Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Fun Signature Instructions

I've had lots of comments asking how to get a signature on a blog like I did, so here we go...Cute Signatures 101. Pay attention, class.

First of all, go to www.mylivesignature.com.

Halfway down the page, click "Click here to start".

Then "Create a new signature using our wizard".

From that point, follow directions according to what you want. I used the Signature Creation Wizard. If you use this, you will enter your name, pick your font (there are like 100 options so make sure you look through them all), select the size you want your signature to be, select the color and then the slope.

Then you get to a page that says "Signature is ready" and an option that says "Do you want to use this code". Click on that.

Now you have code options for HTML or BB. If you are one of my Blogga's, use the HTML. If you are a Nestie and want this for our board, use BB.

If you choose HTML, it will say "Generate a code for my handwritten signature". On the next page it will tell you how to add it to your blog. However, this is only a one time add and you have to do so every time you post. To get it to automatically show up on every post, you have to go to Settings, then Formatting, and then put the code in the box at the bottom of the page that says "Post Template".

Nesties, if you use BB, just copy and paste the code into your signature under Profiles on the board.

That's it! If you have any questions, let me know. I'm by no means a pro at this but I managed to get it to work so I'll help out if I can!!!

Monday, September 29, 2008

This made me laugh today.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

Yep. I'd say that just about covers it. LOL

Sunday, September 28, 2008

So, three years ago today....

My divorce was final. Big fucking whoopdidoo. Got my name back though, that was a plus.

I'm not feeling real bloggy today. I cleaned my carpets yesterday and now my back hurts from all that pushing and pulling, and on top of that I woke up with my left base of my big toe/ball of my foot area hurting like a mo-fo!

What the hell is up with random shit just hurting when you wake up in the morning?? This is clearly a product of getting old, isn't it? I've tried to be in denial about it for the past seven years, but now that I'm hurtling towards turning fifty (or as I like to think of it, "forty ten"), I can't pretend anymore.

But what is it that happens in your sleep that makes things hurt? C'mon...my big toe? Was I kickboxing last night in a dream?? Did I kick something out of sexual frustration??? Seriously...I have woken up with weird muscle pains, bruises where I don't remember hitting anything, funky twitches in places that really aren't meant to twich in that manner. It's bizarre!

What's your biggest gripe about growing older?

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Help me out here.

Bloggas, help me out here. Somewhere, on one of the blogs somebody has as their favorites, there is a blog with a bunch of stuff on the left hand side about the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. I can't seem to find it, but I remember seeing it while I was stalking your blogs and seeing who your favorite reads were.

Can anyone help me and point me back to it?


Testing out my new signature!

OK let's see if this works! (Thanks, megryansmom!)

Oh, by the way....GO BUCKS! BEAT MINNESOTA!!!!!!!!!!!

Progress Reports are in....

As you know, my son is a Senior this year, and is graduating early in January. As you may or may not know, like many of you parents reading this, my biggest beef with this kid is over grades. He's a very smart young man, but he hasn't grasped the concept of...if you turn your homework in, you get good grades. If you don't, you get bad ones.

Now, we've had this discussion a trillion times over the past few years. This is a kid who will either do the work, and it never makes it into the teacher's hands...or he just blows it off figuring he'll do well on the tests to make up for it.

Last year I made him repeat German II for the 2nd year in a row, because he failed it the first time by ONE PERCENTAGE POINT. Yes, one percentage point, people. Oh, and 5 missed homework assignments that last nine weeks...so clearly had he just turned in some of those homeworks, he'd have passed the class. So, you fail a class on my watch, you repeat it. Yes, I realize it was just German, and unless he's planning to a have a film career in Berlin, he's probably never going to utilize his limited knowledge of that particular language. But dammit, you failed a class from laziness, not lack of intelligence, so I made him suffer through an entire second year of it as a Junior.

Same thing with Geometry his sophomore year. Failed the class by two percentage points. Why? Missed homework. So not only did I make him take it in summer school last year, I also made him pay the $170 to do so. Again, it's painful to fail a class on my watch, especially out of stupidity. I can accept D's and F's if you have given your all and just can't get it. But to fail for not doing your work....nah. That will never fly with me.

So, that brings us to his Senior Year. A shortened school year for him, no less. He has four classes...Foods (a Home Ec'ish requirement), IT 2 (computer stuff), British Literature, and double block Government. He took his Phys Ed requirement in summer school which is how he's able to graduate mid year. He doesn't even go to school til 9:30am and gets out at 1:45!

Yesterday, progress reports came home. Now, according to my son, he has been very attentive to detail so far this year...he assured me he has turned in all of his homework, and done everything required by his teachers, and keeps clear notes in his Agenda about when things are due.

Guess what his grades are?

He has three A's and one B. And, might I brag, those A's are 99%, 99% and 100%!!!! The B is in Brit Lit, and it's a mid-range B, and he tells me they've only had one test and two homeworks, but he feels confident he can pull that up to an A by the end of the grading period.

Need I tell you I'm a very happy mom? Need I tell you I couldn't help but point out...see what happens when you turn your freaking homework in????????? And his comment was, of course..."I know, right?!?!?!?!" LOL

I *know* you know, dork. You've known all along! Every time we've fought over grades, every time you've been grounded, every time you've had TV and computer and cell phone and iPod and < insert other favorite things here > taken away, you've known! I just could never figure out for the life of me why you didn't do something about it!

Better late than never, though. I'm a relieved Mom today...it's the first progress report in about 6 years we haven't had a fight over. And I know, that in four short months, when my baby is out of high school for good, I will almost miss these parenting moments.


Great job, buddy. I'm very proud of you, and when you make the honor roll in four more weeks, I'll be the happiest mom you've ever had. I love you, bug!

Friday Night Bunco!

Omigosh, how FUN is this game????

I got invited to a Bunco game last night with some girls I know from the Nest. Special thanks to Liz for having 20 women at her house and hosting the party!!! (Sorry I made Lexi cry! LOL! She is just adorable, by the way...tears and all!)

It really was so much fun. I had no idea what to expect, I knew it involved dice but that was pretty much it! I only won 4 and lost 8 (the Biggest Loser lost 9 and won money...dammit I can't even lose right!!!) and I had 1 Bunco.

I can see why this is the new "card club" for suburban moms! It's fun, it's easy, and evidently it's not hard to find women willing to come over and play! I'm totally thinking now that I need to organize a game with my sisters and some of their friends. Especially since Sue Ellen (my oldest sister) called me on the way home from work whining "I want to play Bunco! I used to do that years ago and loved it!!!!"

It was great to see some familiar faces again last night and meet new friends as well. I got to rub Trisha's pregnant belly (seeing how I'm the witchdoctor who got her that way...it's true, read her blog!!), and I had a very "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" moment with Kaylea, who as it turns out is related to my new boyfriend!

So, it was a great Friday night, and again thanks to Liz for inviting me, and I look forward to playing again next month! (Um, even though I suck at it I will be invited back, right??)

