Here's his profile:

You may have seen me already, I was the Amber Alert Hero that rescued the 4 kids from their step Grandfather in August of 2004. That was a great time being in the spotlight but it is very opposite as to how I really feel, I am somewhat shy and quiet till I get to know someone. I go out of my way to help anyone I can. I love to laugh and smile and love to make others laugh and smile as well. My fault in life is that I am too nice to everyone which makes me easy to get taken advantage of. My Favorite moves are love stories followed by an action flick. I am a former Marine that is confident. I would love to excercise more but find it boring to do it alone. I am usually quiet until I get to know you but then I can be very funny and outgoing. I try to not make the wrong impression all the time so I come across I have been told a little stodgy or a stick in the mud. I respect everything and everyone, I love animals especially dogs of any size.

I am looking for that special lady that I can spoil, she needs to have a big heart like my own. She needs to be able to communicate and share everything with her partner. She needs to enjoy life. She needs to treat others with respect and is very even tempered. Easy to get along with.

If you are that one special lady please give me a chance you won't be sorry.

In his "About Me" stuff, he says he's a business owner, loves to shop, go out to eat, movies, riding his Harley, taking his classic car to car shows, etc.

Sounds good so far, right? My kind of guy!!!!

There are two more pictures.

The first one is him standing in front of the tree made famous at Pebble Beach Golf Course in California (I forget what kind of tree this is but it's on their logo). Great picture...ocean in the background. This one was taken September 27, 2003.

The next picture is of him and a beautiful lady dressed in costume from back in the day in old Venice...long dress, hair piled high...taken at the Venetian Hotel by the gondola ride in Las Vegas on September 22, 2003.

Now, you may be wondering why I know the dates of these pictures. It's very easy to explain.

They were taken on my wedding day and my honeymoon.

The profile picture? My husband, in his tux, taken at our wedding on September 20, 2003. Taken, in fact, about 2 minutes after we walked down the aisle and were waiting for our guests to come through the receiving line. He looks very happy. (And was.) He had just kissed me seconds before, and the photographer snapped a picture of him looking adoringly at me. (Let's all collectively gag...)

The other two pictures were taken on our honeymoon. We flew to Vegas the night we got married, stayed two days and then rented a convertible and drove to LA and up the coast to San Francisco. Best trip of my life. Happiest time of my life for sure.

And he's using those pictures to meet other women.

You know what the really absurd part of this is? It's this...I am looking for that special lady that I can spoil, she needs to have a big heart like my own. She needs to be able to communicate and share everything with her partner. She needs to enjoy life. She needs to treat others with respect and is very even tempered. Easy to get along with. SERIOUSLY? You had that, you stupid fucker. And you fucking blew it to stick your dick in someone else's wife. FUCK YOU. I'm pretty sure you already met and married a woman like that. I don't think you will be that lucky twice, pal. In fact, I *know* you won't.

Needless to say, I am passing on this one! I just wish there was a way to put a warning label on his profile to save the rest of the women in this town.

***Disclaimer**** This is not a new profile for him. He's had this online since shortly after our divorce but it was inactive for the past two years. I just noticed yesterday that it said he was active in the past 24 hours, so either he's rejoined and reactivated his profile to find dates, or he was looking to see if I was back on! Regardless, it still pisses me off that he uses our wedding pictures on a freaking dating site, and everything he wants in a woman is everything he had with me.

****Added Note**** I guess I have a lot to be thankful for this year, don't I?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Coming tomorrow...a Bachelor you do not want to miss.


I'm officially getting out of the dating pool. It's not safe with a shark like this in the water.

Disorder in the Court

The following are from a book called Disorder In The Courts - things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the car impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


I had to update to add my friend Rhiannon's comment as well!!!

This is hysterical! I hear the craziest things in Court. Actually, yesterday I had a great one!

Judge: When you broken in and robbed that house, how much money did you get away with?
Defendant: None
Judge: None?
Defendant: None. If I had gotten any money I would have hired a better attorney. (While pointing at his public defender)

Nice huh?

Monday, November 24, 2008

Anyone looking for a Wii?

A friend of mine bought the Wii console and a Tiger Woods game, total $300. He never opened either, just decided he didn't want the Wii.

If anyone is interested, I've got a couple of days to sell it for him, otherwise it goes back to Best Buy.

Wanna see my new toy?

Look what I got this weekend!!!

Ooooh yeah baby, my very own Keurig home brewing system!

