Sex isn't supposed to be this funny.

The following is a true story as told to me by "she who shall remain anonymous" (to avoid complete embarrassment from my family and friends!), so for the purpose of this blog, their names have been changed to protect the sexually dysfunctional innocent.

So my good friend "Angelina" and her husband "Brad" were home alone last weekend. They have four children so they don't often have the house to themselves, and when they do, they take full advantage. Meaning...they strip off the clothes and don't come up for air til one of the offspring return.

From this point the story is going to have to get kind of graphic so bear with me, I'll try to be as delicate as I can!

OK so Angie and Brad are having a good old time, and Brad has "taken a trip to Florida", which is our code word for going south....you get my drift, and Angie is completely enjoying Brad's tour of the land!! Naturally, that particular part of their evening progresses to the main event, and afterwards, Brad falls asleep on top of Angie. Typical, right?

So being the good wife that she is, she lets him lay there sleeping until she can no longer breathe (she's maybe 125 lbs and he probably comes in at 220) but in the meantime, she starts noticing this burning like pain coming from Florida the lowest part of The Promised Land. She tries wiggling around under him to pinpoint the location of the burn/pain and all she can determine is that it is external and down very low, but not internal. This has her stumped.

Eventually it really starts bothering her, so she wakes Brad up, and as he gets off of her, he raises up and sits back on his knees, right? They both happen to look down...and there is this string of white stuff leading from his johnson to her va-jay-jay! As she described it to me, it wasn't just like a filmy white stuff, it was a solid white string of something!

She's looking at him, he's looking at her, and they are both wondering just what exactly the other one has and is there a medication for it? She's like "Dude, it's coming out of you!" and he says "No, it's coming out of YOU!".

So he proceeds to pull on the string of white stuff.

And pull.

And pull.

Now picture him, sitting on his knees, pulling this string of some unknown but kind of frightening thing that is connecting his private parts to his wife's, and he's pulling it in a hand over hand method like he's reeling in a boat or something!

And he keeps pulling.

And suddenly they both realize...

....wait for it....

it's his gum.

Yes, you read that right.

Evidently when he was down there pleasuring his wife, he forgot he had gum in his mouth, and at some point that he doesn't recall, it fell out...and then as they were going at it, he was basically grinding it into her skin/hair in that area waaaay down below!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So to make this story even funnier, once they stopped laughing (and believe me, Angie says they were crying from laughter), the poor girl realizes she's got gum stuck in those tiny little hairs at the base of her va-jay-jay and that's what was burning/hurting...every time she moved it pulled at them and it was like getting a bikini wax or something.

Cut to the next scene, and Angie and Brad are now on the bed putting ice on the gum, trying to harden it to pull it off of her and not rip her skin off! That didn't work, so they tried peanut butter, and every other remedy you've heard of to remove gum, and he's like "Just shave it off" and she said "It's skin! The gum is stuck in invisible little hairs, there is nothing to shave!!!!"

OMG, I laugh just thinking about it.

Eventually, they got it removed but could not go to sleep because they kept giggling about how this could have happened, and the looks on their faces when they both thought the other one had some God awful disease!

As she relayed this story to me, and after I picked myself up off the floor and was able to contain myself enough to ask questions, I was like "Did he get down there and realize he had gum in his mouth, and park it on your inner thigh for later, or what??"

She said what's worse is that he said as he finished up down there, and before he climbed on top of her, he noticed some unusual white stuff in the area, but didn't have his glasses on and thought he'd just done such a good job she was frothing! OMG...LOL...I just burst out laughing as I typed that!!!!! Frothing???? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

And of course, the obvious joke that she now is Dentyne fresh in that area. As I told her, Brad's new claim to fame is that he can go down on his wife and come up with the freshest breath in town.

Ah yeah, good times.

She may never top me with the dysfunctional husband stories, but I think she is now head of the hilarious sex department.

Weigh In Day....and coming Friday....

I don't know how I did it....