Friday, September 26, 2008


Top Commenters is working??????????????? OMG!!!!!!

Georgie is somewhere just pissing her pants with joy right about now!!!! And so the race is back on between her and Danica....

Not much to talk about today. I've got a busy weekend planned though. I'm playing Bunco with some girlfriends tonight, although I have NO idea what Bunco is, I do know there is wine and cheese involved, and that's good enough for me.

Tomorrow night I'm hanging with my friend Suzanne...drinking and playing catch up. Haven't seen her since last summer, so that will be fun.

Sunday afternoon, going to a drinking jewelry party at Danica's.

I'm doing a lot of drinking in the next 48 hours. I love my life!!!! LOL

Here's a fun question for you. Who'd you lose your virginity to, and at what age?

Tim Myers. I was 16, he was 15. It was at my sister's apartment while I was babysitting. And my most vivid memory of it was laying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and thinking "Wow, this is what everyone gets all excited about? Not seeing the big deal here!!!" Of course....like wine, sex improved with age!

Tell me your story.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Thank God

It's all good...my sister's mammogram was okay. They still see something but think it's just fibrous tissue from how the breast is compressed because it changed shape and location from last week.

Thank God.

With statisics saying 1 in 3 women will get breast cancer, and I have two sisters, I wasn't ready for the odds to be one of us. We've already lost a sister, so the three of us plan to be together for a long time to come!!!

Thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers today.

Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka?

Has anyone heard of Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka? You Southern girls might know about it and have been keeping it a secret????

Someone on another board I visit posted about it:

One of the things buzzing in South Carolina these days is Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka. I had it in July when I was in Charleston, and I also had it at a friend's cookout here not too long ago. It was just developed this year, and it's selling off the shelves everywhere.

If you've had it, you know how amazing it is. It's a vodka distilled on Wadamalaw Island just outside of Charleston, South Carolina, and it tastes exactly like sweet tea! You can drink it on the rocks with a lemon, or you can add water or lemonade to it.

It's dangerous because you can overdo it so easily. It doesn't taste at all like alcohol! We it! DH contacted Firefly a few weeks ago to see about how he could get involved in bringing it to Ohio. It has slowly started creeping north and into the midwest, and we're so excited. DH got an email back from the owners this week saying that starting this week, Ohio liquor stores will be selling it!

If my Southern Blogga's know of this, talk to me!

I'm not a fan of the C word, and other random things

And by C word I mean cancer. Oh, well I guess I'm not really a fan of the other C word either, come to think of it.

So yesterday, I went to the dermatologist for a mole check, and came home with six spots frozen off my body. Five of which were on my face! Yes folks, I am really, really gorgeous today, now that those spots have blistered and turned red.

I have a mole on my back that was flaking and itchy etc., and I wanted it looked at. Turns out it was fine. She said I have these dry patches of skin that are heredity in numerous spots including my chest and backs of my legs, and that with all my freckles I need to be vigiliant about watching for new spots that come up.

There was one on my arm that she froze, and then 5 on my face. One is on my left cheek, then another one between that spot and my lips, then on both the top and bottom lip, and one on the right side of my forehead. None of them would have been something that concerned me! Just red spots on my cheek and lips that I would have never thought were pre-cancerous. The one on my arm and forehead, yeah I could see where those might have been questionable as they were raised bumps.

So...here's my PSA for today. Get yourself to a dermatologist and have a body check done. I thought I knew what to look for, and it turns out I was wrong. I go back in four months for a recheck and then once a year after that.

Also, I need a favor from all my blogging buds today. My sister had a bad mammogram last week, and she has to have another one this afternoon, and if that's still not conclusive they will do an ultrasound with a radiologist standing by to read the results. Please send good thoughts and prayers her way, ok? I'm sure it's nothing, but I'd like a little support from you guys too!

By the way, yesterday was Jill's birthday and I didn't get back here to dedicate a post only to her (because she's such a drama queen, she deserves one of her own!), so please accept my apologies for being a bad friend! I hope you had a day as beautiful as you are!!!!! (That should get me out of the doghouse!)

I was asked an interesting question yesterday.

What's the one mistake you've made that no one will let you forget?

Aside from marrying my ex, of course...the other one is that back in high school, I went parking with the hottest guy in school, on a dirt road out in the country. As we were leaving, I drove one wheel into a huge hole in the road, and busted the oil pan in my Dad's car. I had to call my parents and explain why I wasn't at my friend Kim's house studying, but rather was on a dirt road to nowhere with a cute boy! To this day, my sister still throws it in my face. It's been 31 years, let's get over it already!!!!

So, what is the one mistake YOU'VE made that nobody ever lets you forget?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Important PSA

I have an important Public Service Announcement.

Some of you may have noticed in my recent post regarding the new season of TV starting...that my friend Cher(i) finally left me a comment. It is the first one since my blog started back in April, and it took three emails of step-by-step instruction, but now that she's figured out how to comment, all hell will break loose.

So, to all my new blog friends...do not attempt to bribe contact her. Her secrets are NOT for sale. She may have known me since we were 16 years old, and yes she may have a shitload few secrets that she'd damn well better take to her grave...but she is not going to tell you anything. No attempting to ply her with booze either. It makes her easy but it doesn't make her talk. (She wasn't known as Champagne Cheri in high school for nothing!)

She is not gonna give up the stuff that could get me arrested goods on me, and the reason is because for every secret she has of mine...I have two on her.

And more importantly, I have a tape recording she does not want brought to light, specifically on the World Wide Internet for the entire planet to hear.

I'm just sayin...she knows better than to throw me under the bus, as I will drag her ass down with me and play "Take Me Home, Country Roads" on this blog, along with posting some verrrrrrrrrrry embarrassing pictures currently in my possession.

Thank you. You may return to you regularly scheduled stalking blog reading now.

Oh, and Cher? Love you baby!!!! :::smooch::::

It's important for me to thank the little people.

And no, I don't mean Verne and his sex tape.

I received my 2nd Blog Award today from my new best friend, Jilljillbobill aka Jilldo. It looks like this:

So evidently, this is Portuguese for "This blog invests and believes in the proximity". Which I assume means something about bringing people closer together! After all, it certainly has brought me new friends I would have never met if I hadn't started stalking reading other blogs.

I get to pass this on to a few peeps of my own, and therefore I am bestowing this mostly gratuitous award to the following:

Vinnie at Single Dad Seeking

Charlene at Charlene_in_AK

Jaded at The View From This Place

CCDD at Chocolate Covered Day Dreams

These are just a few of my new friends that I'd love to someday get the chance to hang out with, have a few bottles glasses of wine, and just talk.

Of course, I want to do the same with JJBB, Georgie, Deb, Amelia Bedelia, Amy and all the rest of my kindred spirits aka whackjobs delightful new friends but they've already gotten this blog award, so I left them off the list!