I first saw this at my cousin Mary's house when we went to Washington in early October. I was fascinated by this new toy! Now, I'm pretty much a coffee snob, I have professed to liking my Starbucks Caffe Verona in the past, so this comes as no surprise to any of you. And the thing is, I tend to make my coffee really strong. I mean, really. It can pour itself into the cup. No lie. So I've always avoided these type of machines because you really can't control the strength of the coffee and it's usually too weak for my taste.

However, I soon found out that these darn things brew a pretty good cup of coffee! Especially the Extra Bold coffees, or the Dark Roasts. Yummo. And having the ability to make one cup at a time really works for me, because I usually only make coffee at home on the weekends, and even then I rarely have more than one cup. I tend to drink more at work than I do at home. So this way, I figure I'll save money on coffee, which ultimately the machine will pay for itself.

And the biggest reason I bought it was that not only was it $25 cheaper than anywhere else I'd seen it, but it was a bonus deal that rather than just coming with 18 pods of came with 90!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, 90! I won't have to buy coffee for 3 months if I drink it every day!!!

I love new toys.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

No, I haven't seen the movie! And by the way....

I cannot believe how many times this weekend I have been asked "Have you seen Twilight yet?"


I just read the book yesterday, for heaven's sake! In between watching the Buckeyes kick Michigan's ass, and laughing at Jesse zooming all over my house in his walker, I read the first book. I'm starting on #2 today.

At some point, I will see the movie. I promise.

And by the way, it deserves noting that I am....

FREE AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!!

As of 5pm on Friday, my ex is no longer involved in my business. He does not have access to my computer network at the office. Therefore, for the first time in 8 years, I do not have to assume worry that my email is being read or that my whereabouts online are being tracked! I actually have privacy!!!!!!! I can compute without fear of repercussion or reprisal! You have NO idea how good that feels.

I have effectively severed all ties with him now. We have no reason to be in touch with each other. Well, I have no reason. He sent me an email saying in part:

im still in the fight...

no bailing here...

Ah but a good marine retreats, regroups and attacks again...

So I guess only one of us has gotten the memo that we are through.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

It's "Beat Michigan" Day!

3 hours and 35 minutes til kick off of The Game.

For those of you who don't live in Ohio, that's the rivalry game between Ohio State and Michigan.


I get to babysit my little cougar bait buddy Jesse James today. So I am sure I'll have plenty of pictures to post tomorrow!!!

So what's your big plans for the weekend?

Friday, November 21, 2008

Bachelor #10 - Shoot me now.

Well, you asked for it...a Bachelor update. So here is it. Don your crash helmets.

I proudly present Bachelor #10.

Here's his profile:


I don't really understand this because his headline is "One Of These Days". No clue what song that is...nor do I plan on investigating it!

The best part (or worst!) is his response to what his ideal first date is.

Wait for it...

Wait for it...



Ugh. I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Even funnier, under "Do You Drink?" where your options are no, socially, or often (more than 3x a week), he marked Often! Ya think???? I'm pretty sure he had a few under his belt when he wrote this profile!

So of course I have a few comments and questions:

WHERE WE CAN SIT WITH SEVERAL SPIECES OF SMALL FURY ANIMALS - OK wait, is this supposed to be "pieces of small furry animals" (ewwww!!!) or "species" or does he really mean fury as in the poor little things are pissed off to be there? I'm confused.

GROOVE ON A PICT,AND AFTER WE CAN GAZE INTO ASTROMONY DOMAIN - how does one groove on a pict...what exactly IS a pict? And astromony? Is he dyslexic?

SO WE CAN'T BREATH AND TIME IS OF NO IMPORTANCE - I really hate to point out the obvious, but if I can't breathe (not breath!) time is very important!

ST. TROPAZ - Is that a goldish brown island? Oh wait, that's Topaz, not Tropaz. I assume he means St. Tropez? Wanna take bets he pronounces it "Saint Tropezzzzz"?

WE COULD LISTEN TO SHAMUS SING A FEW NOTES - Is Shamus a person? Or are we listening to Free Willy serenade us from the ocean?

FIND OUT WHATS BEHIND THESE BLUE EYES - I'm betting they are a nice shade of bloodshot red. Seriously, dude. Drop the bong before you start posting profiles.

THANK YOU IF U DON'T GET ANY OF THIS AT ALL I MAY NOT BE FOR U Have I mentioned how much it annoys me that someone not only types in all caps but is too lazy to type "you" instead of U? I am not a University.

THEN GO BACK TO MY PLACE AND BALL - I have no words for this. Honestly. Who puts this in a profile where they are really trying to meet nice women? Not that so much of his profile isn't already wrong on SOOOO many levels, but this is just the kicker.