But after a weekend in Chicago where I didn't count WW points at any time, and I ate things like:

Bacon & Eggs
Pancakes
Hash Browns
Hamburgers
Hot Dogs
Potato Salad
Baked Beans
Brownies
Club Sandwiches
French Fries

....and those insanely ridiculous cupcakes that are at least 400 calories each....

I still managed to lose 1.8 lbs!

Yay me!

After two straight weeks of not losing, I was pretty annoyed, and used Chicago as an excuse to pig out and eat everything I haven't eaten in three months. Yes, I see the ridiculous logic in "I haven't lost weight so I'll eat like a cow"...but you people know me, and know that being rational isn't exactly my strong suit! I only ate twice a day but trust me, I ate probably triple my points allowance on Saturday and Sunday.

I think the massive amount of walking I did is what kept me from gaining. Gee, there's a concept. Exercise aiding in weight loss. Go figure.

Anway...I am thrilled with the scale doing down and am very thankful for it!




According to Weight Watchers, I'm averaging 1.5 lbs a week and should be at my goal weight the end of March. Just in time for my birthday....I can deal with that. I plan on turning 49 in Texas with Dr. Penny, so I'll gladly flaunt my hot new body there! (OK, hot old body. Whatever.)

Oh, and coming Friday....

The funniest sex story ever. Yes, it really happened and NO, it didn't happen to me, but it did happen to one of my friends. And it's hilarious....

My living will.

I, Julie R, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
Chocolate
Margarita
Sex
Chocolate
Grey Goose
Coffee with Bailey's
Sex
Mexican food
Chocolate
Sex
Ice cream
Strawberries
Chocolate
A big salad
Sex
Chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!

If this happens at the same time I have shrunk down to a size 6, even better. Please refrain from pulling the plug until I can wear couture into eternity.

*************In other news********************

My son is blogging again. Check out his upcoming new tattoo. And you've seen his Chris Daughtry look in the picture on the right, yes? I hardly recognize him anymore. Between the weight loss and the bald head, my baby is gone and my adult son has emerged. Sigh. Where does time go when you're having spawn?

And one last thing....my good buddy Deb over at Postcards from the Edge is going through a rough time with her mom being very sick. Please send some love and prayers her way, will you? She sure could use our support as things are really difficult right now.

So....Chicago

Actually had a great time. Had the trip planned for some time but at the last minute got the opportunity to go to the Nascar race on Saturday, and since I was going to be there anyway, I rearranged my schedule to accomodate it.

So here are some pics from the race. We got to tour the pits and all that fun stuff.

The flower arrangements in the hospitality tent:



In the pits:


Victory Lane (podium? whatever the hell you call it)



Our seats on the start/finish line:



Me in Tony Stewart's pit:



This is video I took of the race starting so you can see how good our seats were:



It was a lot of fun.

Saturday before the race and Sunday before we left, we did a lot of walking and just enjoyed hanging out in Chicago. I was lucky to be staying at my boss' condo on Lake Shore Drive, overlooking the lake with an amazing view. Here are some pictures from both days....the darker ones are Saturday morning right after it stormed at 5am (thus the dark clouds and raindrops on the windows) and the better pictures are from Sunday morning when it was much nicer out.

This is the view from the living room couch. It's all black (walls, ceiling, furniture) because of how it makes the wall of windows looking out over the lake pop:



This was early Saturday morning. Didn't look like the day would turn out well, but luckily the rain blew over and it was a great day:



This is the view from the bedroom on Saturday morning:



Same view on Sunday morning. What a difference a day makes!



Then I took this video around noon on Sunday as all the boats were starting to show up on the lake. Unfortunately you can't see that on the horizon are hundreds of white sail boats, they didn't show up in the video but it was amazing to see!




Here are some other random pics from my walks around town:










And the best part? More Cupcakes. Strawberry, Salted Caramel, Red Velvet, Mocha and S'mores. OMG...a party in your mouth!



This concludes our tour of Chicago. Please watch your step while exiting the blog.

Hey, does this work?

 

So, this Picasa thing will upload pictures to my blog for me? I guess I'll find out when I hit publish post!