Thank you to the Academy, my parents for having me, my son for loving me unconditionally, my boss for not firing me for blogging on company time (oh wait, he doesn't know I blog, and if Amanda tells him I will kick her scrawny ass), and of course, my fans...because without you I'm nothing.

(One might argue that even with you I'm not much!)

Finally....the new season of TV is starting!

Is it just me or does it seem like FORFREAKINGEVER since there were new episodes of shows to watch? Don't get me wrong, I love my reality TV. I will watch crap that no normal person on earth should admit to viewing, but I also like the regular stuff as well.

So, you can imagine how excited I am that Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, ER, etc are finally starting this week. I think it's a hoot that DH fast forwarded five years since they clearly had jumped the shark on the old season, and needed to do something to revive itself in the ratings. I hope Grey's finally gives up on the Izzie and George thing, those two have no chemistry, and of course you know how I feel about people who cheat on their spouses anyway. ER, I have just always loved, and hate that it's ending but I hope it ends well. Oh, and Lipstick Jungle comes back on Wednesday! I loved that show last year!!!!

And, of course, I was all excited to watch Dancing with the Stars last night. I love Lacey Schwimmer, and I'm so glad she's on the show this year. She makes a fabulous addition to it! Needless to say, she and Lance will be my favorites. The rest of them...nobody really impressed me. Misti Treanor was better than I expected her to be, Cloris had me laughing my ass off when she was talking to the judges, and yeah, La Lucci needs a donut.

Funny thing about reality shows like this, they always make me want to get up and do something. I watch Dancing, and I want to take mambo lessons. I watch Biggest Loser, and I want to join the gym and lose an Olsen. I watch American Idol, and I want to bust out my inner rockstar. I watch Amazing Race and get the travel bug.

Almost makes me long for Reality Porn.

Monday, September 22, 2008

I have Power...and a new Man.

Life is good.

OK, check him out, folks. He's gorgeous, he's sweet, he loves hanging out with me, he doesn't have any ex-wives to wreck my life, has no kids or any baggage whatsoever. He's funny and charming and single...what more could a girl ask for?

Well, he *is* a bit younger than me, so I guess this makes me a cougar now. But that's cool, at his age I have plenty of time to train him right!!!!!!!!!! He's a bit of a flirt, but as long as I keep my eye on him, I think it will be okay.

His name is Jesse James Northbird. Yeah, he's Indian....dark hair, dark eyes. He's a little shorter than I am but I can live with that for now.

So here you go, the picture you've all been waiting for...me and my new guy:
Wait for it....
The Happy Couple!

Jesse trying to entice me to take him in my arms....

He couldn't stay away from me....

He still lives at home with his mom, and doesn't actually have a job right now, but I can overlook those small details for the time being.

Just look at that face. How can a girl not fall in love?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Power On, Power Off, Power On, Power Off

Fast blog post because God only knows when the power will go out again! It went out at 10am this morning when I heard what sounded like a shotgun blast outside my house. Turns out a transformer blew.

Power came back on a little bit ago.

Internet came back 5 minutes ago.

Which is good, because now I don't have to wound/maim/otherwise mar anybody's kneecaps.

I'll be back to blog tomorrow with news...I AM OFFICIALLY A COUGAR!!!!!! Rawwwr!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Why isn't my Top Commenters working?

Blogger, do not piss me off. I am a woman on the edge as it is. I don't like change, I don't like being inconvenienced, and I don't like it when my blog does not work like it should. I already had to manually change the date on my pitiful whine earlier post today because someone in Blogville can't get their shit together and make stuff work.

My top commenters hasn't worked for days. I've let it go, but now you're really pushing me.

You need to fix it because Georgie all of my peeps like seeing their names in lights. And frankly, I like seeing who really has a thing for me. (And you know they ALL do...some just don't express it as often)

So fix the fucker. I still have one more crappy un-niversary to get through (my divorce date in 8 days. Yippee!) before September ends. Therefore I will not be my happy, fun loving self until October 1st. Tread very, very carefully, Blogger.

Thank you.

Happy Un-niversary to me.

So, five years ago today, at 11:30am on a sunny, beautiful September morning much like today, I walked down the aisle into what I thought was forever. Turns out, forever lasted 2 years and 8 days.

I have not been looking forward to this day. It's the first time that it's fallen on a Saturday since we got married. Most years since our divorce, I can go to work and keep myself busy and not think about it.

Today, I woke up at 6am, after having a dream that my ex was back with the woman he let break up our marriage. Funny, five years ago when I woke up alone on this Saturday morning, I was filled with so much hope and anticipation and excitement, and today I woke up by myself, sad and angry and lonely.

As I sat down to write this, the emotion overtook me, and I found myself with my hands covering my face, sobbing in that way that demonstrates grief at it's quietest and loudest. I lost so much when my marriage ended. I lost not only the material things like my house and my car, I lost my job, I lost my financial security, I lost the dreams I had for my future, I lost the life we'd planned out, and most importantly, I lost my faith in love, in marriage, and in commitment. So yes, I am still grieving. It's been three years and it hurts just as much today as it did the day I found out about my husband's affair. The day my forever fell apart.

I had so many things I wanted to write today, I knew if I sat down here at the computer and started typing, this would turn into a rambling post that would probably bore the shit out of most of you.

But ironically, just now, an email popped up in the corner of my computer screen from The Secret. And I have decided that maybe it was sent to me this morning for a reason.

What is the answer to every difficult circumstance in life?

Take the positive path.

Choosing the positive path can be easy at some times in our life and more difficult at other times. When everything is going along well, when we are on a roll, choosing the positive path just flows through us as an easy, natural choice. When something negative comes along it can be far more challenging for us to choose the positive path. But choose it we must! No matter how challenging the negativity may be, there is simply no other way to bring our lives back into positivity.

If negative situations appear, you must use your will and refuse to lower yourself to negative thoughts, words, actions, and emotions. Use your will and decide that not only will you focus on the positive, but you will ramp up the positive in every thought, word, and action of your day.

It takes determination, strength, faith, and the power of your will to focus on the positive when intense negativity descends, but remember that the Universe and the law of attraction are with you. As you focus on the positive, focus more on the positive, think of the positive, speak of the positive, and take positive and good actions, the law of attraction will give your life wings. Suddenly you will look around you and you will find that the negativity has gone, and that your life has been filled with goodness and joy.

So, in light of this, I've decided to start this post over today....and here goes.

Hi everyone, I got married 5 years ago today. It was a really nice day.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Dear AEP (American Electric Power)

I realize you have been inundated with power outages due to the hurricane-like winds that came through Ohio last Sunday.

I was one of the 4 million people who was out of power, however it was only for 24 hours before it was restored. So, thanks for that.

However, it has come to my attention that my power is out again.

This does not excite or thrill me.

Your office tells me they have no idea why it is out, perhaps you had to cut my power in order to fix other outages. While it's not a huge deal, seeing how I am at work and not at home, I'm okay with making sacrifices so that my neighbors can have their power restored.