OK single ladies out there...I'm gonna pass on this one so he's up for grabs! Who wants him?????

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Coming tomorrow - Bachelor #10. I'm drowning in the dating pool, folks.

The good news is that I get my fair share of emails from eligible bachelors.

The bad news is there are really, really, really good reasons why these guys are eligible.

Stay tuned.

Let's talk dirty.


Please go to my friend Darlene aka Travel Girl's blog and wish her a very Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, onto the smut talk.

These made me laugh out loud...and frankly gave me a reason to look forward to Thanksgiving just to hear pornographic talk!

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving But Aren't:

10. Talk about huge breasts...

9. Whew, that's one terrific spread...

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

7. Don't play with your meat!

6. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

5. You still have a little bit on your chin.

4. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

3. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.

2. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

...and the number one thing that sounds dirty but isn't....

1. Everyone knows that tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. (And I can verify this is true!) (DON'T ASK)

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Ponderable Thingies

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

and last but not least...

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Cheater Cheater

Let's see if I can make this work:

I love Joey & Rory!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Interesting Key Words

So I was analyzing my Google analytics, and discovered that in the past month, the following were the top key words used to find my blog.

"47 and single again blog julie" - Okay, I can see how one might search for me this way!

"can i start over at 47" - Well sure you can...and again, I can see how one would be directed to my blog with this.

"absurd internet dates and slimeballs" - Somebody's been reading the Bachelor series.

"rev. jay scott newman" - Who the hell is this? And what is it about him that leads a person to MY blog? Now I've done like 249 blog posts so far, and I'm not going to pretend to remember them all, but I am 99.999% sure I have never posted about the good Reverend Jay Scott Newman.

"what do you do for a living" question dating - OK, if I ever actually have a date, I'll ask this.

"no good white trash ho" - You know, I'd take offense to this except that I know it comes from one of my favorite cheating husband songs "Cheater Cheater" that I blogged about months ago. Evidently there are a lot of women out there who have lost their husbands to women like this, because this song search comes up in my key words all the time!

"bbw ass butt" - I beg your pardon? This particular phrase being searched on the entire World Wide Internet brings you to MY blog??

"boob" - see "bbw ass butt" above. I guess I should feel special.

"bounty paper towels" - Well at least somebody committed my Must Have's to memory.

"seek cougar" - Oh, come to Mama, honey. Don't be shy. Rawrrrl.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Watch this!

Go to Deb's blog and watch us dance!!! How freaking funny is this??? Thanks for making me a star, darlin!

PSA for men (I'm looking out for the guys these days!)

Guys, I gave you words you should memorize that women say, and now I want to make it clear what PMS really stands for. Take note.

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4 Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my personal favorite

13. Potential Murder Suspect

You've been warned. If you choose to piss a woman off during this time, do not expect me to visit you in the hospital or identify your body at the morgue.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Sunday Rewind

Yeah, yeah,'s 7:45pm and I'm just now getting my Sunday blog posted! My computer has been fucked up since yesterday afternoon...I was getting some lame ass error message after I rebooted as instructed for a Windows update. My ex has taken care of all my computer needs for the past 8 years (he was good for *something*) but obviously I could not call him and whine about it. So I took matters into my own hands, looked the freaking error message up on the Internet via my iPhone, and figured out what the error meant, how to start the computer in safe mode and fix it, and voila! Here I am!

So here's my Sunday rewind post about 12 hours late. Sue me. It's about a dream I had back in April...

Friday, April 11, 2008
Oh, and....

I have a lot of weird dreams, and most of the time I remember them and can analyze them to the point of knowing why I would dream a particular thing.

However, last night I dreamed I was married to Danny Bonaduce.

No clue why I would dream that. I didn't see him on TV or anything last night before I went to bed. I don't have any deep seeded attraction to red haired, steriod fueled raging men with anger management issues and bad skin. And I was far more into David Cassidy during the Partridge Family years.

Yet, there was I was, Mrs. B last night. (Because being "Mrs. B" worked out so fucking well for me the first time around) (For those that don't know, my married name started with a B...I wasn't married to Danny Bonaduce before!) Fortunately I woke up before we consummated the marriage. LOL (too bad *that* didn't happen last time!)


By the way, my boss just signed us all up for the Race for the Cure. I won't be racing, but I'll be walking my way towards the finish line! It's on May 17th and I'll be walking in my mother-in-law Jennie's honor. As some of you know she's dealing with four different types of cancer right now, one of them being breast.

It's a 3 mile walk. I just hope my back holds out!