If it does...this is a pretty glass dragonfly I saw on the way to Chicago at a truck stop. Wouldn't this be a beautiful tattoo?

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack. Did ya miss me?

Whadda ya mean, you didn't know I was gone??

Chicago was great....had a blast!

I have pictures and video to upload, so my recap isn't coming til tomorrow. I got home late, it was a long drive and an even longer weekend, so I didn't feel like doing it last night.

Meanwhile I'll go get caught up on my blog reading. What did I miss?

Until tomorrow, here's a picture for you. I stayed in my boss' condo on Lake Shore Drive, and this was my view from the bed every morning....

I could not say it better

I got some flack the other day for posting my displeasure at the hoopla surrounding Michael Jackson's death, and the what I consider unnecessary abundance of media coverage surrounding it.

Today I got an email that I feel needs posted. As always I welcome your comments, and I expect that not everyone shares my point of view.

Regardless, I hope you understand the message.

Yes, Michael Jackson did pass away a week ago,

...and so did:

Army SSG Paul G Smith, 43, of East Peoria, IL
Army SSG Joshua A Melton, 26, of Carlyle, IL
Army SPC Chancellor A Keesling, 25, of Indianapolis, IN
Navy MCPO Jeffrey J Garber, 43, of Hemingford, NE
Army 1SG John D Blair, 38, of Calhoun, GA Army
SGT Ricky D Jones, 26, of Plantersville, AK
Army SGT Rodrigo A Munguia Rivas, 27, of Germantown, MD
Army SPC Casey L Hills, 23, of Salem, IL
Army 1LT Brian N Bradshaw, 24, of Steilacoom, WA
Army SPC Joshua L Hazlewood, 22, of Manvel, TX

***********


This is written by a young soldier serving his third tour of duty in Iraq. Thought you might find his take on the Michael Jackson news interesting.


"Okay, I need to rant.

I was just watching the news, and I caught part of a report on Michael Jackson. As we all know, Jackson died the other day. He was an entertainer who performed for decades. He made millions, he spent millions, and he did a lot of things that make him a villian to many people. I understand that his death would affect a lot of people, and I respect those people who mourn his death, but that isn't the point of my rant.

Why is it that when ONE man dies, the whole of America loses their minds with grief. When a man dies whose only contribution to the country was to ENTERTAIN people, the Amercian people find the need to flock to a memorial in Hollywood, and even Congress sees the need to hold a "moment of silence" for his passing?

Am I missing something here? ONE man dies, and all of a sudden he's a freaking martyr because he entertained us for a few decades? What about all those SOLDIERS who have died to give us freedom? All those Soldiers who, knowing that they would be asked to fight in a war, still raised their hands and swore to defend the Constitution and the United States of America.

Where is their moment of silence? Where are the people flocking to their graves or memorials and mourning over them because they made the ultimate sacrifice? Why is it when a Soldier dies, there are more people saying "good riddance," and "thank God for IEDs?" When did this country become so calloused to the sacrifice of GOOD MEN and WOMEN, that they can arbitrarily blow off their deaths, and instead, throw themselves into mourning for a "Pop Icon?"

I think that if they are going to hold a moment of silence IN CONGRESS for Michael Jackson, they need to hold a moment of silence for every service member killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. They need to PUBLICLY recognize every life that has been lost so that the American people can live their callous little lives in the luxury and freedom that WE, those that are living and those that have gone on, have provided for them. But, wait, that would take too much time, because there have been so many willing to make that sacrifice. After all, we will never make millions of dollars. We will never star in movies, or write hit songs that the world will listen too. We only shed our blood, sweat and tears so that people can enjoy what they have.

Sorry if I have offended, but I needed to say it. Remember these five words the next time you think of someone who is serving in the military;

"So that others may live..."


-Isaac
A US Soldier

God bless you, Isaac, and all of our service men and women.

In other news...I won't be posting this weekend as I'm headed to Chicago for the Nascar race! I'll be back Monday with pictures and details!