But get your asses in gear and get it fixed by 6pm when I get home. Because the only thing worse than being dateless and alone on a Friday night, is having to sit in the dark with no A/C or TV as well.




WOW! AEP Responded, courtesy of their effervescent representative, Jilljillbobill:

Dear Julie,
We received your letter and unfortunately inform you that you will be without any electricity until Sun morning. Because of this inconvenience, we are sending our two best electricians, Matt and Ben, over to assist you in any way possible. You might know them as they have appeared in Playgirl and have done some recent porn movies. They will be at your beckoned call and have their palm fronds ready to fan you, liquor to relax you, and lotion available for your massages. If the urge to become physical overwhelms you, understand that even though they are on company time, they can partake in whatever makes our customers happy. Our motto will always be "We please our customers". Thank you for your patronage.
The Power Co.


Dear AEP:

It's all good. Take your time.

Love, Julie

No time to post this morning

I've got a busy day and no time to post. But I'll be back later with something new, even if I have to make shit up.

Let me leave you with something deep and profound. No idea who wrote it, I can assure you it wasn't me!

Live a Life That Matters

Live a life that matters
Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.
Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.
So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, at the end.
It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant
Even your gender and skin colour will be irrelevant.
So what will matter?
How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success, but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.
What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident.
It's not a matter of circumstance, but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I'm confused, why does my blog say it's Wednesday?

Today is Thursday, right? I just noticed my blog post about my Dad says it was done on Wednesday, September 17th.

But I did it this morning. 9:30am.

Dear Blogspot: You don't have to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.



OK I manually changed the dates of my posts today (thanks Deb!) to make it right today, but I think it's a Blogger issue. Guess we'll see tomorrow!

My Dad

My Dad has been gone 4 years today. I really miss him. He'd suffered from Alzheimer's for about five years before he passed away. He died two days before my first wedding anniversary.

This is the last picture taken of us, on my wedding day.

I was so lucky, one of his nurses took a vacation day off work so that she could bring my Dad to my wedding. Even though he couldn't walk me down the aisle, or have a father/daughter dance, just having him there meant the world.

When he died, I was sitting on the bed beside him, talking to him and telling him it was okay to go. We had an amazing moment before he passed, where he opened his eyes for the first time in two days, and I could tell he was on that plane between heaven and earth, where there was no Alzheimer's, and for a last few minutes we had him back. I looked into his eyes, and I said "Hi" and he raised his eyebrows at me, and I said "I think Linda is here to get you, Dad. Do you see her? I think she's right here", pointing over my left shoulder, because I truly felt my sister's presence at that moment (she had died 7 months to the day earlier). Dad moved his eyes, looked over my shoulder, raised his eyebrows again and looked back and me and I knew he saw her too. I told him it was okay to go with Linda, and that my other sisters and I would take care of Mom, and everything would be okay. And a few minutes after that, as I sat there rubbing his chest and saying "It's okay, Daddy...let go...", he took his last breath and was gone.

I miss him terribly. He was the best Dad a girl could ever have. He always said I was the most like him of all his girls, and that's the truth. This apple didn't fall far from that tree! Dad and I always had a very close bond. I was the only one he would let care for him, when he couldn't take care of himself. And it was my privilege to be holding him tight as he left my life.

I love you Daddy.

When A Girl Drinks Too Much

Knowing the friends I have, and the times we've experienced almost identical to this, I thought it would be a fun way to start the day!

When I drink too much:

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling "Woohoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I’ve suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to pee, I realize I now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3am submarine sandwich on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them soooooooooooo much.
7. I get extremely excited and jump up and down eveyr time a new song plays because "Oh My God, I LOVE THIS SONG!!!"
8. I’ve found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I think I'm in bed but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
14. I start every conversation with a booming "Don't take this the wrong way, but..."
15. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
16. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
17. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
18. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

Now, I haven't felt like that in quite awhile but I sure have my war stories from days gone by!

Tell me your best drunken moment....

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


I don't really know what the hell Twitter is, but I bowed to peer pressure and am now on it.


Somebody tell me what I am supposed to do now?

I've got nothing new today.


It's not often that I'm speechless, and it's not even that I don't have anything to say.

I'm just not feeling funny.

Or entertaining.

My mind is on several other things right now. Oh, and I'm a little PMS'y. Or something. I cried on the way to work listening to a Tim McGraw song called "Angry All the Time", if that tells you anything.

Georgia is ahead of Danica in comments, and yes Danica, you have been reading my blog far longer. Georgie and I just started stalking each other a few weeks ago!

I'll be back in a bit, I'm off to find my sense of humor.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Uh oh!!!

One more comment and Georgie beats out Danica for all time comment leader!!!!!

Stay tuned for the Girl Fight of the Century.

Can you see me in these bright lights?

I have power! Woohooooooooooooooo! It came back last night around 6pm. I was never so glad to see lights come on in my life. The idea of packing up and moving out for a few days did not appeal to me. You hear about looters and stuff at times like this, and while I don't consider my neighborhood to be questionable by any means (I'm a block away from the police station, for heaven's sake!) you just never know who might have gotten the bright idea that if the electric was out, my security system was probably out as well, and since our cars were gone, we probably weren't home. And poof, there goes my 52" hi def TV!

Plus, I was going to have to stay with my ex husband, in my ex house, in my ex bed. All of my family was in the same boat (no electricity) except my sister Patty, so she was being inundated with visitors as the rest of the family was functioning out of her house! So Jordan was going to go to a friend's, and I was going to go to Ex's with the dogs. Normally it really wouldn't have bothered me one way or another. He and I have this weird relationship now, not married anymore, not romantically involved, not really friends but not enemies. We're friendly, I guess. Of course we still talk to each other every day in some manner, either via text, IM chat, phone. But I see him maybe every couple of weeks, on a weekend we'll have dinner or take the boat out if it's nice or go to a movie.

But, right now...this week...it's not good for me to be around him. This Saturday would have been our 5th wedding anniversary, and it's the first time that September 20th has been on a Saturday again, so it's even a little harder for me. In past years, at least when 11:30am rolled around, I was busy at work and not thinking about it. This year will be different. I'm already planning on being very busy doing something that morning to forget what I was doing 5 years ago that same morning. The whole thing just still hurts.

So yeah, I'm feeling emotional right now. And staying at "our" house wasn't really a good idea. I think the Universe felt sorry for me and turned my power back on to keep me from potentially doing anything stupid in a weak vulnerable moment!

Who am I kidding. It has nothing to do with vulnerability. I just need laid. But going back around *that* block with him would not be a good plan.

At least I know that now, right?

Oh, and hey! I loved it yesterday that my comments basically can be summarized as follows:

1. Jill would like to join Deb and Georgie in some girl on girl action in a vat of chocolate pudding.

2. Amy is willing to slather baby oil on Deb and Georgie as well.

3. Vinnie is turned on by the idea and wants to watch.

I love my peeps.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Thanks, Dammit and Sweet!