I'll be back tomorrow with a real blog. Not sure what yet, but I'll make something up if I have to!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Nine words women use regularly

And men need to memorize these....

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying Screw YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Friday, November 14, 2008

This is why I am not a fan...

...of organized religion. I shall keep my comments about how I feel certain religions are akin to cults, to myself...

S.C. priest: No communion for Obama supporters
Friday, November 14, 2008 12:27 PM

COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) -- A South Carolina Roman Catholic priest has told his parishioners that they should refrain from receiving Holy Communion if they voted for Barack Obama because the Democratic president-elect supports abortion, and supporting him "constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil."

The Rev. Jay Scott Newman said in a letter distributed Sunday to parishioners at St. Mary's Catholic Church in Greenville that they are putting their souls at risk if they take Holy Communion before doing penance for their vote.

"Our nation has chosen for its chief executive the most radical pro-abortion politician ever to serve in the United States Senate or to run for president," Newman wrote, referring to Obama by his full name, including his middle name of Hussein.

"Voting for a pro-abortion politician when a plausible pro-life alternative exists constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil, and those Catholics who do so place themselves outside of the full communion of Christ's Church and under the judgment of divine law. Persons in this condition should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation."

During the 2008 presidential campaign, many bishops spoke out on abortion more boldly than four years earlier, telling Catholic politicians and voters that the issue should be the most important consideration in setting policy and deciding which candidate to back. A few church leaders said parishioners risked their immortal soul by voting for candidates who support abortion rights.

But bishops differ on whether Catholic lawmakers - and voters - should refrain from receiving Communion if they diverge from church teaching on abortion. Each bishop sets policy in his own diocese. In their annual fall meeting, the nation's Catholic bishops vowed Tuesday to forcefully confront the Obama administration over its support for abortion rights.

According to national exit polls, 54 percent of Catholics chose Obama, who is Protestant. In South Carolina, which McCain carried, voters in Greenville County - traditionally seen as among the state's most conservative areas - went 61 percent for the Republican, and 37 percent for Obama.

"It was not an attempt to make a partisan point," Newman said in a telephone interview Thursday. "In fact, in this election, for the sake of argument, if the Republican candidate had been pro-abortion, and the Democratic candidate had been pro-life, everything that I wrote would have been exactly the same."

Conservative Catholics criticized Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry in 2004 for supporting abortion rights, with a few Catholic bishops saying Kerry should refrain from receiving Holy Communion because his views were contrary to church teachings.

Sister Mary Ann Walsh, spokeswoman for the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, said she had not heard of other churches taking this position in reaction to Obama's win. A Boston-based group that supports Catholic Democrats questioned the move, saying it was too extreme.

"Father Newman is off base," said Steve Krueger, national director of Catholic Democrats. "He is acting beyond the authority of a parish priest to say what he did. ... Unfortunately, he is doing so in a manner that will be of great cost to those parishioners who did vote for Sens. Obama and Biden. There will be a spiritual cost to them for his words."

A man who has attended St. Mary's for 18 years said he welcomed Newman's message and anticipated it would inspire further discussion at the church.

"I don't understand anyone who would call themselves a Christian, let alone a Catholic, and could vote for someone who's a pro-abortion candidate," said Ted Kelly, 64, who volunteers his time as lector for the church. "You're talking about the murder of innocent beings."

Ridiculous. That's all I am going to say, anything else will get me in trouble.

Here he is...Bachelor #9 (***UPDATED***)

His name is....Harry*. (*all names are changed to protect the innocent)

His profile reads:

Love God very mutch so if you are not a christian dont believe we will work been their done all the wrongs in life now want mutch more so be safe God bless again
if u y a h oo
harley pop hawg their

Now, I feel kind of bad for the guy. I won't post his picture here because I got a bit of flack last time for posting the Motel 6 security guard's mugshot photo in my blog, so I will just do my best to describe him.

He is standing next to his mother in this picture, and she appears to be very short and very large, so I'm guessing him to be about 5'7" on a good day.

He weighs about 70 lbs. Soaking wet. With rocks in his pockets.

He has hair down to his shoulders, partially balding on top and attempting a combover, and I'm not sure if his hair is greasy, or just loaded with product, or hasn't been washed since the 80's or what wet, but it's disgustingly gross a tad unattractive.

He has a porn star 70's mustache though. I think this might be where the hair on top of his head landed when it fell off.

And I would venture to say these pearly taupes whites are dentures because this guy clearly can't afford veneers, and whatever these are, are way too big for his mouth.

Now, everybody takes a bad picture once in awhile. But he's just really not my type.

But God love him, he sent me an email.