One last thing....please keep my friend "E" in your prayers. He lost his mother this week, and lost his father just a couple of months ago. Please send him strength to get through the rough days ahead.

Have a great weekend!

Ready, Aim, Fire.

I am no longer having a love affair with my scale. The lazy ass thing won't hold up it's end of the bargain. Our deal is...I eat right, and it's supposed to move in a downward motion.

I've done my part.

Mr. Scale, on the other hand, is quite uncooperative.

I'm gonna shoot the fucker worthless piece of crap.

That's right. Two straights weeks of ZERO weight loss.

Let me repeat that. Zero. Nada. Zilch.

We are not amused.

Granted, it's better than a weight gain. I am thankful for that.

But when you stick to plan, work so hard at losing the weight, and the fat refuses to break up with you...it's time to take drastic measures.



Dana, I need to borrow your gun.

Wordless Wednesday

Happy Hump Day!

I'm so over the hoopla

Please tell me that after the freak show hoopla funeral of Michael Jackson today, the media will move on to far more important things??

Listen, I'm sorry the man died. I hate to see anyone's life end. But for the love of God, he was a singer, not a saint!

I heard Al Sharpton talking about how MJ should at the very least be immortalized on a postage stamp (huh?) and that we as a nation should take a moment of silence to honor him...oh and maybe a national holiday as well.

Are you kidding me?

Hello! Does anybody but me remember that while the man might have had hit records and a lucrative entertainment career...

...he was a walking freak show, oh and...a pedophile??

Come on!

We have servicemen and women sacrificing their lives every single day, and there are people who actually think anything Michael Jackson did is more important than that?

Reverand Al, get your priorities straight.

Michael Jackson may have "changed" the face of pop music, but you know what? So did Madonna. And while most of my gay friends will call in sick when she dies, I don't expect a national holiday to be declared then either.

Let's save those days for people who really deserve the honor, shall we?

Where's my winning lottery ticket?

I'd like to retire early. Say...tomorrow.

I love having a long weekend, but I sure hate going back to work.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I have a great boss who makes going to work every day enjoyable, for the most part. I can dress casually, nobody cares if I'm on time or not, and I don't have anybody breathing over my shoulder.

But I'm tired of not being well off!

You know what I mean? I don't need millions...I really don't. I'm not that greedy. I'd just like to have enough money to pay off my bills and live comfortably.

And only work if I felt like it.

I suppose it would help my odds in the lottery if I actually bought a ticket. Let's face it, that purchase would increase my odds of winning 100%! I just never think about doing it.

Of course I could also make it my mission in life to make sure my next husband is financially hung. That would be nice.

Truth is, in this economy I really am grateful to have a job. I work for a very high end interior design firm, and we are a luxury item. Fortunately, our clients like luxury and our business has done surprisingly well this year. So don't get me wrong, I am very lucky to have an income, and I do not take it for granted.

What would I do with millions in lottery winnings, anyway?

(I have a list, just in case it ever happens!)

It's kind of nice to fantasize about it though, isn't it? I would, of course, share it with my family and friends. I doubt that I'd buy a huge house or anything like that. Although I imagine something on the beach would get purchased quickly! I'd do a lot of traveling, for sure. (Dar, when it happens, I'm taking us around the world!) I wouldn't be one of those winners who blow through all of their money and then is bankrupt 2 years later. I'd definitely make sure it lasted for the rest of my life, and hopefully Jordan's too.

So tell me, what would you do with your winning lottery ticket?

Fireworks!!!!

Happy July 4th!!!

So the date last night....

It was okay. He's a very nice guy, charming and entertaining. Not sure if we'll go out again or not though. Might just be more of a friend situation than a dating one. But we'll see...

Hey....it's a start right? Getting my feet wet in the dating pool again.

Spilling the beans

I have a date tonight.

Just thought I'd let you know.

"Met" him 6 months ago, wasn't in the right frame of mind and backed away from him. Finally this week I put it out there (via my blog etc.) that I'm ready to move on...and feel free to send me a guy!

Next morning, I had an email from him. "Hey, I'm back...are you ready to go out with me yet?"