Thanks to all my peeps for driving my comments up yesterday. I didn't even have to kiss any of you girls! I'd have done it..and you'd have liked it...I'm just sayin. I'll be returning the favor later today when I'm back in the office and can spend a little time stalking commenting back.

Dammit...the electricity is out at my house and is expected to be out for THREE MORE FREAKING DAYS. Seriously?????? Yes, we had 75mph winds, yes there are trees down everywhere, yes there were white sparks coming off the power lines behind my garage last night. But really, four days of no power?????? Thanks, Ike.

Sweet...catfight between Georgie and Deb for most comments. I love girl on girl action.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Attention All Commenters

You will notice that I added a widget that I stole from my separated at birth wild ass kindred spirit Deb, that shows who my top commenters are!

Look on the right about halfway down the blog. Your name better frickin be there.

Danica rocks, she's my #1! I heart her bunches.

I dare any of you to try and outcomment her.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I am very happy to announce that just yesterday, I signed a contract with a new renter on a lease option for my condo!!!!!!!!

Which means my current renter moves out the end of the month, and the new one moves in, and I DON'T HAVE TO PAY THE MORTGAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Get off your asses and do the happy dance with me!

(Wait, that counts as exercise for today, right?)

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Blog Comments

OK, I'm gonna bitch for a minute.

I spend a lot of time cruising other people's blogs. I'm meeting some great ladies (and guys!) and having a lot of fun reading about their lives.

But I've noticed that they are all getting lots and lots of comments! A minimum of 15, upwards to 50 or so a day! Why is that? Is it just that they've been blogging longer than I have, or am I just that boring that not very many people feel compelled to comment?? The most I've ever had in one post was 9.

Who do I have to sleep with to start getting more comments?

I try to leave comments every time I read someone's blog. I read the stats on mine, and I can see that I have an average of 52% previous visitors and 48% new visitors. Yesterday alone I had 79 NEW people visit! I have a lot of friends who I know read my blog daily, yet have never left me a comment! (Cheri! Maggie! Penny! Cassie! Just to name a few!)

Seriously, if I have to start whoring myself out for comments, I'll do it. I'll kiss a girl and I don't care if I like it or not! I'll sleep my way to the top of the blogging world if that's what it takes.

I am a woman on a mission.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Conversation with the Exercise Bike - Part 2

Bike: Psssst....

Julie: WHAT????

Bike: C'mere honey.

Julie: Do NOT talk to me like that.

Bike: I've got a little sumpin sumpin for ya...

Julie: No you don't! You don't fool me! I know what you want me to do!

Bike: Yeah I do, baby. C'mere...come to Daddy.

Julie: OMG. You did not just say that.

Bike: Sit on Daddy's lap.

Julie: OMG! Leave me alone! Pervert!!!!!

Bike: You know you want to. You've been looking at me all night with that look in your eyes.

Julie: Oh, for the love of...Schwinn. Stop with the come on's already! I'm NOT interested!

Bike: You want some of this hard steel, you know you do.

Julie: Hard steel? How hard?

Bike: We'll take it slow, I promise.

Julie: Are you sure? Because I'm inexperienced...I haven't really done this much.

Bike: It's okay...you just let me take care of everything.

Julie: Mmmmm....I'm on top, right? Gee, I was never good at this position. Don't look up, ok?

Bike: Come on baby...ride me hard. Hard and fast. You can do it...

.........20 minutes later...........

Julie: Wow, that was really fantastic. I had no idea I was so good at it!

Bike: Way to burn rubber, baby. Look at my smokin tires. You da bomb.

Julie: Yeah, I'll bet you say that to all the girls.

Bike: Same time tomorrow?

Julie: Uh hey, this was fun but let's not rush anything. I've got a date with Wii Fit tomorrow. He's really got a lot more to offer....more positions, more ways to keep me interested. And I get bonus points for endurance.

Bike: You'll be back. He can't give you what I can. I have a built in fan!


Cheri just sent me the following email with the subject "You're scaring me":

OK this un-natural conversation that you have with your exercise bike.. is freaky... I think you need laid!! I tell mine to shut up or I'll dismantle it.. I have a wrench and I know how to use it.. it keeps it quiet for the most part!

Funny girl.

Finally Friday.

It's been a long week. Probably because for the past two, I only worked four days one week and three the next. This five day thing sucks! I haven't really taken much vacation this summer either. But I'm going to Washington DC/Virginia the first weekend in October (Nestie girls trying to get pregnant...start your engines!) and then back to Vegas the first week of November.

Doing good on the healthy eating thing. I'm feeling better too. Just a subtle shift in energy levels, etc, but I definitely notice it. I haven't had anything but natural sugar (ie: fruit) all week, and it's funny how you stop craving sweets and sugar when you don't eat it. It's like Penny has told me for years, you crave what you put into your body, so if you aren't putting sugar in, you aren't jonesing for it! I've had 2 Reeses Cups at my house for a week now, and have not touched them. This, for a chocoholic like myself, is unheard of.

Not having a glass of wine or my beloved Vodka & Diet Pepsi in the evening has been a little hard. It's not that I *can't* have it, I just choose not to right now. I have to get myself under control first.

My plan this weekend is to make some soup to freeze and eat for lunches next week. Going to get my grocery list in order and shop for more good stuff.

Oh, and exercise.

(Why do I hate even saying the word???)

I've got to learn to tolerate love exercising. Any suggestions on how?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Why Women Should Vote

This is an email I just received, and I felt that it needed to be turned into a blog post.

This is the story of our Grandmothers and Great-grandmothers; they lived only 90 years ago.

Remember, it was not until 1920 that women were granted the right to go to the polls and vote.

The women were innocent and defenseless, but they were jailed nonetheless for picketing the White House, carrying signs asking for the vote.

And by the end of the night, they were barely alive.

Forty prison guards wielding clubs and their warden's blessing went on a rampage against the 33 women wrongly convicted of 'obstructing sidewalk traffic.' They beat Lucy Burns, chained her hands to the cell bars above her head and left her hanging for the night, bleeding and gasping for air.

They hurled Dora Lewis into a dark cell, smashed her head against an iron bed and knocked her out cold. Her cellmate, Alice Cosu, thought Lewis was dead and suffered a heart attack. Additional affidavits describe the guards grabbing, dragging, beating, choking, slamming, pinching, twisting and kicking the women.

Thus unfolded the 'Night of Terror' on Nov. 15, 1917, when the warden at the Occoquan Workhouse in Virginia ordered his guards to teach a lesson to the suffragists imprisoned there because they dared to picket Woodrow Wilson's White House for the right to vote.

For weeks, the women's only water came from an open pail. Their food--all of it colorless slop--was infested with worms.

When one of the leaders, Alice Paul, embarked on a hunger strike, they tied her to a chair, forced a tube down her throat and poured liquid into her until she vomited. She was tortured like this for weeks until word was smuggled out to the press.

So, refresh my memory. Some women won't vote this year because- -why, exactly? We have carpool duties? We have to get to work? Our vote doesn't matter? It's raining?