Helo! Wana talk? (Complete with the little emoticon of two smiley faces kissing)

Oh, sweetie. No. Not without a lot of rope and some choloroform.

I red your profil and Its reallly funny. yOU are a great girl and watta catch for som lucky man.

....who won't be you, Larry. Er...Harry.
I have a grate rellatunshp with God and i bet yu do do. you look like a Good christain women. bet I do do? OK well of course, especially if I eat a lot of fiber. Oh, and what picture gave me away about my good Christianship...the boob shot the other guy liked so well? Or the one of my and my girlfriend celebrating her marriage with shots of Tuaca? And wait...I look like I'm "women"? Dude, I may be the size of both Olsens together, but cut a sister some slack here, will you? How rude.
I have a lot of expreiences to share with a beutiful woman suchas your self.

And those are experiences I fully intend to live without.
Rite me back and meet for coffie or taco bell. my treat pretty lady.

Wow, um...well...geesh. Taco bell huh? Do I have to order off the $1 menu or can I go wild and get a Gordita?
Cant wate to hear from you! Love, Larry

Start the timer, Harry.


Listen, I am really not a cruel person who is making fun of these poor bachelors. While they aren't my type, I'm sure someone out there is looking for her true love, and this particular guy might be it. I apologize if anybody thinks that I'm a really awful person for doing the Bachelor Series of posts. I'm just trying to show what's out there in the dating world! It *is* depressing to be 47 and single again, and having to go through this, trust me. If you've got a husband/wife at home, or are in a committed relationship....consider yourself lucky. The dating pool sucks.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Coming tomorrow - Bachelor #9. And he's a keeper. NOT.

Yes it's true, yet another "interesting" one has found me to be a catch. Tune in tomorrow for another episode of "As The Stomach Turns".

I got a new job!

As many of you know, I work for an Interior Design firm as a Controller on a full time basis, but I am also a Realtor on the side. I just made the change to a new firm which I think will really be a good move for me!!!! Everybody is so friendly, and business is really booming! The pay is great, and I get to have lots of fun at work, although my knees hurt already.

Here's the company photo. Obviously I'm not in it yet, but I'm sure I will be in the next one....

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Baby Pictures

I got the link to my son's Senior Pictures today.

And yes, I cried.

I can't believe my baby is so grown up. I scanned through them, each one bringing a new tear, as I thought about him as a baby, as a toddler, as a teen, and now just a month short of legally being an adult.

The pictures are great.

I am not going to post the link here but if you'd like to see them, email me and I'll proudly share the website with you.

Wednesday Question of the Day

But first....

My dogs, keeping warm in front of the space heater. This is how they sit all the time, you'd think their fur would singe sometimes, they are so close!

Went to the hospital last night to see my MIL. That was fun. She was sleeping, and my ex was sitting in the room by himself. I tried to make conversation, and all I got was the one-word answers....



How's she doing?


Has she been sleeping long?


Is she in a lot of pain?


How was Vegas?


Are you just going to be an immature, nasty, bitter asshole forever?

(Oh wait, I think I just *thought* that last question. I am pretty sure I didn't say it out loud!!!)

So then, he sat there in the ONLY chair in the room, while I stood in high heels, waiting for his mother to wake up. Never offered me his chair, never asked if he could get me a chair, nothing. What a dickhead.

She finally woke up and I visited with her for just a few minutes before it was time to go (she's in the SICU and visiting hours were over at 8). He said goodbye to her, and stepped away from the bed, so I got up close and kissed her and said I'd be back tomorrow...and turned around and the ex was gone. I walk out into the hall and he's hauling ass as fast as he can to the elevators! OMG, it was hysterical. I have never seen him move that fast except when he was running from his mistress's husband!!!!!!!!!!! He was almost in a full sprint, to get to the elevator and on it before I had the chance to catch up and heaven forbid ride the same car down a floor with him. It honestly made me laugh out loud. What a tool.

Oh, but then, he sat in the parking lot in his truck and watched me drive away. Maybe he was just trying to catch his breath from running.

Too funny.

OK, on to the topic of today's's my question of the day.

Would you accept 20 years of extraordinary happiness and fulfillment if it meant you would die at the end of the period?

Think about that for a minute. I'll let you know my answer later....

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Must haves and have nots ***Updated***

Yesterday's post about my preferences in a man got me to thinking, what are my must haves and my have nots? And not just when it comes to dating.

We all have things we prefer, or insist on, even when it comes to grocery shopping, right? I'm not immune, I have my Must Have's....