I figure he's been put directly in front of me twice now, and maybe Somebody knows something about him that I don't and that's why He keeps trying to hook us up.

So I said okay.

Meeting at Martini Park for drinks. I'll let you know how it goes.

In other news...

Had dinner with my two besties last night, Elizabeth and Dr. Penny. It was the first time Penny got to see her artwork on my back, and she loved it. After dinner, she came back to my house and spent the night, and we stayed up til 2am laughing til our faces hurt.

No big plans for the 4th. How about you?

More Texts From Last Night. I can't help myself.

Don't worry, I won't post the really disgustingly hilarious nasty ones, even though they bring tears to my eyes. I won't let my blog get that down and dirty!

Here you go, some of my recent favorites. Enjoy!


(406): we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

(870): I look better un-naked...

(313): sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
(1-313): but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.

(585): She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
(585): Aren't divorce parties fun?
(1-585): You and I have very different definitions of fun.

(281): I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy

(215): Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
(610): Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.

(407): Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot

(520): But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

(850): JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

(860): And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds

(704): I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
(803): Genius.

(253): I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
(281): No. Just liquor. Time's no good.

(812): If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

(770): If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day. (Julie's Note....Deb? Does this work?)

(405): I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...

(317): when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single

(913): Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

(813): I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?

(662): Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
(780): I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

(908): Are you okay?
(508): Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.

(972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

(570): I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better

(347): Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service. (OMG, I can't believe I just posted that. But it made me laugh out loud.)

(404): Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again. (OMG! I can't believe I posted that either!)

(416): Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.

(360): is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
(503): Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?

(281): i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy

(618): for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.

Wordless Wednesday

Writer's Block and other mental issues

I have writer's block today.

It's not often that I'm speechless, or have nothing to voice my opinion on, so this might be a banner day for me!

But I've got nothing to say.

I started writing this blog as therapy after my divorce, and used it as an outlet to vent my frustrations and channel some energy in a more productive way than sitting around smoking and drinking and whining.

Now, 14 months later, life has improved dramatically. I don't spend time with my ex like I used to, therefore the roller coaster has become a merry go round...everything just goes along calmly, steadily. I expended so much energy on him all the time that now I am trying to figure out what excites ME. What I feel passionate about. What are the things I want to do with my life now?

Frankly, I'm a little bored!

I've got my eating under control and am no longer using food for comfort. I'm losing weight and feeling good, so I can't complain.

I still haven't learned to like exercise, let alone LOVE it. It's a struggle all the time for me to go to the gym. It's definitely not something I am passionate about doing.

I've pierced my nose, gotten a new tattoo, and grown some fierce tomato plants. I've been to Vegas, I've thrown a graduation party, I've planted a lot of flowers and I've maintained my clean house.

And yet...still bored.

However, I think I tend to relate that to being lonely.

I don't mind being alone. My son rarely spends a night at home anymore and I've learned to sleep ok at night with him gone. I feel like I live alone and he just drops by on occasion when he's not at work. I'm okay with being on my own, and having the freedom to watch what I want to on TV, to eat cereal for dinner, and come and go as I please without having to be a full time parent.

But I am so lonely it's palpable.

I miss dating. I miss intimacy. I miss flirting. I miss hand holding, and making out like teenagers. I miss sweet text messages and phone calls and surprise flowers. I miss...well, you know what I miss the most. *That* goes without saying!

The bottom line is, I miss being in love.

And unfortunately, that's what I am passionate about.

As we all know, I haven't had very good luck meeting guys on the Internet. (However I am great at meetng women on here!!!) My friends are all married, their friends are all married, and I don't do the bar scene.

(You know, for someone with writer's block, this is turning into an awfully long post!)

For the record, I really am happier than I've been in a long time. I finally feel good about myself again, and am happy with where I am in life.

I just want to share that with someone.

I'm ready. I really, really am.

So collectively I want you all to send a few prayers out in to the Universe for me, that I find Mr. Right. I know he's out there and he's making his way to me.

Could you just pray that he drives a fast car so he gets here soon?