Last week, I went to a sparsely attended screening of HBO's new movie 'Iron Jawed Angels.' It is a graphic depiction of the battle these women waged so that I could pull the curtain at the polling booth and have my say. I am a shamed to say I needed the reminder.

All these years later, voter registration is still my passion. But the actual act of voting had become less personal for me, more rote. Frankly, voting often felt more like an obligation than a privilege. Sometimes it was inconvenient.

My friend Wendy, who is my age and studied women's history, saw the HBO movie, too. When she stopped by my desk to talk about it, she looked angry. She was--with herself. 'One thought kept coming back to me as I watched that movie,' she said. 'What would those women think of the way I use, or don't use, my right to vote? All of us take it for granted now, not just younger women, but those of us who did seek to learn.' The right to vote, she said, had become valuable to her 'all over again.'

HBO released the movie on video and DVD. I wish all history, social studies and government teachers would include the movie in their curriculum I want it shown on Bunco night, too, and anywhere else women gather. I realize this isn't our usual idea of socializing, but we are not voting in the numbers that we should be, and I think a little shock therapy is in order.

It is jarring to watch Woodrow Wilson and his cronies try to persuade a psychiatrist to declare Alice Paul insane so that she could be permanently institutionalized. And it is inspiring to watch the doctor refuse. Alice Paul was strong, he said, and brave. That didn't make her crazy.

The doctor admonished the men: 'Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.'

Please, if you are so inclined, pass this on to all the women you know.

We need to get out and vote and use this right that was fought so hard for by these very courageous women. Whether you vote democratic, republican or independent party -remember to vote.

History is being made.

To my readers...our country needs each and every one of YOUR votes. Please, register now if you aren't already registered, and please make sure you get out to the polls this year....it's probably onen of the most important elections of our lifetimes.

A sad day in our history.

Like everyone else today, I want to acknowledge the day that changed our lives forever.

I will never forget where I was when it happened. I was in my office working, and my receptionist (who comes into work at 9am) walked in and said she'd just heard on the radio that a small plane had hit the World Trade Center. I happened to have a little TV in my office so we turned it on, and a few minutes later watched the 2nd plane hit. We quickly realized what was happening, and never took our eyes off the TV for hours afterwards.

I ended up with everyone coming in and out of my office all day as we watched the news reports, and I was emailing my sister nonstop because they had no information at work (no radios or TV's). I remember one of my bosses, who was in the National Guard at the time, saying "This is Bin Laden's work" and I was like "Who the hell is Bin Laden?" I had never heard his name until that time.

To this day, it breaks my heart into pieces to see those planes flying into the buildings. I watched it live and couldn't believe my eyes then. I still can't.

God bless everyone who lost their lives that day, and the families who were left behind. You will never, ever be forgotten.

Day 4 of Eating Better

Doing great so far. Haven't had a bunch any junk food! Haven't had alcohol! Been drinking water! Eating fresh fruit! Obsessing over my new favorite food item which is jalapeno stuffed green olives. They are like a little party in my mouth.

I'm down 3.6 lbs so far this week. Yes, we all know that's water, not fat...but I'm good with that. It's telling me that my body is getting rid of the bloat, and adapting to my new healthier way of eating!

Last night I didn't get any exercise in. Funny how I can come up with every excuse in the world for not doing something, isn't it? Last night's excuse was that I had to go visit my mother, and she's in a nursing home 20 miles away. And by the time I got home, grabbed some dinner, did a load of laundry...it was time to sit my fat ass on the couch and watch TV.

TV time was interupted by my exercise bicycle, sitting in the corner of the living room. Let me walk you through it.

Bike: Psssst....

Julie: (looks around to see who's Psss'ing her)

Bike: Hey, lard ass...

Julie: (looks at bike) Oh hey, dust bunny. What's up?

Bike: Clearly not you.

Julie: Wow, pretty smart for something that just sits there spinning it's freaking wheels and going nowhere.

Bike: Get over here and get on me.

Julie: (wishing for once, something that wasn't mechanical would say this to her)

Bike: Mount me. I want you now!

Julie: (hearing that infamous "boom chicka wow wow" porn music)

Bike: I'm serious. Come here, sit on top of me. Move your legs and hips, and start breathing hard.

Julie: (sigh....if only....)

Bike: Hello? Is anyone there? Julie? Why are your eyes glazed over? Get back here! You do not need a cigarette now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So tonight, I'll do better. In fact, I've given myself mini-goals during the day as well, and today my goal is to make 2 trips up and down the 2 flights of steps in the building.

I'm off to do my first one. I'll be gasping for breath (sad, but true) but in a few weeks when I'm doing a bunch of those a day and not breathing hard at all, I'll look back on today and think "Wow, you've come a long way!"

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Back on the wagon

Well, I know you've heard it all before....but I'm motivated again to lose weight and get healthy.

Yeah, I realize you can look at the labels on the side of this blog, see all the ones for diet and motivation and say "Gee Julie, you were motivated 5 months ago? Oh, and 3 months ago? How's that working out for you???"

It's not. I suck at this.

However, after seeing pictures of myself at the wedding and realizing just how huge I am, it makes me sick. I have lied to myself long enough, with "Oh, it's the camera angle" or "This shirt makes me look fat". No sweetie, it isn't the camera or the shirt. It's YOU.

I did one of those weight calculators based on my height and age and frame size and hair color and whatever other stupid factors they considered, and according to it, I am 80 lbs out of range. EIGHTY POUNDS. And that's out of the high end of the range! I'm 100 lbs out of the low end!

I need to lose an Olsen. That's fucking depressing.

Funny thing is, I'm no heavier weight-wise than I was 3 years ago. But for some reason, it's all gone soft and squishy. I have rolls now where they don't belong! I'm talking in areas of my body that is NOT MEANT TO HAVE AN OVERHANG. I look at myself naked and seriously, I cannot stand the view. How on earth do I think I could ever share it with some poor unsuspecting man??????????

Ugh. I never had good self esteem anyway and what little I did have got snatched away during my marriage divorce. And now I look at myself and think, why? Why, knowing my family history of diabetes, cancer, heart attacks, Alzheimer's, strokes, high blood pressure, etc...why am I still smoking, eating crappy food and not exercising?

Didn't it have any impact on me, watching my sister struggle for 8 weeks after having a massive stroke that should have killed her right off the bat, and ultimately took her life anyway? Do I honestly think that can't happen to me?? She smoked, she drank, she didn't exercise either. And guess what, the shape of my body now rivals hers exactly. I used to always notice how she was very thick between her waist and her chest, and now I am too.

I am not going to fucking die like she did. I refuse. I will not put my family through it, I will not put my son through losing his mother. HE deserves better, and so do I.

I deserve to fall in love again and have a second chance at happily ever after.

I deserve to watch my son go off to college, to have a career, and be a happy, healthy and successful man.

I deserve to play with my grandchildren and spoil them rotten.

I deserve to live until I'm 90, and still be able to take care of myself.