Bounty paper towels - anything else is a waste of my money. And I prefer white, instead of those cutesy little decorative ones with grapes and leaves and whatever else the season represents.

Angel Soft toilet paper - again, white only. I don't need flowers on my TP to feel feminine at that particular moment. White does the job just as well and it goes better with my bathroom. There's nothing floral in my house, kids. (Except Vinnie's roses which still look gorgeous!)

Hellman's Mayo - there is nothing else to buy. I don't get the Miracle Whip people, I truly don't. I'm sure there are some of you out there, but's good mayo that's been watered down with milk and sugar. Yuck.

Starbucks Caffe Verona coffee - I'm a coffee snob. I admit it. I don't do the cheap stuff. My morning ritual is Caffe Verona, with whatever flavored creamer I am currently hooked on. Right now, it's Italian Sweet Creme. Yummo. It's like sex in a mug.

Bottled water - must be Natural Spring. Not of this purified, reverse osmosis shit. I want my water to have everything it's made with naturally, nothing added and nothing removed. I prefer Fiji as it's the closest thing to perfect you can get. But it's pricey to be healthy.

Diet Pepsi, Caffeine Free - no exceptions. I will only buy Coke if Pepsi products aren't on sale and Coke is really cheap.

I have specifics on laundry detergent, dog food, soy milk, etc, but figured you are already bored reading this so I'll move on to my Must Haves and Have nots in Men! gosh, how do I narrow it down? I told you yestrday a couple of my preferences, but I'll list a few more here...

Must be taller than I am - I'm 5'8" (I used to be 5'9", not sure if I lost an inch because I no longer have 80's big hair, or if gravity is pulling everything south, not just my boobs) and I have not ever been, nor will I ever be, attracted to men shorter than me. I like 'em big! I'm 6' tall in heels, and even though I don't wear them often anymore, I still want my guy to be taller than me when I do. I'll settle for a 6 footer, but that's about the shortest I'll go. Now, that being said, it's like everything else...if he brings A LOT to the table, I could probably be persuaded to overlook the height thing to a point. But he's gotta have a whole bunch of other attributes that I can't live without!

I have issues with "old breath". Come on, you KNOW what I mean by this. There's that smell that comes from someone who's either very unhealthy, or just aging quickly on the inside, that smells "old". I can't describe it any other way. And trust me, I have met 45 year old men with this problem. I can't get past it. It reminds me of a nursing home...I've been dealing with nursing homes with my parents for 9 years now, and trust me, there is nothing about it that's a turn on. So I can't be with a man who has old breath and reminds me of that scenario. This is my big concern with "Irving". He's pushing 60 folks. He may be a very young 58, or he may not be. But one date with him (should he ever actually respond to my email!) and one sniff of old breath, and he's history.

I have a problem with teeth, too. Now, I'm not expecting every man to have a set of Hollywood Straight & Whites, but I need to see evidence of dental hygiene. My teeth are not the straightest ones in the world, but at least when I smile they don't look bad. Just don't crawl inside my mouth and look too closely...there's plenty of crowding on the bottom and a couple of crowns that need repair! But as I said yesterday, I broke up with a guy who had a dark spot on his front top tooth, and it drove me insane. I was actually embarrased to be seen with him, as I felt it was a refection on me. (Yes, I am *that* shallow...we've established this already!) Sure, he could have had it capped, and we might have had a great life together, but for whatever reason, I didn't stick around long enough to have that conversation.

I don't want to deal with bitter, bitchy ex-wives or ex-girlfriends either. We all have baggage, and some with accessories as well, but I'm not dragging my dysfunctional ex into this, so keep yours out of it as well.

Oh, and the absolute deal breaker...if a guy has cheated on anyone before, at any time in his life, he needs to walk on by and get out of my line of vision quickly. By the time I got engaged to my ex, I had found out he'd cheated on both his wives before me. He of course, swore it would never happen with us, he'd learned his lesson, he wouldn't hurt me like that...blah blah blah. And we all know how *that* worked out for me. The stories I could tell you guys about my completely dysfunctional marriage and divorce. Honestly, you'd think I was making it up. Anyway...back to the subject...NO man who's cheated before needs to even talk to me.

Speaking of my mother-in-law is having surgery to remove part of her lung right now as I type. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers today. I will be going over to the hospital this afternoon or this evening, and will probably run into him, so keep me in your thoughts as well, that if I do run into him...I have the sense to throw it in reverse, back up, and do it again. LOL

Monday, November 10, 2008

Yes, I am that shallow.

Some of my faithful readers emailed me yesterday about my comment of NOT dating someone because of his name.