And by God, I'm going to get all those things!!!!

I'm 3 days in, and I'm feeling good. I did a half hour of Wii Fit last night, and my new Wii Fit age is 42.

By the time my 30 year class reunion rolls around in May, I will be one hot mama.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

OK, I'll play The Name Game

Deb's gotta new game on her blog, and since I'm co-dependent and refuse to let her outparty get one over on me, I'm putting it on mine too!

The Name Game
1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Bitsy Chevette
2.Your gangsta name (1st three letters of your real name plus izzle, favorite ice cream & Fav type of shoe): Julizzle Salty Caramel Flipflop (wow, there's one to fear isn't it?)
3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Lavender Yorkie
4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Denise Portsmouth
5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): ReeJu
6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Buttercream Tuaca
7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Ralph Oscar
8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Hynose Dove Toffee
9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Heller Hollywood
10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Summer Lilac
11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Melon Capris
12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Kashi Strawberry Fields Cherry Blossom. (Wow, any day now a celebrity will copy that name for their kid!)
13.Movie star name (first pet's name, first street where you lived): Bitsy Seventeenth.

And that was fun - you should give it a try!

The Honeymoon is Over

OK, I had to post this YouTube link, as it made me laugh out loud yesterday when I saw it.


I swear, 90% of this describes my marriage to a T!

When you listen, be sure to keep the sound to a minimum if you happen to be in an office. It's not dirty but there are some 4 letter words!

Monday, September 8, 2008

The Wedding

I swear, I will get back here with pictures soon. I only have a couple right now....(thanks Danica for letting me steal them!).

So, here we go:

The Bride and me (I'm trying to forget that one of the staff asked me if I was the mother of the bride!) (In my own defense, she had not even SEEN the bride at the point, so she had no idea we are only 6 years apart in age!)

The Usual Suspects aka Elizabeth's Posse, plus two of her stepdaughters (Allyson on the left in black and white, and Alex in front in blue). Some of us were drunk in this picture. I'm not saying who. Rest assured it was neither of the teenage girls...

Danica, Julie, Jeffrey and Kathleen. Some of us were really drunk. I'm not saying who.

Kelly and her husband (go ahead, ask them about the Felter Love Mix), Judy, Kathleen and me. Some of us were....eh, you know the rest.

Back with more as I get them....

Oh, and Elizabeth just called me from Aruba. She wanted to let me know that they arrived in one piece, the place is amazing, they just left the room for the first time (LOL...due more to fatigue than anything else!) and she's all excited that she can eat whenever she is hungry!!!!!!!! (God bless those "all inclusive" resorts!)

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Oh, my aching feet...and legs...and head....and back....

Well, my dear friend Elizabeth is now Mrs. Baldwin, and the happy couple are on their way to Aruba for a week of fun in the sun.

I, however, am here, and my feet hurt like a mo-fo. Seriously. I was standing yesterday from 9am to midnight. Dancing part of the time as well! Spent the first half of the day decorating, ran home and changed and went back to assume my role as wedding coordinator! It all went great, and I believe a very good time was had by all.

I will post pictures later when I get some from Jeffrey, but for now here's a picture of the wedding cake. It was all part of the beachy theme...

Now, me and my coffee are headed back to the couch. The sound of my fingers tapping on the keyboard is way too loud for my head this morning, thanks to one too many shots of Tuaca last night!!!!

Friday, September 5, 2008


I was just looking at my blog stats, and under the "Recent Keyword Analysis" (which basically means someone searches the Internet for certain key words that lead them to me), this is what I found:

1. Cheater Cheater
2. She needs some cockamole on her faceadilla

I love it that when anyone in the world searches those things, they come up with MY blog.

Evidently when you search "hot beautiful single woman", you don't get me, right? WTF? Who do I have to sleep with to make *that* happen?

Not much time to write today

Getting ready to start my busy day with a manicure and pedicure with The Bride (yeah, it sucks to be me!) but wanted to post something I found last night that made me laugh....

Oh, and good morning Jess! Thanks for your email!!!!!! You're my new best friend! haha (Pay attention, Readers....see what telling me you love my blog will do? Gets you a special mention! That's worth like....well nothing....but it's special to me!)

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road:

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Well...I tried.

I gave it a shot.

Just so my confused and mislead Republican friends can't say that I'm too liberal...

I turned on the TV and attempted to listen to McCain's speech.

After five felt like days minutes, I found my eyes glazing over, and my mind drifting to really interesting things, like the idea that there actually is such a thing as belly button lint.

My gosh, that man has the personality of a loaf of bread, doesn't he? I have never heard a speech given in such a monotone! The only time I saw him get excited was when he realized he was at the end of it! "Woohooo, I'm almost done boring myself!!!"

And is it just me, or does his wife look like she's 2 martinis and an Oxy away from rehab?

Yeah, I gotta post this.

I just have to.

Looks like the lipstick wearing pit bull proved herself to be just like the typical politico types she slammed!

She's a liar and exaggerator!

The Associated Press closely watched Governor Sarah Palin, the GOP's VP pick, at last night's RNC convention and has outlined the many ways she exaggerated and lied.

Right or Left, a lie is a lie. It doesn't matter where on the political spectrum you are, right?

These are not 'personal' digs, mind you.

She's lying on the 'professional' stage, y'all.

Check out Pinocchio Palin's claims and the truth:

PALIN: "I have protected the taxpayers by vetoing wasteful spending … and championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress. I told the Congress 'thanks but no thanks' for that Bridge to Nowhere."

THE FACTS: As mayor of Wasilla, Palin hired a lobbyist and traveled to Washington annually to support earmarks for the town totaling $27 million. In her two years as governor, Alaska has requested nearly $750 million in special federal spending, by far the largest per-capita request in the nation. While Palin notes she rejected plans to build a $398 million bridge from Ketchikan to an island with 50 residents and an airport, that opposition came only after the plan was ridiculed nationally as a "bridge to nowhere."

PALIN: "There is much to like and admire about our opponent. But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform — not even in the state senate."

THE FACTS: Compared to McCain and his two decades in the Senate, Obama does have a more meager record. But he has worked with Republicans to pass legislation that expanded efforts to intercept illegal shipments of weapons of mass destruction and to help destroy conventional weapons stockpiles. The legislation became law last year. To demean that accomplishment would be to also demean the work of Republican Sen. Richard Lugar of Indiana, a respected foreign policy voice in the Senate. In Illinois, he was the leader on two big, contentious measures in Illinois: studying racial profiling by police and requiring recordings of interrogations in potential death penalty cases. He also successfully co-sponsored major ethics reform legislation.

PALIN: "The Democratic nominee for president supports plans to raise income taxes, raise payroll taxes, raise investment income taxes, raise the death tax, raise business taxes, and increase the tax burden on the American people by hundreds of billions of dollars."