I'd like to set the record straight.

Yes, I am *that* shallow.

Now, that being said, let me just say that "Irving" :::shudder::: would not get kicked to the curb on the sole basis of his birthname. He would have to have a few other things that annoy me as well. But in his case, "Irving" gives him a check mark in the negative column. I can't help it, I have issues.

I broke up with a man who was great to me, great to my then 5 year old child, and who gave me my first G-spot orgasm (I didn't even know such a thing existed!) pretty much because he had a dark spot on his front tooth that bothered me.

Yes, I am *that* shallow.

I am completely turned off by a man's feet, specifically there is nothing worse to me than those big hard yellowed toenails that I lovingly call "pteradactyl feet". I think that's why I've almost always dated men younger than me. It avoids that issue. If I dated you, and early in the relationship you took your shoes off and have those toenails...we'd be broken up before your shoe hit the floor.

Yes, I am *that* shallow.

I am not going to defend myself on these issues. I like what I like. I can't help it. It's the same reason I don't like skinny men. I like my guys to have some husk to them. Some substance. I don't want to feel like you're going to get blown away by the wind as we walk down the street, or that side by side we look like the number 10.

And I need a hairy chest. Although this would not be a deal breaker for me, but it's certainly my preference. It's a well known fact that my ex's chest was the main thing that attracted him to me in the first place when we met. He had chest hair peeking out from the neck of his golf shirt and I could tell there was a lot there...and it intrigued me enough to continue dating him and eventually sleep with him, just to see it. I wasn't disappointed. I will say to this day that the main thing I miss about him is his chest!

Oh, and arms. I'm a bicep girl. I don't require big, body builder biceps (in fact body builders completely turn me off), but you gotta have some guns, baby. (Again, this falls into why I don't like skinny guys...they usually have equally skinny arms) I can be totally won over with nice arms and a hairy chest.

See, if Irving has those two things, his name won't matter! But I can assure you, if he has flabby arms, and no chest hair...he's history.

Yes, I am *that* shallow.

Oh, don't look at me in that tone of voice! Every one of you reading this has deal breaker issues with tell me what they are!

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Possibility #1 Part 2

OK, so he responded to my response:

hi Julie,

Just got up and nice to find your email. I like questions, give fuel for conversations.

Ok..first...I will make you matzah ball soup one day, if you like. It's just chicken soup with these soft doughy things that are round and easy to make in it. It's not an issue that you have experienced it, just as I hope that I can make it isn't one.

Wow...a hemi...nice. Yes, GT Mustangs have a 4.6 V8 engine. So it's got some get up and go. Many moons ago I had a 68 GTO, now that car had real varooming power...a 6.5 liter engine. Where do I drive a little fast?..too many Knock on tickets in over 10 years. Course I've been stopped in my other car a Suzuki Aerio SX. Still no tickets. It's only got a little 4 cylinder, but hits 95 pretty easy and hugs the road at 30 That's my work car for my traveling sales job. I sell sports equipment and uniforms for teams to retailers.

BB is a nickname given to me by my brother, when I came home from the hospital. He couldn't say "baby." Corny huh? When spelling my nickname for friends in H/S, I just wrote BB. I use it for business. Real name is Irving. I think I have finally grown into that name at my age now.

Gee Real Estate. I have my RE license too. It's been held by the Commerce Div for over 4 years now, as I don't practice. As a matter of fact, I am supposed to have 30 hours of CE by the middle of next month and have 0. I am planning to just let it lapse. It's a long story, but I went into RE back in 2002, after my divorce. Didn't make any money, so got back into different sales.

I have been divorced for over 6 years, almost 7. Was married for 27 years. Have two boys, 30 and 27, who live out of state.

Today? Watching the game and yard work, if the weather permits. I also need to so some house repairs. I am handy. That's about it

So, here's my bitch for the day. What is it about men on dating sites that NEVER ask questions? For the most part he's never asked a single thing about me. He "loves questions as they give fuel to conversations", but tank is empty, how 'bout doing a little refueling of your own? I feel like I'm playing the 20 Questions game. I swear, I'm just going to type up a list of things to interrogate with and start posting those as my responses to these guys! I mean, come on...conversation is GIVE AND TAKE. You ask, I answer. I ask, you answer. You ask, I answer. I ask, you answer. We establish common things to talk about. This should not be that freaking difficult!!!!!!

Ugh, and his real name is IRVING? Are you shitting me? :::losing interest::: (yes, I am *that* shallow!) If I actually go out with this man, he will never be anything but BB. I do not see me moaning "Oh, Irving! Harder! Harder!" during the heat of passion.