THE FACTS: The Tax Policy Center, a think tank run jointly by the Brookings Institution and the Urban Institute, concluded that Obama's plan would increase after-tax income for middle-income taxpayers by about 5 percent by 2012, or nearly $2,200 annually. McCain's plan, which cuts taxes across all income levels, would raise after tax-income for middle-income taxpayers by 3 percent, the center concluded.

Obama would provide $80 billion in tax breaks, mainly for poor workers and the elderly, including tripling the Earned Income Tax Credit for minimum-wage workers and higher credits for larger families.

He also would raise income taxes, capital gains and dividend taxes on the wealthiest. He would raise payroll taxes on taxpayers with incomes above $250,000, and he would raise corporate taxes. Small businesses that make more than $250,000 a year would see taxes rise.

The AP report also showed how Palin's champions have exaggerated the Alaskan governor's 'acheivements':

MCCAIN: "She's been governor of our largest state, in charge of 20 percent of America's energy supply … She's responsible for 20 percent of the nation's energy supply. I'm entertained by the comparison and I hope we can keep making that comparison that running a political campaign is somehow comparable to being the executive of the largest state in America," he said in an interview with ABC News' Charles Gibson.

THE FACTS: McCain's phrasing exaggerates both claims. Palin is governor of a state that ranks second nationally in crude oil production, but she's no more "responsible" for that resource than President Bush was when he was governor of Texas, another oil-producing state. In fact, her primary power is the ability to tax oil, which she did in concert with the Alaska Legislature. And where Alaska is the largest state in America, McCain could as easily have called it the 47th largest state — by population.

MCCAIN: "She's the commander of the Alaska National Guard. … She has been in charge, and she has had national security as one of her primary responsibilities," he said on ABC.

THE FACTS: While governors are in charge of their state guard units, that authority ends whenever those units are called to actual military service. When guard units are deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan, for example, they assume those duties under "federal status," which means they report to the Defense Department, not their governors. Alaska's national guard units have a total of about 4,200 personnel, among the smallest of state guard organizations.

FORMER ARKANSAS GOV. MIKE HUCKABEE: Palin "got more votes running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska than Joe Biden got running for president of the United States."

THE FACTS: A whopper. Palin got 616 votes in the 1996 mayor's election, and got 909 in her 1999 re-election race, for a total of 1,525. Biden dropped out of the race after the Iowa caucuses, but he still got 76,165 votes in 23 states and the District of Columbia where he was on the ballot during the 2008 presidential primaries.

FORMER MASSACHUSETTS GOV. MITT ROMNEY: "We need change, all right — change from a liberal Washington to a conservative Washington! We have a prescription for every American who wants change in Washington — throw out the big-government liberals, and elect John McCain and Sarah Palin."

THE FACTS: A Back-to-the-Future moment. George W. Bush, a conservative Republican, has been president for nearly eight years. And until last year, Republicans controlled Congress. Only since January 2007 have Democrats have been in charge of the House and Senate.

We say if the 'means' are shady then it must mean the 'end' is shady.

No more shade!

Bruise Watch - Day 3

Yeah, this one isn't going to be gone by Saturday. Hello, coverstick.

I'm probably going to be out of pocket for a few days. I've got a full day preparing for the wedding tomorrow, and then of course Saturday I'll be busy all day. So I may not be updating the blog until Sunday.

I know all 112 readers are sad. LOL....

I'll leave you with some sheet music to read. Look closely...

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Bruise watch

Since so many of you asked...here is today's colors!

I can't get a good picture of it because my iPhone lightens it too much. It's really black and blue and deep purple but today there's some pretty yellow as well! Hopefully by Saturday it will fade enough that I can put some make up on it and it won't show in pictures taken at the wedding.

Funny, my parking lot guy didn't see me yesterday, so this morning he says "What the hell happened to your arm??? Did your ex do this? Do I have to go kick some motherfucking ass???? Because you know I will!"

No dude calm down. It's a pizza injury.

I've heard this song 4 times in three days

Why? It's a freaking song from what, the late 80's? Early 90's? What the hell is up with Sirius playing it every five minutes??

I guess maybe the Universe read my thread about September and decided to remind me that I'm in a better place now than I was 3 years ago...

For the first time, in such a long time
I've been feeling there's some reason
To hold on through the night
And for the first time
Since you broke this heart of mine
I find myself believing
It's really gonna be alright

Now you're asking me to let
You walk back into my life
Something I can't bring myself to do

'Cause it's been hard enough getting over you
You kept me holding on till the end
Oh, it's been hard enough getting over you
I don't think that I could say goodbye again

I could trust you, but it's out of my hands
I once believed your promises
Believed in every word you said
I still love you, but my heart won't take the chance
That all the pain I've left behind me
Might be waiting for me up ahead

Just remember it was you
Who walked right out of my life
No, you don't know what I've been through

'Cause it's been hard enough getting over you
You kept me holding on till the end
Oh, it's been hard enough getting over you
I don't think that I could say goodbye again

I made a promise to myself
And this one I'm not gonna break
I've made it without you
And I'm not about to
Turn around and make the same mistake

'Cause it's been hard enough getting over you
You kept me holding on till the end
Oh, it's been hard enough getting over you
I don't think that I could say goodbye
I don't think I could say goodbye
I know that I can't say goodbye again

I'd rather hear that than that fucking Rascal Flatts song. (Most of you don't know what this means, but my sisters and niece do, as they got to hear/see my wrath when it played the other day while we were in the pool.)

Clearly, I have song issues. LOL

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Wake me up when September ends.

Once upon a time, 5 years ago, September was a damn good month for me. I got married then. I really liked September 20, 2003...it was a happy time.

Now...September sucks.

My father died September 18, 2004, two days before my first wedding anniversary. In retrospect it probably didn't bode well for my marriage that I celebrated that anniversary in a funeral home.

The next year, on my second anniversary, September 20, 2005, I was separated from my husband and in the worst pain of my life.

And 8 days later, on September 28th, my divorce was final.

That year, Green Day came out with "Wake Me Up When September Ends". Needless to say, I identified completely.

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends

Isn't this pretty?

I got attacked by a pizza box last night. Pizza Hut can be viscious!

We ordered pizza last night and as I was walking into the house with it, I turned a corner and hit part of the box on the wall, and jammed the sharp corner of the box straight into the inside of my upper arm. It hurt like a mo-fo and immediately started turning purple. I put some ice on it in hopes of it not getting too bad. It's black and blue, literally. And the exact length that a pizza box is high. LOL You can't tell just how ugly from the picture but trust me, it looks like the remnants of a violent crime.

Clearly fast food IS hazardous to your health.

Between that and my horrifically red sunburned face from the pool yesterday, which is ALL my sister's fault because she bullied me into staying out for two hours when I was ready to call it a day after 45 minutes....I am one attractive woman today.

I'm beating the boys off with a stick.

Ewwww....that didn't come out right.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Please join me in saying a prayer

For the people of Louisiana, as Gustav approaches today. Those people have been through too much with Katrina, and they should not have to endure another devastating hurricane.

My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone in the path of this storm. God bless.