I responded to this email yesterday early afternoon and he hasn't written back, so that's where we stand for now!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

There's a new Possibility on the periphery!

OK I had to figure out a way to differentiate between Bachelors, who at this juncture have all appeared to be losers not my type...versus the ones that I actually have interest in, and am engaging in conversation!

So I've decided to call this group the "Possibilities".

To kick us off, we have Possibility #1!

Here's his profile:

Southern gentleman, living in Ohio, looking for someone who likes to have fun, no matter what they are doing. I believe in showing that special someone they are important in your life. I am analytic about most things and can tell if there's a hint of that elusive magic that can exist between two people. Having a quick wit, I enjoy making others laugh and feel at ease. I am a tall, caring, honest, romantic guy looking for the same qualities in a woman. My children are gone and now it's time for me. I still work hard, but make time to relax and smell the roses. I like dining out, cooking in, grilling, working in the yard, driving with the top down, movies out, movies in. It's not what you do...but who you hold hands with while doing it.

So far so good, right? He's 58, so he's 11 years older than me (can I really date someone who's pushing SIXTY? That makes me feel soooooooooooooooooo old!) but if his picture is a recent one, he's very nice looking for his age. He's also Jewish, a religion which I have zero experience with, however I'm not Charlotte in Sex and The City and I won't be converting so it's really not an issue!

He found my profile and sent me an email (and I should note that the reason he calls me June is that there is a line in my profile that says "I'm very independent yet have a June Cleaver side that frightens even my closest friends (it all has to do with ironing and bed making, not the Beaver!)", so that's what he's referring to!)...

Hi June....I mean Julie..

Great profile. There aren't too many that make me chuckle, but yours is adorable...just like your smile. Care to communicate some? I've got just one big boy toy...the convertible. But, alas, the warm days of...November?..have faded away. Email me if you have a minute, and let's talk! far so good. I wrote back and basically said that I was glad he enjoyed it, and it's pretty reflective of my personality, I don't hold back but I try to deliver the message with humor! I also commented on his convertible and said that my mid life crisis purchase (which I need to make soon or I'll be out of it!) will be a mid-60's cherry red convertible Mustang. And I asked how his experience on the dating site has been, and that I've only been on here a couple of weeks, and haven't really engaged anyone in conversation so I'm pretty new at this, but it feels a little job interview'ish, and I almost feel compelled to mention that I'm detail oriented and a team player!

So he wrote me back at 2am this morning and said:

Hi Julie..

Thanks for writing.'s late. Just got home. I was in Cincinnati for dinner at some friends home. I actually cooked a brisket and made matzah ball soup for them. Mutual friends had come in from California, Georgia and Tennessee, and requested those things. Since I am the only Jewish person in the group and have the secret recipies, the duties happily fell on my shoulders. Dinner was a huge success, I might add.

OK...we are connecting already. My convertible IS a Mustang. Course it's a 01 Black GT..varoooooom.

This is an interesting site. I can certainly see how it's like a job interview. It is in many ways necessary to determine the values of a person to decide if they could, should, and would be a possible anything in ones life. This site allows individuals from all walks of life to cross all types of avenues, so a person needs to make sure they are on the "right" road. Wouldn't want to be cruising along and hit a brick wall..or find out you are on a road that's closed ahead, or be on a one way street, going the wrong Ok..I am getting carried a way. See what happens when I am tired....

OK. All for now. Hope to hear from you soon!

So far so good still, right? What I got from this is that he can and evidently likes to cook. He can afford a decent car. He seems to function nicely around his friends. He's smart enough to know what metaphors are. He has very few spelling errors, and most importantly, it's his 2nd email and there has been no mention of cheap wine and full body massages! Nor has he given me his phone number begging me to call!

I haven't written back yet, but I will as soon as I'm done with this post. If he continues to act normal, this one could actually get to the phone call and/or cup of coffee stage!

Woohoo! Wish me luck!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Having way too much fun with this...

Ahahahahaha...HarleyGirl, me and Danica! Funny story behind the bunny ears, trust me...


Jordan and his nephew in cinema:

My boss on the cover of Vogue:

My niece and great niece in New York:

Me, of course.

Jordan on the wall...

Me being painted...

He loves me, doesn't he? *Updated*

Thanks, Amy!!!


This one's for you, Vinnie.


And my little Warhol baby.

Clearly I am going to be entertaining myself all day!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awww...Mommy and me.

Here's the link to do these....Photo Funia. Again, don't thank me, thank AmyAmyBoBamey. It's her fault I'm not getting any work done today!